Chapter 4

‘You coming Toby’, Graham called racing past Toby’s work station on his way out the door.
Friday. The end of another week. Toby had mainly accepted Graham’s invitation out of a strong desire to avoid going straight home after work. That would be more depressing than work itself. Every bar on route to the tube was filled to the teeth with groups of friends enjoying themselves, oblivious to the problems of a passing paralegal. He hated being reminded of the fact that he had nothing planned for the weekend ahead. There were just so few options that he could afford. Eighteen grand had sounded ok when he had been earning nothing. It was eighteen more than a man living behind a sofa could afford to turn down. But by the time he had paid his rent, the council tax, phone, travel, and shopping, he had almost nothing left to survive on. He always had to think carefully about what he spent. Whether it was drinking, eating, going out on the weekend, there was always a calculated deliberation as to whether he could really afford to do one thing or another. Sometimes when he arranged to meet friends at a bar he would have to sneak in without being seen, buy himself a drink and then pretend that he hadn’t noticed they were already there so as not to get caught up in some five person round which would wipe out is budget for the whole weekend.

Graham, a fellow paralegal, was one of the few people Toby got on well with at work. He wasn’t the kind of guy he would call on the weekend but he was amiable enough for a post work beer or two. Toby pressed shut down on his computer, tore his coat from the standing cupboard behind his desk and followed Graham towards the Lighthouse, a bar on the city side of old street which had one been an industrial power generator and was now one of a growing breed of trendy bars bridging the gap between the city and Hoxton.

The crowd was always a real mixture, particularly on Fridays when equal numbers of suits and miscellaneous trendies descended on the place in equal numbers. By Saturday had it returned to its regular demographic as the city exhaled the last of its workers. On dress down Fridays Toby felt a little more at ease in places like this. He hated being lumped in with the city crowd and although he couldn’t wear exactly what he wanted, he could blend in a little more with the crowd to which he secretly wished he belonged.

Graham and Toby sat on one of the bars exterior benches which ran along the side of its eastern wall, facing directly into the setting sun which was providing little or no relief from the cold. For a while they sat in comfortable silence sat taking the occasional sip, saying very little. Toby often found it difficult to talk to people from work outside of work. The conversation inevitably drifted back to work or colleagues. Graham was good in this respect. He didn’t talk much but neither did he seem to hold any strong desire to talk. Rather he seemed content enough having someone to sit next to with his beer and to not be that guy sitting alone in the bar, drinking alone, pretending to be waiting for someone to arrive. Toby’s motivation was similar.

‘Fancy another?’ Toby said raising himself wearily to his feet. ‘Actually it might be time to move inside. What do you think? I think my face is going numb.’
‘Go on then, you grab us another and I’ll find us a spare seat.’ Graham knocked back the dregs from his glass and followed Toby past the mountainous bouncer and into the bar.

Toby stood appraising the best way to the front of the bar. In the half hour or so that they had been sitting outside the place had almost completely filled out with dozens of groups shouting in competition to be heard. Deciding upon a route of entry, Toby pushed forward only to be stopped short by a shove in his side followed by the sound of glass shattering on the floor beside him.


Toby swung around and noticed a girl looking at him disapprovingly. ‘Shit was that me?’ ‘You’re bloody right it was you. Jesus!’
Toby started leaning down to pick up the pieces, but given the size of the crowd he soon gave up on this idea and decided that reconciliation was the way forward.

‘I could say it was an accident but you probably know that already. Sorry about that. What are you having, I was just on my way up to the bar. Let me get you another ok. It won’t take long.’

‘I’ll have a vodka lime and lemonade thank you sir.’ The look of anger had left his victims face and she was now almost smiling.’

Toby turned back towards the bar. He hated these situations. Conversations in close proximity to work invariably led to conversations about work which invariably led to conversations about paralegals. Conversations about paralegals were never a good idea.

After being ignored while the barman served his friends and anyone who looked familiar to him or remotely attractive, Toby finally made his way back with the round of drinks. ‘One vodka lime and lemonade as promised. Once again I’m really sorry about that.’

‘Don’t worry about it. All will be forgiven if you stay and keep me company until my friends arrive.’ Toby gazed over in the direction of Graham and. ‘That seems reasonable’ he said discarded all his loyalty to graham in a second. Give me a second to drop this one off and I’ll be right back.’

‘Don’t be too long, you never know who might knock this drink over while you’re away.’ Toby paused for a second and then digesting the flirtation, walked away with a smile on his face.

‘Graham you’re not going to believe this’, Toby said hurriedly handing Graham his pint and taking a confidence sip from his own. ‘I just knocked this girl’s drink over on the way to the bar.’
‘I’ve always told people what a gentleman you are’ Graham said, please to finally be able to clench his thirst.
‘Yeah, well I went to buy her another one and anyway she just asked me to keep her company while she waits for her friends to arrive. You don’t mind do you mate, it shouldn’t be too long. She’s pretty cute.’
‘Go for it Romeo. I’ve seen a couple of people from work so I’ll head over and have a chat to them. I might try knocking a couple of drinks over myself.’

Toby made his way back to the scene of his earlier crime deciding to lead in with a ‘Ta dah!’ being not quite sure where else to begin. The response came in the form of an extended hand. ‘I’m Saffron.’
‘Saffron?’ Toby answered feeling immediately stupid for repeating her name in the tone of ‘are you serious?’
‘My parents were in Greece when I was conceived and must have had a great meal or something. I suppose that’s why I became an ar -teeest.
‘You’re an art-eesst?’ Toby said, gulping struggling to conceive of where any such a profession and his own could possibly lie.
‘Yeah, I’m a print designer.’
‘A print designer?’
‘Yes a print designer. Are you planning to repeat everything I say all night?’ Saffron said, this time smiling warmly.
‘Sorry, it’s a mild affliction. Another couple of these and I should be fine.’ Toby took a swift gulp from his pint and declared himself cured.
‘So what exactly does a print designer do’, Toby asked, already knowing roughly what this meant but keen to deflect the conversation as far from his self for the time being.
‘I work for a clothing company and develop new labels and brands for them.’
‘God that sounds great.’ At this point Toby felt a little marooned. He knew he had absolutely no industry knowledge to impress her with.
‘What about you? Saffron said, taking a sip from her straw, all the while her eyes focused on Toby.
‘You really want to know?’
‘Sure.’
‘It will spell the end to a beautiful relationship.’
‘Come on, I’ve shown you mine’ Saffron said, again bursting into a beautiful smile. Toby had been so caught up in the ‘smashing her glass and making up for it’ part of the evening that until now he hadn’t really noticed how beautiful she was. All the more reason to get straight to the point he thought. Quick kill.
‘I’m a Paralegal.’
‘A Paralegal?’ Saffron said sounding as confused as she looked.
‘A Paralegal.’
‘What the bloody hell is that? Saffron laughed but not in a mocking way. And there was no sign of retreat to speak of.
‘It’s a lot like a Paratrooper, but slightly less dangerous?
Saffron burst out laughing and Toby found himself entering unchartered waters. He had presumed that she would make a swift exit after discovering what he did but the opposite was true.
‘Of course last week I did receive a very nasty paper cut as I was putting files into chronological order’, Toby said deciding to keep the momentum going.
Again laughter. Gold, he thought. What a crowd. He felt like saying thank you, giving a small bow, and leaving there and then on a high note. But alas he had become an addict to the crowd’s applause. He held his ground.
‘So seriously now, what the hell is a paralegal? I’ve never met a paralegal before. It’s kind of exciting.’
‘Yes I’m sure it does. But alas the truth is I can’t stand what I’m doing.. I feel like a bit of a phoney being there.’
‘How so?’ Saffron said moving a little closer to Toby against the weight of the ever increasing crowd inching towards the bar.

‘I’ve got this job in a firm which is part of a world where the ideas is to get ahead and move on up but I’m really not sure that’s the world I want to move on up in. Sorry you don’t want to here all this do you?’
‘I asked you didn’t I and anyway I think I understand what you mean.’

‘The problem is that the people I work with seem to think that an eighty hour week is reasonable. There is no concept of an evening at home cooking dinner, watching a DVD, you know it’s all about billing people you never meet and hoping one day you’ll make it. I just find myself looking around at the people I’m supposed to want to be, in the jobs I’m supposed to want, and the truth is, I don’t think I really want it. Half of the people I talk to at work seem to be on the verge of a nervous collapse and most of the others talk about nothing but how much they want to leave. But the saddest part is you know they never will. They can’t. They’re caught in the cycle. They have great jobs and are earning great money. There’s no way they can walk away from that, and they think if they do they’ll never get another job and their life is over. God sorry about that, that was a bit of a rant wasn’t it!’

‘Not at all.’ Saffron said ‘I think I know exactly how you feel.’

‘Are you serious?’ Toby asked intrigued. He couldn’t believe that someone who worked in print design, presumably in the heart of trendy Hoxton, know how he felt. Every lunch time he stared at people like her; he envied them for their cool jobs, their trendy offices, and the fact that they didn’t have to wear a suit every day and feel like a fraud.

Absolutely. God, most of the people I work with are so far up their own arses it’s not funny. They think that because they work in fashion in a trendy part of town, that they are somehow superior to everyone else. Most of them think they are trendy but they may as well be wearing suits for all the individuality they show. They follow the same trends, get the same haircuts. And a lot of them are doing crap jobs dressed up in trendy offices, and paid almost nothing because they should feel privileged to have a job in such a cool industry. I can’t stand the industry. If it wasn’t for the fact that I love the work I’m doing I’d leave in a second.’

‘Shit’ Toby said genuinely surprised. I suppose I never looked at it that way.’

‘Yeah, most of the world is miserable Toby don´t feel you’re anything special. ‘I’ll get us another drink shall I?’ Saffron slurping the ice at the bottom of her glass and looked at her watch.
‘Sorry about this. My bloody friends are useless. You´ll just have to put up with me for a little bit longer. I hope you’ll cope.’
Before Toby could come up with a witty retort Saffron walking away.

This was a revelation to Toby. It had never occurred to him that the people he envied were as miserable as he was. Just better at putting on a brave face. She was so easy to talk to, he felt like he could tell her everything. The fact that she hadn’t dismissed him outright as just another suit was amazing enough. But unlike him she seemed to have a real confidence. She had summed up her industry, knew its pitfalls, problems, and was working away happy in the knowledge that she was doing what she wanted to be doing, for herself.

In far less time than it had taken Toby to complete the same task, Saffron emerged again, drinks in had.
‘Here you are’ she said, passing a very full pint to Toby. ‘Hey listen my friends called while I was waiting at the bar. This place was too full when they turned up so they’ve gone somewhere else. I’d invite you along but it’s a bit of a girlie thing. I can’t really be bothered going tonight but I haven’t been out with them for ages so I’d better go.

Here we go Toby thought, consoling himself that it had been nice while it had lasted. ‘Anyway’ Saffron started before Toby had a chance to say anything. ‘It’s been really nice meeting you, even if you did smash my glass you clumsy bastard! Here’s my number. Why don’t you give me a call during the week? You can tell me more about the exciting world of paralegals.’

‘That would be great’ Toby said shell-shocked.

Saffron leaned forward and gave Toby a kiss on the cheek and then walked out of the bar leaving him standing there, clutching his mobile phone, trying to force the grin from his face.