Chapter 21

As Saffron walked through the front door of the flat and quietly closed the front door, Toby hurriedly tried to clean up the remaining pieces of broken plate which now lay in several pieces in various corners of the kitchen floor.

‘What’s going on clumsy? Saffron said leaning down to pick up one of the pieces which had somehow made it’s way halfway out the door. ‘Hey what’s wrong’ she said looking up and noticing for the first time the tears that had started welling up in Toby’s eyes, forced down his cheeks as he continued bending over and picking up the remainder of the broken plate. Toby gave up the hunt and slumped on the floor against the kitchen cabinet, his head in his chest, tears now streaming down his face and his arms embracing his knees in front of him. He had managed to contain himself until now, if throwing a plate against the wall could be described as contained, but he hadn’t actually broken down, but seeing Saffron and hearing her sympathetic voice was enough to send him over the edge.

His day had begun ordinarily enough. He had worked the morning shift at the bean but for some reason in the early afternoon he had begun feeling low. He didn’t know what had sparked it off but his body refused to shake it off and a succession of negative thoughts had flooded his mind and they were about one thing. It had been six months since he had left his job to try to write. Six months of working in a café part time, barely able to afford anything, not that he really wanted anything but the fact that he knew he was practically paralysed financially tended to lurked in the background, governing his decisions as to what he could or more importantly, couldn’t do.

‘I’m sorry? Toby said, still not looking up, his voice muffled between his knees, and wiping away the tears, trying to pull himself together, not that he needed to. It wasn’t the first time Saffron had seen him break down. Toby was generally relaxed and happy about his new life, often excited by the fact that he was facing an absolute unknown. When things were going well for him and he was in the right mood, he knew he had made exactly the right decision. He knew he wouldn’t be poor forever and that he was far better being poor doing something he wanted to do than slightly less poor doing something he couldn’t stand. But then every once in a while it all became too much for him.

‘I don’t know how much longer I can handle this Saff’
‘What are you talking about?’ Saffron said softly, sliding in beside Toby on the floor beneath the sink, rolling her knees over Toby’s like a blanket, and rubbing the back of his neck with her hand. She had become used to this conversation over the past few months. (check the timing) Toby had a light easy going personality which she had fallen in love with but he was also passionate enough to feel things deeply which meant that when he occasionally felt down or like life was too much for him, it hit him hard. She also knew that usually in such situations it was a simple case of talking patiently with him and helping him to understand that what he was doing was exactly what he should be doing, that he would feel a hundred times worse walking down the same dimly lit corridor, folder in hand, engaging in mindless pleasantries about past or future holiday plans.

I just don’t know what it is I’m trying to do here. I think I’ve made a mistake.’ Saffron said nothing. This wasn’t the first time she had seen Toby like this.

‘I’m just so fucking sick and tired of being broke and having to keep smiling while I tell people that I´m working in a shit café and writing for a pissy little magazine which doesn’t even pay me.

‘Come on you know that’s not true’, Saffron said rubbing Toby’s hand between her finger and thumb. ‘What you’re trying to do is become a writer and you knew that wasn’t going to be easy. It’s not supposed to be easy otherwise everyone would be doing it and you probably wouldn’t want to do it.’.

‘Yeah I know it’s not Saff, but’, Toby said pausing, his anger now gone and replaced with emotional exhaustion. Toby knew she was right. Most of the time he agreed with her. But it was getting increasingly difficult to remain positive and sometimes he even found himself wondering if he had made a huge mistake walking away from his job and his training contract. What he found hardest was answering the endless questions of what he did which was the first conversation piece of any new conversation. He immediately lost the conviction in his voice Toby felt that telling people that he was trying to become a writer was like telling people that you’re trying to become and actor or a rock star. People’s minds instantly lept to best selling novalists or concert headlining bands rather than the millions struggling along halfway in between.

‘It’s just, when I look at what I have for all my hard work of trying to be a writer it’s just very hard to see any progress Saff.’

‘But you have to look at this a bit more objectively Tobe. I mean I know when you’re feeling like this that’s hard but you need to try to. A few months ago, when I met you apart from the joy of meeting me you were very miserable in your job. You had no status, you didn’t like the work, you didn’t want to be one of those people. And you know you’re not the only one Tobe. There are hundreds, probably thousands of people working in the city and hating every minute of it. The difference is you had the balls to do something about it.

‘Listen sweetie’ Saffron said, running her fingers through the back of Toby’s and resting her hand on his shoulder, ‘I know it’s a terrible cliché but I think you’ve got to remember that things don’t happen over night. You’re trying to become a writer. And as much as you want to do it you haven´t gone down a traditional path. You’re trying to go from being a wanna be lawyer to a writer and you have taken the first major step which is changing your direction. You can bet you would never have got anywhere towards writing seriously if you had stayed in the law firm. The moment you became a trainee you would have been working so many hours and earning enough money that writing would have drifted away. At least now you are giving yourself a proper chance. And that’s the other thing. Whether it works out or not, this is a real opportunity for you. You may never be in a position again in your life where the only person affected by your lack of money is you. I know that having bugger all money probably isn’t much fun and I’m not going to deny that but we also manage to do pretty much what we need to don’t we? We have a nice time, we have a nice flat, we go out sometimes, and all the while you’re giving yourself a chance to do what you want. You don’t have a mortgage or a baby or that kind of thing and you should really try and enjoy the fact that you are in a position to indulge your passions and know that if it doesn’t work out you’ve lost nothing.


‘I know, you’re right Saff.’

‘Of course I’m right. And you need to get over this ‘I’ve only written for a pissy magazine thing.’ It may be a pissy little magazine Toby but it’s a magazine and they have published you. Regardless of its size they have looked at the way you right and given you their approval. And its also some writing history you know?’

‘Thanks Saff’ Toby said sitting up a little straighter from his position which had become dangerously close to horizontal. ‘When I’m in a good mood I feel exactly the same way but then something sets me off and I find it really hard to shake the negative thoughts. Thank god I’ve got you eh?’ Toby leaned in and kissed Saffron softly on the lips, before wiping away a stray hair which had attached itself to his still damp cheeks.
‘Look you know I love you Tobe and I’m really proud of you for doing what you’re doing. You’re hard working, you’re determined; you make sure you write every single day. I think it’s extremely impressive. Anyway it’s important to get your emotions out once in a while. Has something happened to set this off today?’

‘Kind of. I was feeling fairly average at work but nothing too serious. Just a little too introspective which happens occasionally. The thing which set it off was probably an email I got when I got home. Have I ever mentioned a mate of mine called Dan?’

‘I don’t think so?
‘He’s an old mate of mine who I haven’t really spoken to for ages. He was part of the group of guy’s I hung out with at Uni.’
‘They would be the super achievers you’ve told me about’, Saffron said smiling.
‘Exactly.’ Toby smiled for the first time all day. This was one of things he loved about Saffron. She was so similar in so many ways, and yet, in others, like this she was completely different. She had her share of bad moods, minor tantrums and breakdowns but generally these were separate and independent of Toby’s and when he was down she knew how to turn him around in a way which wasn’t just telling him what he wanted to hear. She never said, yeah Toby you’ll be a famous writer one day. Instead, like she had just done now, she pointed out the benefits of what he was doing, how his decision had been the right one.

‘I’m feeling a fair bit better now talking to you about things but when I got home there was this group email from Dan about his stag do which is coming up in about three months time.’
‘You mean I get to buy a hat? Saffron said excitedly.
‘If I invite you’ Toby said smiling. ‘The invite will most likely say me plus one so I’ll have to decide a little closer to the time who my plus one will be.’
‘I’ll be waiting to hear from you.’
‘Don’t worry I’ll let you know. Anyway the Stag do is a long weekend to Estonia, which of course means flights, hotel, and three days of eating a drinking. He put a breakdown of the costs and there is no way in a million years I can afford to go. There were emails going back and forward between the guys and I knew I couldn’t reply. Now before you say don’t be so bloody ridiculous it’s not the most important thing in the world and who wants to pollute a European city for a weekend, I know, it’s not important but I think it really threw me because we used to do things as a group all the time and this will be one of the first occasions where I can’t go. And you’re right, I’ve got a lot to be grateful for, and in a way I don’t even want to go but it just sent home the fact that our lives are so different right now and that I’m going to have to get used to it, but I was in a pretty low mood and it just upset me.

Saffron smiled, standing up and switching on the kettle. ‘You have every right to feel a little upset or jealous Tobe. It’s natural. But the key is to realise that it’s just a stag do. It’s just a few days of drinking and there will be others and right now you are doing exactly what you need to be doing for yourself. It’s certainly a shame, and it would be nice to go away with them and you’d probably have a great time but what you really need to focus on is the fact that your bigger priority right now is changing your life and setting things up so that you are doing what you want to be doing. I think you need to be honest with your friends. It was one thing when you were working in the city and they probably presumed you were making good money, but they all know you have left, that you’re trying to become a writer, that you’re making coffees and toasted sandwiches during the day. You’re only going to fall further and further away from your mates if you keep up this façade that everything is exactly as it was. Life’s like that. You’re all mates because you were in the same place at the same time and had some similar interests but you’re all different and those differences are only going to become more pronounced as you get older. I think you should be honest and say, look guys, I’d love to go, I wish I could go but I can’t go because I just can’t afford it. That struggling writers are paid far too little and make light of it. I’m sure they would feel better afterwards as well. Of course they will want you to go but if you tell them what your situation is then it’s all out in the air and I’m sure you’ll feel a hell of a lot better. They’re probably dancing around the subject just as much as you are.’

‘Why do you have to be so bloody right all the time’ Toby said.
‘Fierce intelligence I suppose. Now let’s get up, I’m getting a sore bum sitting here. You make the coffee and you own me a new plate!’