Chapter 22

‘OK Toby we'll be back in about an hour. Behave yourself.’
‘Do you feel like going anywhere in particular’ Saffron said as she and Alex turned into the street and started walking up (insert street name, idea of the directions)
‘I don't mind walking actually, why don't we walk down towards brick lane?’
‘Great I know some fantastic little cafe's down there if we get thirsty. So did you have a good time last weekend?’
‘It was fantastic, thanks so much for inviting me. God I miss doing that kind of thing. James never wants to go out like that.’
‘So how has it been this week’ Saffron said, not wanting to probe too far, preferring to let Alex talk at her own speed and pace.
‘He's been pretty frosty. He doesn't like me going out with people when he's not there. God knows why. Maybe it's just insecurity or something like that but he gets really pissed off. Anyway he's hardly spoken to me all this week.’

They walked along for a while, not really saying anything. Saffron knew that Alex was in a bad situation. She was far to young to be controlled like this and far too sprightly to be staying in every Saturday night playing the traditional wife to some out dated controlling boyfriend or husband who seemed to be intent on moulding a suitable wife. She had seen how much Alex had lighted up at the gig, how much she had enjoyed herself and could just see what an effect marrying someone like the James she had described would have on her personality. But she also knew it was something Alex had to decide, she would have to come to conclusions on her own and Saffron didn't want to be the one to put the words into her mouth which was why, for now she was happy to wander along silently and wait for Alex to say whatever it was she wanted to say.
‘You know’ Alex said finding her voice, ‘the problem with meeting someone when you are at university is that when you go to university you are usually the same people, you've all gone through school, had a similar upbringing that kind of thing and its so easy to feel like you have something in common. But by the time you leave you can be completely different people but you're still together and then one day you look at the other person and you can't figure out what the hell you have in common apart from your past. Am I making any sense?’
‘Perfectly’ Saffron said waiting a moment before answering unless Alex wanted to continue.
‘I just think that the person you are when you're seventeen or eighteen compared to the person you are when you're twenty four can be worlds apart. When I met James I thought wow, he's an intelligent guy, he seems on-to- it, he's got a great career ahead of him, and I don't know, we were at Uni, it was all fairly easy, and it made sense. But now I’m twenty three, and we're engaged and I look at him and I look at what we've done together over the past for years and apart from building a large DVD collection we have bugger all to show for it.’
Saffron laughed and linked arms with Alex as a cold wind whipped down Great Eastern Road, cutting through her coat, an item in which she knew she should have invested more money in.
‘God it's freezing here isn't it. Let's duck around the back of Spittlefields and up to Brick Lane that way’ Saffron said crossing the road into Quaker street which immediately felt more protected from the wind and considerably warmer.
‘I know exactly what you mean Alex’ Saffron said returning once again to the conversation, ‘I've got loads of friends who have broken up with their University boyfriends or girlfriends recently for that very reason. They've got to twenty something and they are really into bands when the other person is into clubbing, or the theatre or not going out or what ever and they realise that they couldn't be further apart. And I also think this is the ideal age for refining who you are, and doing that yourself is important. I don't think it's right to just be told at twenty three how you should and how you shouldn't behave. That's the thing about being in a place like London isn't it? There are so many options, you can try everything once and then say right, this is the kind of person I am, this is what I like doing, I don't like doing that, I believe in this, you know, but I think these are definitely decisions you have to make yourself, not be told that you should like this or you shouldn't go there. Sorry, god I can go on and on can't I.’
‘No Saff, I really appreciate having someone to talk to about this. This has been the hardest thing really. Until I met you guys recently I really had no one to speak to about this. Like I said, my parents are in the Pro-James camp and I’ve practically lost all of my friends because we never go out and as I keep trying to tell James you have to see friends for them to remain friends, otherwise you just fall out of contact and then you have nothing in common any more. The other thing is that I have spent a lot of time defending him which I suppose comes down to the fact that it’s easier to defend someone’s actions when you are going out with them because otherwise, you have to face up to the truth that if you don’t like how they act then maybe you shouldn’t be with them and then if you start feeling like that then you have to do something about it. Sorry that’s all much mumbled, did that make any sense?’

‘Completely. I know exactly what you mean, though it sounds like you have decided to stop defending or justifying the way he acts.’

‘Yeah I guess I have really.’

‘I know it’s a great cliché to say I’ve been there Alex but the truth of the matter is that I have actually been in the same situation or a very similar situation myself. Not exactly the same situation obviously but I was going out with a guy at Art School and it was similar. I just assumed because we were both at Art School everything else would be fine. But there are all sorts of people in these places for all sorts of reasons. I love what I’m doing now but the industry is bursting with wankers who would rather bang on about the fact that they are an Artist or work in new media than focus on their interest in whatever medium it is that they are doing. After a while I realised that we had absolutely nothing in common, not to mention the fact that he was shagging someone else at the same time, and that ended.’

‘Jesus really?’

‘Yean, anyway where was I getting to with that. Ah that’s right the things is because of that I’ve had a few years pretty much on my own and figuring out what I like and what I don't like and then I just so happened to bump into Toby who when I first looked at him in his suit near the city couldn't have been a worse match but you know it turned out that he was very similar to me, and you know things are going really well.
‘That’s really great, you guys look very good together’
‘Thanks, but now I’m a bit confused as to how I was relating this to you? Saffron said feeling guilty that she had turned the conversation around onto herself. ‘Ah that’s right; I think the key is that it comes down to timing. Take me and Toby for instance. When I first started my job I was really impressed by the industry and the people and the fact that I was working in some converted industrial building in Shoreditch and being paid to do what I love. And if I’d run into Toby then in his suit I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance when he knocked my drink out of my hand.’
‘He did what?’
‘Ah that's how we met. He claims it was an accident but he basically walked into me in a bar and knocked my drink over so he went up to get another one for me and then we got chatting and here we are.’
‘What a nice story.’
‘Yeah it is and it worked out but it could very easily not have. By the time I met Toby, I had been working in the industry for over three years and had noticed all the wankery and precious behaviour and the we're so cool for working in Shoreditch’ and so when I saw him I was far more open to meeting someone different, even if they were wearing a suit. Hey shall we pop in here?’ Saffron said motioning to a cafe they were approaching as they started making their way up Brick Lane.’
‘Yeah, I’m freezing, let's go.’

As they sat in the window, clutching their coffees to warm up their hands and watching the streams of people fighting their way down brick lane past the rows of stalls, their faces emerging from their scarves Alex felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Just speaking about her situation with Saffron had made a huge difference. For a long time she had had no one to talk to, apart from her parents who generally told her that she was being selfish, ungrateful and after a while she had started to doubt her own thoughts. Which is probably why she had waited this long to do anything about it.

‘You know Andy gave me his number the other night’ Alex said after a few moments silence, and without breaking her gaze which was currently fixed upon an old man who was selling an assortment of foreign books, dolls with no arms, old car radios and a collection of battered shoes. How the hell does this guy make any money, Alex wondered as she peered at his collection of what was essentially other peoples rubbish. Or perhaps he never sold anything but just came down to be involved, or to have something to do with his Saturday and feel as if his life wasn't completely without reason or motivation.

‘What are you going to do?’ Saffron said, trying to hide her surprise. She had noticed them talking and laughing when she and Toby had been on the dance floor but hadn’t thought much of it..

‘I really don't know. I can't do anything until I’ve sorted everything out with James, what ever that is. I don't even know if I'm interested in Andy, maybe I fancy him because he flirted with me and showed some interest. Maybe I should have told him then and there that I have a boyfriend, Jesus I mean fiancé. God Saff how the hell can I have a fiancé, I’m only bloody twenty three? I'm not even near feeling ready for marriage.’

‘So you don't think you're ready to get married to James .’
‘No, I really don't. I feel like I’ve been caught up in the machine which I can't get out of. Girls are supposed to look forward to a wedding you know, get excited and talk about it with their friends, that kind of thing. I almost feel like I wasn't asked, I was told. He even asked me in front of my parents one night when we were all out for dinner together for New Years. They started screaming and shouting and ordering champagne and by the end of that it was sort of done. Mum booked a venue, she dragged me around the shops looking for dresses and all the while I was just sort of going through the motions you know? I should have said something, but then again, I've been going out with James for four years and I suppose I just thought, oh well this is what people do, this is life, this is normal.’

‘I don't want to tell you what to do Alex, but I think you're right. I don't think Marriage is something you should fall into or drift into. I know it's not always fairytale like the bloody movies but I do think you should be excited, you know want to marry the person your going to marry. And to me it sound's like this is just another stage you're drifting into.’

‘No that's fine, and I actually really want to hear your opinion. James is nice guy, there's no denying that. He's a nice guy and he's probably got a great future ahead of him but he's just so conservative, I mean already, at the age of twenty seven and I just don't see that changing. He's bound to get worse. Starting this job and meeting you guys and going out with you sometimes, it's really opened my eyes. I don't want to spend every bloody Saturday night home watching DVD’s, never doing anything new, never meeting new people. I mean I know he doesn't like clubs and bars and that's fine but shit there are so many other things to do in this city and he doesn't really want to do any of them. And I feel like if I carry on like this I’ll become like him, I'll have no real interests and then have nothing to say to people. Shit, Andy was asking me the other night what bands I’d seen lately and had I been to this venue or that venue and I kind of had to dance around the subject. I realised that I hadn't seen a band for nearly eight years and you know, when I was much younger, I loved music.’

‘I think this is the problem with so many relationships Alex, that people feel that they can't maintain any individualism or personal interests which aren't shared or dependent upon the other person. Which means that often the person you originally met and fell in love with has become this kind of diluted form of themselves, minus all the flair and spark, and one day you look at the situation and say, shit, we literally have nothing in common apart from the fact that we have been going out all this time.