Chapter 27

Saffron put the phone down.
‘What was all that about’, Toby asked, aware from the expression on Saffron’s face that something wasn’t quite right.
‘I don't know entirely. It was Selia. She was really upset she said she really needs to talk to me. ‘What was she doing calling you?’
‘Thanks a lot smart arse’
‘No, you know what I mean. You haven't seen her since school and then all of a sudden she sees you once and you’re her one point of call in a moment of crisis.’

Saffron thought for a moment but she knew Toby was right. It didn’t really make much sense. ‘Maybe she doesn't have anyone else. I remember when we were at school I was literally her only friend.’
‘But surely she can't have got to this stage all alone, surely she must have someone else’, Toby continued before realising his tone sounded more heartless than he had intended. ‘Anyway it doesn't matter, what did she say?’
‘Not too much really, she didn’t want to go into it on the phone but she’s going to come over now so it’s probably best if you make yourself scarce, if that’s all right. It shouldn’t be for too long.’

Toby had been practically living at Saffron’s the past couple of months. Not that there had been anything formal about it. He had started off telling himself that he would only spend a few nights a week with her but that hadn’t eventuated. His usual urge to get away and be on his own just wasn’t there the way it had been with his other girlfriend. It was easy being with Saffron.

‘Why don't you head out for a beer or something, grab a paper’, Saffron continued. ‘She's going to come around in about half an hour so if you can give us a couple of hours that would be great.’

Saffron could tell that Selia had been crying the moment she opened the door. The look of confusion that she might have pressed the wrong buzzer on Selia’s face turned to sudden relief. ‘Hi Saff, I’m so sorry for all this.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, what else are friends for’, Saffron said as sincerely as possible as she led Saffron down the hall and into the living room. She still had no idea what all this was about.
‘Sorry about the mess. I’d like to blame Toby but I’m partly to blame too I’m afraid.’

Saffron sat down opposite Selia. Her face looked softer than it had when they had met in the bar. .Free of makeup and in a pair of jeans she looked more like the girl Saffron had shared five years at school with then the uptight city girl. She looked tired and her eyes were swollen from the tears which had presumably been flowing intermittently all morning.
‘Thanks for letting me come round Saff’ Selia started after a few moments silence. Saffron sighed to herself in relief. She hadn’t known where to begin.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, you’re welcome any time.’
‘No really. God I know it must have been a surprise having me suddenly call you up out of the blue like this.’
‘Don’t worry about all that. But it was a real surprise seeing you again at that wine bar the other night. God it just makes you think how quickly time passes doesn’t it?’ Saffron decided that it was best to keep things as light as possible at this stage.
‘We didn't really get a chance to talk properly did we? I’d love to hear all about what you’ve been up to over the last few years. Big city Lawyer eh. I knew you’d be a success Seals.’

Saffron didn’t say anything. She appeared to be focused on restraining the emotions which were threatening to overflow at any moment.. Saffron’s confusion as to why Selia was sitting in front turned to genuine.

‘Hey ignore all that Seals. Saffron said moving from the armchair she had settled in and sat next to Selia on the sofa. ‘What’s happened? You seem so upset.’
‘I’m sorry about the other night Saff’, she started with a wobble. ‘I shouldn’t have just left without saying goodbye. I was having a really terrible night and I saw you and Toby and it was all too much for me. I mean don’t get me wrong. I was so pleased to see you again after all these years. But it was also a real shock. I just felt like. No it’s stupid.

‘Don’t be silly Seal, it’s not stupid.’

‘Well it’s just that you’re from my past Saffron. Apart from you and you’re friendship is, I’ve spent such a long time trying to forget about my past. I suppose seeing you again stirred up a lot of old memories and emotions.’

Saffron now knew exactly what Selia was talking about. In all the time she had known her, Selia had never specifically talked to Saffron like this but she had been able to piece enough from the little bits Selia had told her to know that her childhood had been scarred by the overbearing and social climbing aspirations of her father who was determined to make Selia everything he wasn’t. And from Saffron’s experience, Selia’s father Fred Sinclair-Brown wasn’t much. She had despised Selia’s father from the day she had met him. He used to stare at her in a way that a fourteen year old friends father shouldn’t. And he had ruined Selia’s childhood. All the way through St Hilda’s and presumably from the moment she had left the womb he had battered Selia with constant pressure and reminders that her type was not good enough and that she had to change and get ahead. The past for Selia had been an endless road of praiseless and forced achievement. No wonder she had wanted to leave the past behind.

‘And then seeing you and Toby the other night made me look at my situation with Steven, whatever the hell that is, and I don't know.’ Selia had managed to keep her emotions under control up until now but the mention of Steven was too much for her. Saffron put and arm around her shoulders which made things better and worse and she began to weep freely.’ Poor thing Saffron thought realising that despite having not seen her in nearly ten years she was still Selia’s only friend.

‘I’m sorry.’ Selia said sitting up and taking a tissue from the box Saffron offered her. ‘God this is embarrassing.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous Selia’, Saffron said, this time far more sincerely. ‘You have nothing to apologise for ok. Just go on if you want to go on. There’s no pressure ok?’
‘Thanks.’ Selia smiled for the first time since arriving. ‘It's pathetic really Saff. I really don't know what I'm doing with him. Seeing you and Toby really bought that to the surface the other night and I'm sorry I rushed off but it was either that or start blubbering in the middle of the bar.’
‘We're a pretty normal couple really Selia’ Saffron said attempting to downplay things as best as she could.
‘God I’d do anything for normal. I've been fooling myself that I'm in a relationship with Steven but it's clear that I’m not. He's still got his wife and I’m just his young play thing. At least at the beginning he was affectionate, but now all he wants to do is drink a couple of bottles of wine quickly and then go back to his apartment and have sex.’
‘I suppose you've tried talking to him?’ Saffron said knowing that Selia was completely right about the hopelessness of her situation. Saffron had been worried about her the moment she had been left briefly alone with Steven in the bar. There had been something aggressive, almost predatory about the way he had spoken to her and looked at her and from what he had insinuated it was clear that he held no loyalties towards Selia.
‘Every time I do he gets irritated and aggressive and it ends up ruining what little time we have together. People actually warned me against him you know. Apparently I'm just one on a list of girls from work he's gone out with. It's such a bloody cliché with the wife and the young lover. At the beginning he told me he was planning to leave her and like some pathetic idiot I believed it.’
‘Look Selia, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, I really don't. It's a cliché because it can happen so easily. He's the one in the wrong here, not you. He’s the one in the position of power and you can't necessarily choose who you fall for.’
‘Yeah I know’ Selia said staring down at her wine, ‘I just feel like such an idiot for deceiving myself all this time. I'm sure half the firm has been laughing behind my back.’
‘Listen, ignore all that, the key is what are you going to do from here. You’re a great girl Seals, your gorgeous, intelligent and that there will be dozens of guys queuing up to go out with you. I think you should tell him where to go.’

‘That's just the problem, I don't think it’s' that simple’ Selia said looking up from her wine, tears forming in her eyes again and trickling down her cheek.
‘What is it Selia. You must have had you’re suspicions this might not work out?’ Saffron knew it was difficult but she also couldn’t quite understand how this had managed to throw Selia so powerfully. She was normally fairly hard to break. Or at least she had been when Saffron had known her ten years ago.

‘Saff I’m so sorry for this. And I know you probably think this is all a little bit dramatic over a stupid relationship which isn’t even a real relationship but there's more to it than that. I’m pregnant.

For a moment Saffron sat silently beside Selia, rubbing her hand and not saying anything as she wept. It was probably best to get it out Saffron thought. It also gave her a chance to think of what to say.

‘This shouldn’t have happened. I’m on the pill Saff. I’m on the bloody pill and at first I thought I was just late and then it was a week late and I’m usually like clockwork so last night I bought a test and that confirmed it. I didn’t get any sleep last night. I just don’t know what to do Saff. That’s why I called you. I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know who else I could call. I just feel so alone.’

Saffron held Selia’s hand as she sat beside her, eyes down cast, no longer crying, but emotionally drained. Saffron had lived with Selia for five years but had never seen her look like this or breaks down like this. It was probably the first time she had let herself fully unload her emotions in all that time. And knowing what she did about Selia’s parents she knew they would be of no use. They were as conservative as they were determined. The shame would be too much for them and Selia didn’t need to feel any more shame. Saffron looked at he trembling beside her and felt deep sympathy. She thought how unfair it was that someone like Selia, so beautiful, intelligent who had managed to get scholarships though school and graduate from one of the best universities in the would could be brutalised by her parents into feeling she was so worthless.

‘Listen Selia, we may not have seen each other for ages but that is irrelevant. You may feel alone and scared but you’re not ok. You have me ok. I’m going to help you with this and Toby will feel the same ok. Whatever you decide to do.

‘I don’t know why you’re being so kind to me Saff. This isn’t you’re problem. And Toby. God I feel so bad about the way I behaved when we were working together.
‘Yeah I know all that, but listen that’s not important now.’
‘No it really is important Saff. I hate myself for acting that way. I know it's no excuse but I get so caught up and worried about what everyone will think about me and my background.’

Saffron new exactly what Selia was saying but she thought it would be good for her to get it all out. Saffron had never seen Selia being so honest. When they had been living together at school she had always been so guarded about admitting how she felt.

‘I just feel so different from the people around me. And it’s so unfair. They all have it so easy. They all know exactly how to behave, not because they have forced it upon themselves like me but because that’s just the way they are. I always feel like I’m trying to keep up. It was the same at St Hilda’s, and Cambridge and now it's the same again. I thought working would be different but its not. It’s all a great big club.’

‘Look Selia, I know this is how you feel, and I suppose my reminding you of how much you've achieved is probably fairly pointless, but it really is true. It's far more admirable getting to where you are through hard work than falling into it because of money and the right school and popping out at the end on the great public school conveyer belt. I also think that you'll find that you're not completely right about everyone you're working with. There are probably lots of people from very normal backgrounds working with you. Sure everyone has an educated voice, and probably says the right things but this is just part of playing the game. It's the same in my profession. People are very rarely completely honest.’

‘Maybe you're right. But I feel really terrible about treating Toby the way I have. I don’t know why I act the way I do. I just thought that people would think badly of me for doing it. I know it's wrong but sometimes when I’m in that situation I just cant think properly. I get so insecure about what I should do, who I should talk to, what I should wear. And then all this time I've been shagging my boss and people have probably been laughing behind my back.’ Selia stopped and tried her hardest to stop herself from breaking down without success. Saffron put her arm around her and said nothing just letting Selia cry for a while. This was probably the first time she had actually admitted out loud to how she felt, Saffron thought.

‘Look don't worry about that’ Saffron said cutting her off. And don't worry about Toby. He's a very relaxed, guy, I’m sure he'll understand if I explain things to him. If you don't mind me talking to him that is.’

‘No of course not.’

‘Now Seals’, saffron said handing her the box of tissues with a kind smile. What are we going to do with you?