Chapter 23

Hello Mate, Spencer said walking through to the back of The Cloud bar, Toby's hoxton local, a simple bar with floor to ceiling windows, a bar, a few comfortable sofas and very little else. Toby stood up and, placing his pint on the table in front of him, hugged Spencer, who he hadn't seen for at least four months. Four months, Toby thought. At Uni they had seen each other every single day, both nights of the weekend. But now it had all changed and probably because of Toby's own insecurity they had lost contact for at least four months, maybe more. When he saw Spencer?s name come up on his mobile he had been shocked. He had hesitated for a minute, not quite sure what he was going to say, which was incredible seeing this was one of his best mates.
‘Shit it's great to see you again mate, you look fantastic. Look at your hair; you've almost lost all trace of the city boy eh.’
‘Yeah’ Toby said laughing, still unsure of what to say. He felt incredibly guilty that he had let things slip away so far with these guys.
‘Look Spence’, Toby said settling back into his chair opposite Spencer who was struggling with his jacket to free his left arm. ‘I can't believe it's been so long you know, I really wanted to come on Guy's stag weekend but I'm not working in the city any more and I know I said I had to work but the truth is that I just didn't have the cash. I should have just said that at the time but you know.’
‘I thought that was the case anyway Tobe, don't worry about it at all, we all missed you though. But everyone understood; there will be plenty of stag doos so missing one doesn't matter at all. You're coming to the wedding though right? We all want to meet this new bird of yours.’
‘Yeah mate we'll be there.’
‘So how's all that going, shit I don't even know what her name is. I know you told me but sorry Tobe, it's slipped my mind.’
‘Saffron, yeah things are going really well. We're living together just round the corner actually.’
‘Traded up from the sofa in Shepherds Bush eh?’ Spencer said laughing, taking a sip from his pint. Toby looked across at him, sitting beside him on the sofa. There’s something about having a drink with someone you know completely. Someone with whom you don’t have to think about making conversation, or worry if there is a silence or you have nothing to say for the time being. It?s the kind of knowing someone which only comes from years of wandering around together, going out together, agonising about life together. Toby realised he had nearly let things slip away completely, not that you can ever really let a friendship like that go completely. But he had certainly lost some time because of a job which was ridiculous. What was even more ridiculous is his not seeing Spencer and the rest of his mates had almost been self imposed sanctioning. He had got sick and tired of not being able to afford things so instead of telling them, look guys I can afford this stuff you know, I’ve got a shit job and I get paid appallingly, which is what he should have been able to do with mates, instead he had let himself get caught up in the city bullshit of putting on a brave front and pretending that everything is fantastic all the time until they probably just presumed that he was making as much money as them and so didn’t think twice about asking him to go to places he couldn’t afford.’

‘Yeah, it’s been a pretty interesting change. When I first made the decision to leave it was pretty hard. Even a shitty job in the city pays a hell of a lot more than part time in a cafe, part time as a struggling writer but Saff is fantastic you know, she's so relaxed about things, doesn't really care about money, doesn't really care about where we go, so long as we're enjoying ourselves. It's quite a good situation to be in because it's thrown a lot of things into perspective.’

?Yeah? Like what, Spencer said as pleased to be back in the old routine with Toby as much as Toby was.

‘I guess it’s that I’ve always, or at least since I went on my gap year, wanted to write. I had an amazing time out in New Zealand in that hostel, I really got used to a sort of simple life or working a few hours a day, doing some writing, walking out in the nature.’

‘I always knew you were a secret tree hugger!’ Spencer said with a grin.

‘I must confess to having hugged the odd Punga.’
‘what the hell is a Punga?’
‘It’s a native New Zealand tree. You wouldn’t have heard of it as you are far too illiterate. But by the time I left New Zealand I was pretty resolved to not get caught up in the city like everyone else, not because it’s a problem but more because I tasted a bit of life in New Zealand that I thought I’d like to continue when I got back. But when I got back to the UK things didn’t really work out like that and you know, you need money so I took that bloody paralegal job and before I knew it I was jealous of people I didn’t even want to be and not only low on money but depressed by the fact that I wasn’t even doing what I wanted to be doing.

‘Yeah I think I know exactly what you mean.’

‘Really, I always get the impression everything’s going brilliantly for you. You always seem to be travelling and your involved in the deals, you know.’
‘I guess career wise it is mate, and I’m being paid heaps of money which is good but I don’t know, I think in the end, no matter how much you get and how impressive your company is at the end of the day it’s just a job. Obviously some jobs are better than others but when I first took over the sales for Europe I thought I’d won the bloody jackpot. I was twenty five; flying all over Europe business class, staying in nice hotels and people seemed to think I was influential in terms of their business so they treated me really well. But I’m travelling so bloody much I hardly see my mates, I feel like I’m living out of a suitcase half the time and I’m sick of meals out you know, I’d just like to have a normal routine where I could go grocery shopping at the beginning of the week, watch a bit of TV, catch up for a beer with a few mates, that kind of thing. The other thing is that I know if I want to get further ahead this is only going to increase.

‘It’s strange isn’t it?’ Toby said, not having thought properly up to know that perhaps these super mates of his weren’t all completely and utterly happy. When you’re down yourself, it’s easy to think that everyone is happy except for you but it was refreshing to actually hear that one of his so called successful mates actually had the same feelings of doubt and stress that he did.

‘This is just the point with quitting my job and giving this writing thing a bit of a go. It’s just stripped everything back to the basics. Living with Saffron also helps that as she’s very simple in terms of what she expects or wants, like I said, she’s more interested in being happy, having a nice dinner at home or a quiet drink somewhere local so there?s no pressure in terms of where I am right now.?

?Yeah that?s really lucky mate, I?d love to meet her, that?s the other thing with this job. I work all the time, even when I?m in town I rarely leave the office before half nine and by that time I’m so buggered I just go straight home. It’s actually really hard to meet a woman who isn’t from work and there aren’t any at work that I fancy. Being over seas half the time doesn?t help matters either.?

?I think the problem is that you have to decide far too early what you want to be when you grow up and then, living in a place like London, once you’ve started something and are used to having a little money it’s almost impossible to walk away from that for something less financially attractive. I guess that’s the one positive thing to have come out of being a poorly paid paralegal. It’s only hard to say goodbye to good money if you’re making good money. I got used to living on not much when I was in the city so now it just doesn’t seem quite so hard. That said, I’m not paying any rent at the moment which helps.’

Toby gazed across the bar and for a minute or so said nothing. It was such a relief to be honest with one of his mates about what was going on in his life. To confess that he wasn’t paying the bills, that his girlfriend was so that he could have a go at his passion. To finally admit that the last two years, though not completely wasted, had been far from the high-flying successful years they had enjoyed.

‘Tobe, you probably have no idea, but I really admire what you’re doing. We were talking a bit about you when we were at Guy’s stag do. I mean we weren’t talking behind your back or anything like that but naturally you came into the conversation and I think everyone felt the same as I do in terms of how impressive it is that you’re actually taking a risk and giving things a bit of a go. It takes a bit of balls and there are so many people I know, people at work in particular, who endlessly bang on about how they are unhappy and how they are going to leave and do this and that and in the end that’s all they end up doing. Pissing and moaning until you really want to say to them, Look, do something about it or shut up. I can’t listen to you wining on like some injured toad any longer.’

‘It’s nice to hear that Spence, I just feel a little bad that I haven’t been in touch much lately. Sometimes it takes getting away from things to work these things out clearly in your head.

‘Don’t worry about it. These things happen. The good thing is that you’ve found something you’re enjoying which is great. So how’s the writing coming along?’

‘Slowly but surely. I’ve had my first few pieces published in a local magazine and I’m talking to the editor about a regular column at the moment so that’s a good start I guess. The scariest thing about doing something like writing is that you can sit around and think to yourself I want to be a writer all you like, and you can even try writing a bit but in the end you always secretly worry that you are in fact completely terrible which is why it was a hell of a relief when my first piece was accepted.?

‘That’s great. I’d love to read it. So what are the next steps, if there are?’

‘I’m planning to keep writing and trying to get printed over the course of this year and build up a bit of a portfolio in different genres. I’m also considering applying for a Screen Play Writers course which is part of the BBC’s postgraduate programme but I imagine it’s highly competitive so we’ll see how that goes. Anyway part of the application process is putting together a small screen play so I’m also working on that at the moment.’

‘That’s brilliant. How’s it coming along?’

‘Pretty well actually. I’m managing to write it fairly easily but it’s the same old point, I just hope it’s the kind of thing they are after. I’m really enjoying doing it and hopefully it will be enough to get me in. And what’s new with you?’

‘Well Tobe, and this isn’t the only reason I got in touch, you know I’ve wanted to catch up with you for ages, but I wanted to also talk to you about Blake.’

‘Blake, why what’s going on?’

‘He’s had a bit of break down.’
‘What? Are you serious? Blake?’ Toby couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Blake was the most confident, most successful and generally speaking most relaxed of the lot of them. He was working for a successful Barrister in the heart of Holborn (look into chambers) had a fantastic girlfriend, great family, he seemed to have everything.

?Yeah, I don’t know exactly what happened but apparently his colleague from work came into their office on Friday morning noticed that Blake wasn’t at his desk but his light was on so went round to turn it off and saw him lying under the desk all curled up, eyes open just staring at nothing.?

‘Jesus, you’re serious.’ Toby said, knowing he was obviously being serious but saying it more out of something to say.
‘Yeah, she tried to persuade him out but in the end there was nothing she could do. She had to call in one of the partners who called in a doctor and he’s been at St Mary’s hospice ever since.’

‘God, has he said anything yet?’

?Apparently not, but that’s not completely unusual. The doctor thinks that given some rest he should recover completely.’
‘Shit, do they know what bought it on?’

‘The doctors said it is unlikely to have been caused by one event but that work pressure on top of a culmination of others stresses and problems was enough to tip him over. ‘He was hiding under his desk, shaking, and he didn’t say anything for a week after that. He’s been at the St Mary’s hospice since then resting. Sounds like work just got too much for him.’

‘Jesus.’

‘Yeah I know, it was a huge shock and I knew you’d want to know. I’m planning to go up and see him on Saturday if you want to come. I think it would be good for him to see some of his old mates you know. It’s about an hour’s drive so I could pick you up about 11 if it suits?’

‘Of course. God Spence, I can’t believe it. Blake’s absolutely the last person in the world I could imagine having problems like this. I had the impression he didn’t have any problems at all.’

‘Yeah I know what you mean. Perhaps he’s just a fantastic actor. It’s a bloody shock isn’t it. But I’m sure we can help him through it. Apparently work is being really good and paying for all his care and holding his job for as long as he needs which is good.’

‘That’s good though it’s probably their bloody fault for piling so much bloody work on his desk.’



God I wonder what’s been going on. It’s really strange to see this happen. You think you know people really well and then all of a sudden something like this happens. I’ve spent a lot of time envying Blake. Especially when I was a paralegal and he had his fantastic job. I’ve never even seen him lose his temper or act worried or anything like the rest of us.’

‘Neither have I really. But that’s the thing. He’s obviously been putting up a tremendous front all this time which can’t have been easy. Perhaps that’s why it’s got too much for him. Poor bugger. Hopefully seeing us on Saturday will do him some good. Anyway, enough of all this depressing stuff, do you fancy a bite, there’s a great Vietnamese place just up the road. Very dodgy interior but the food is fantastic, though it does come out suspiciously fast. What do you think?