Chapter 18

‘Just hang your jacket on mine’ Saffron said to Alex as they waited in line for the coat check in the entrance of the shed. ‘You'll appreciate this once we're inside.’
‘What about Toby’ Alex said, struggling to be heard over the sound of one of the bands performing a sound check in the next room.
‘He?s alright, he's just gone to get some money out, and he?ll meet us inside.’

The Shed was small by the standards of most London music venues, which had the advantage of feeling full, even when there were only a dozen or so people at a gig. In the late seventies lots of emerging, now well known artists had passed through but it had fallen out of favour as venues tend to do and now it tended to support itself by remaining undiscerning and allowing practically anyone play. From time to time someone very decent would spring out of nowhere, but by and large it hosted the kinds of bands whose supporters generally shared the same blood group as its players.

‘So what is your friends band called again’ Alex said passing Saffron her gin and tonic and leaning up next to her beside one of the pillars presumably preventing the roof from tumbling down, about twenty feet back from the front of the stage.

‘The Knees’’ Saffron shouted into Alex’s ear.
‘The Knees?’
‘Yeah, I think The Elbows was taken?’ Saffron said smiling.
‘So how do you know them?’ Alex asked. ‘Are they well known or what?’
‘Nah, I'm good friends with Andy who’s in the group. He’s their base player. We went to Art School together and he's been in bands ever since I’ve known him. I try to come along and support him whenever I can. It's usually quite good fun, they tend to play with another couple of bands which are sometimes good and sometimes terrible. Either way it's usually a good laugh.?

Alex looked around the bar which seemed full but was probably playing host to less than twenty or thirty people. In the corner, sitting quietly, and presumably trying to keep a low profile was someone's mother and father and presumably younger sister. Scattered around the place were various friends lurking, shouting loudly over the backing music, impatient for things to get started.

‘Hey what’s up?’ Saffron asked noticing that Alex was looking a little pensive or introspective or something which wasn’t relaxed.

‘Sorry Saff, it’s nothing really I was just thinking that this is probably the first normal gig I’ve ever been to, you know, not a big act but just a normal gig watching normal people play. Sorry, I don’t mean to lower the mood, I guess I’m starting to realise what I’ve been missing out on.’

‘Yeah, but try not to worry too much about all that.’

‘Actually I’m not, if fact its really, which is kind of exciting in the fact that I now realise there are a hell of a lot of option but you know a little sad thinking I’ve been sitting around and wasting my time for the past four years.?

‘You guys don’t really go out then?? Saffron said leaning in close to Alex to make herself heard.

‘James doesn’t really do going out. He’s anti-clubbing because of the drugs and says people are just wasting their lives and he thinks that you just end up screwing up your ears going to gigs. It’s partly my fault. I should have put my foot down more I guess, but he’s quite controlling. Not obviously but he has a much more dominant personality than I do and I suppose that when you’re going out with someone like that, and you’re a sort of conflict avoider like me then you tend to just get into a habit of doing what the other person does. Pretty pathetic eh?

‘No not at all Alex, I don’t think you need to be hard on yourself. Going out with people can completely transform you. I’ve got heaps of friends who have completely changed or practically disappeared off the map because of someone they are going out with. And the problem is if you are seeing someone almost exclusively, it’s really hard to get an objective sense of what is right and wrong. It’s not like you get to look at how he behaves and then compare it to a dozen other relationships to see if it’s normal. You know, it’s usually only once you’re out of a situation, not that I’m saying you need to be Alex, but I mean often once your out of a situation you look at it and say, Jesus Christ how the held did I let myself behave like that. And it’s usually because you’ve met someone at the other end of the scale which throws the old behaviour into perspective, sorry does that make any sense or am I babbling.

It makes perfect sense, I have to say it’s such a relieve to be able to get someone else’s opinion on these things. I’ve really missed having someone to speak to about these kinds of things Saff. Thanks, I really appreciate it.

No need to thank me, it?s a pleasure. And don?t for a second think that you?re the only one caught up like this. My last boyfriend treated me like absolute shit and I sat by and let him do it for almost two years. I was completely blind to what was going on. It got to a point where he wanted to go out clubbing with his friends and god knows who else and I wasn?t able to go, but if I wanted to go out with anyone apart from him he would make such a scene that I stopped doing it and just allowed myself to be manipulated like that. And the truth is at the time, I didn?t like it but by the end of the relationship I thought it was a fairly normal situation. But once we broke up I started to realise that I?d been neglecting my friends, and that there were actually people out there who enjoyed spending time together in a sort of non manipulative way.

‘Did you break up with him?’
‘Yeah. One of my friends found out why I was never allowed to go clubbing with him and his friends. He apparently had his midweek girl and then his Saturday night girl. My friend saw him in a club and went up to him to say hello. Anyway this other bitch came up, actually I can’t really call her a bitch because she had no idea about me, but she was a bit wasted and came up to my friend while she was talking to him and told her to piss off and to stop hitting on her boyfriend or something to that effect.
‘Bastard’ Alex said.
‘I know. But because I was in the situation I didn’t question the fact that I wasn’t allowed to go out with him on Saturdays. I tended to think it was normal behaviour which it probably would have been once in a while but every Saturday? But like I said, I was blind to it and it was only afterwards that things seemed to start making sense. And then you meet someone new, like Toby for instance, who treats you completely differently and you just want to slap yourself for letting yourself suffer through such a situation at all. But then again, you have to go through the odd dodgy relationship to appreciate the good ones.’

‘James isn’t really the cheating type. He’s home every night and insists I spend all my time with him but he definitely manipulates me in other ways.
God, I haven't seen my friends for ever. I used to go out with them alone but then he started making a fuss that I wanted to go out without him and so I would let him come, which mean it wasn’t quite the same with my friends. He never want’s to go out so we’ve kind of fallen into a routine of doing nothing.’

‘Well I’m always free for a girlie drink for just the two of us Alex.’
‘Thanks Saff. The other thing is that when you don’t have anyone to mention these things to you start to wonder whether in fact you are the one who has it wrong.?
‘Don’t worry; I don’t think you have it wrong at all? Saffron said looking over Alex’s shoulder at Toby who was approaching from the door.

‘Enjoying yourself Ladies’ Toby said cheerily. ‘Not exactly packed is it but I’m here now, who needs another drink?’
‘I'm fine for now thanks’ Alex said. Looking at Saffron and Toby she could see how affectionate they were with each other. They weren't all kissy kissy, the kind of thing that instantly makes a third wheel of anyone with them, but instead they seemed to show their affection far more subtly. Brief smiles, a hand lingering stare, a mutually deprecating joke, that kind of thing.


Alex stood silently shoulder to shoulder with Saffron, watching the dozen or so independent groups which had settled around the bar like small communities. They were mostly completely lost in their own lives, oblivious to the conversations and lives five meters either side of them. They were all there for a common purpose though. It didn’t matter whether the bands were good or bad. It was about being in a room full of people who had thought the same thoughts about their Saturday night. It didn’t make any difference whether it was a restaurant, a club, a gig venue. What people really want is to be part of a group of people who are similar to them because it reinforces their thoughts, it confirms that there are others who like what they like which means that they can’t be completely mad, or their view of the world isn’t completely askew. Safffety in numbers. Humans are pack animals after all Alex thought. People talk about a completely equal, egalitarian world in which everyone is exactly the same, have the same rights options, are all part of the same class, but that’s not what people really want. People want the same rights, so that they have the option of doing the same things if they really want to but they don’t want to do the same thing. Society may help to structure groups but it is people who polarise themselves. Put a hundred random people in a room for a week and when you come back there will be groups, hierarchies, friends, enemies, lovers, jealousies. This was the problem with James Alex thought, not so much upset but rather, relieved to finally gain some understanding of her situation. He didn’t let her have a pack and without the pack she was beginning to doubt everything about what she did. There was no positive reinforcement, not gage of what was an acceptable or unacceptable act. Even forming a small pack with Saffron and Toby had shed an enormous amount of light on her situation.

?Here you are Alex? Toby said retuning from the bar and interrupting her thoughts.

‘So are The Knees any good’ Alex asked looking over in the direction of the four straggly guys who had emerged onto the stage, seemingly oblivious of the rest of the bar and who seemed to be hunting urgently for a cable or a guitar or something which should have been there but wasn't.

‘I have no idea; I've never heard them play. I just hope they are mildly better than his last band’ Saffron said laughing. ‘Don't get me wrong, I love Andy, he's one of my best old friends, and I really admire his devotion to music, but anyway, we'll wait and see.’

Alex pulled her mobile from her pocket and, looking at the screen, excused herself from Saffron and Toby slipping out into the street.

‘She seems really nice don't you think’ Saffron said as she watched the band scurrying round looking increasingly nervous. ‘I wonder what the hell they have lost.’
‘She does doesn't she. She's very easy to talk to, you know how with some people if you're not saying anything, then it feels uncomfortable, like you and me for instance’ Toby said grinning.
‘Very good smart arse’ Saffron said elbowing Toby lightly in the ribs. ‘No, I know what you mean.’
‘Speaking of which here she comes’ Toby said under her breath.
?Here I am? Alex said forcing a smile to her face rather unsuccessfully and retrieving her drink from Toby before taking a long sip to calm her nerves.
?Everything ok ?Saffron said, aware of the sudden change in her complexion.
‘yeah it's ok’ Alex replied unconvincingly.
Saffron looked over Alex's shoulder and motioned to Toby with her eyes to make himself scarce which he did by lingering over near the stage to see if he could figure out what the band, which was now looking close to hysterical, had lost.
‘What's happened, was that James?’
‘yeah, sorry, I don't normally cry like this, god how embarrassing.’
‘Relax’, Saffron said putting her arm around Alex's shoulder. ‘Do you want to talk about it, there’s no pressure, if you don’t want to that's cool.’

‘I wouldn't mind actually’ Alex said wiping the tears away from the base of her eye carefully to stop her mascara running down her face.
‘I’m mean look at the facts Saff. I’m bloody well twenty three. I'm supposed to be going out, I'm supposed to have friends, but James is, I don't know, he just never really wants to do anything. There's always an excuse or some bloody reason why we shouldn't do something and in the end, I don't want to fight, so I just give up. I know he's a bit older, but I mean, he's only twenty-seven, he should want to go out himself, but he's been this way since University.
‘Did he give you a hard time on the phone?’
‘He said I shouldn't be out without him, and that I don't even like gigs and then he said I had been waiting for him to get away so that I could go out without him. I don't know Saff, I just feel like I’m twenty-three and I’m living like an old married woman. It would be one thing if I didn't want to go out, but I do. And it's not as if I want to go out every night, but I’m young and I’m living in London. I'm supposed to be having the time of my life. Christ we're supposed to be getting married in six months!’
‘Look, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong ok, you're completely right, it's Saturday night in London, you're young, and you?re doing exactly what you should be doing.’
Christ, poor thing Saffron thought looking at Alex who was beginning to calm down. She was really sweet, gorgeous, just such a natural feeling person and she dreaded the thought of her living in this controlled, dress down Friday world with some guy who was twenty-seven going on fifty. She could tell that she wasn't looking forward to the wedding, which she was probably being pressured into by him or her parents or both. ‘Look, have a good night tonight; try not to think about things. You're completely within your rights to be doing what you're doing. Even if he was in town and you wanted to go out and he didn't, you should damn well be able to.’
‘Thanks Saff’ Alex said relieved and smiling at Saffron. ‘It's bloody hard actually because every time I think like this I’m filled up with guilt and I don't know what to do. Sorry to go on. This is your Saturday night too; I’m turning you into my bloody agony aunt.’
‘Go on as much as you like honey’ Saffron said. ‘I’ve been in a similar situation myself. This isn’t that uncommon you know. The key is to realise that you are doing absolutely nothing wrong. You are doing exactly what you should be doing at this stage in your life. But being controlled like this isn’t an age thing. You can’t you’re your life controlled like that whether your twenty three or bloody fifty three. Just because you go out with someone certainly doesn’t give them the right to control your actions. They certainly have the right to know where you are, and usually the option to come along, but in the end you’ve got to be able to make decisions for yourself. Otherwise you’ll just end up feeling trapped like you do now and want to break out.’

‘ Yeah you’re right. I just don’t have anyone else I feel I can talk to about this. My parents are no bloody use. They have no idea about these kinds of things and they look at James, working for Lloyds and think I have hit the fucking jackpot. They can't believe I?m not over the moon and thanking my lucky stars and whenever I try to talk to them, mum in particular, she always ends up saying that I can't act like this, and that I'm very lucky to have met James at that I'll have to stop thinking like this especially when I get married. It feels like they are a bloody pair working against me. They even talk about the wedding together. God she may as well marry him herself.’
Saffron burst out laughing, more out of nervous tension than anything else, but it was enough to lighten the mood and Alex joined in.
‘Look, I say ignore all that tonight Alex, have a good time, perhaps you and I can meet up tomorrow or sometime this week and talk about things properly, when we can hear ourselves.’
‘Thanks I'd like that a lot’ Alex said smiling.
‘Good, off to the bar with you then’ Saffron said triumphantly, noticing that Alex needed a quick task to prevent the tears form flowing again.

The Knees, having found what ever it was that they had lost, played a few introductory chords for the sound guy before introducing themselves. Within seconds of their starting it became clear to Saffron that the great improvement from Andy's last work hadn't quite materialised and that again, her motivation would remain that of the supportive friend and not the interested friend.
‘These guys are going all the way to the top’ Toby said remerging at Saffron's side and grinning.
‘Be quiet you, Andy's my friend, and besides, at least they have the balls to get up there unlike you you lazy toad.’
‘Hey is she alright?’ Toby said motioning in the direction of the bar where Alex was leaning, half watching the band and half watching the bar so as not to lose her place.
‘Boy problems, I said I’d meet up with her this week and have a proper chat to her. She's so nice; but don't mention anything tonight, it sound's like nights out are pretty few and far between.’
‘Right-o. When can we leave?’ Toby said grinning again.
‘Quiet you’ Saffron said running her fingers down the side of his cheek before giving him a playful slap.

Alex arrived back and slid in beside Saffron, evidently loving the experience, regardless of Andy's band which seemed to have carried whatever disorganisation had held them up pre-gig into their music.
‘So the guy there at the back is your friend Andy’ Alex said motioning towards the stage with a brief flick of her head.

‘Yeah, the straggly, curly haired one at the back on the right wearing the black t-shirt. What do you think?’ Saffron said mischievously.
‘I've seen stragglier’ said Alex smiling, and then, feeling a little embarrassed, changing the topic quickly. ‘They're not a bad band are they?’
‘Don't worry you don't have to just say that cos he's my friend Alex, they're appalling, but he's a good friend, so as usual I'll say they are great.’
‘They certainly are noisy’ Alex said with a grin and taking another sip from her straw.


After five or so indistinguishable songs the Knees departed the stage to a generous applause from the crowd which could have been appreciative of their performance or appreciative of their getting off.
‘Finally!’ Toby said winking at Alex, making her laugh, before receiving a swift jab in the ribs from Saffron. ‘Still glad you came?
‘Thanks, I’m having a great time.’

A few moments later Andy wandered over and kissed Saffron and shook Toby's hand.
‘Another classic performance Andy’ Toby said with a smile on his face and winking at Saffron.’
‘I thought you were planning to dump this loser Safff, he's really bringing you down you know.’
Toby had met Andy at one of his gigs not long after he had first started seeing Saffron and they had fallen into an easy take the piss friendship. Andy loved his music, and sincerely believed he was talented which was partly true in respect of his ability to play the base and play in consecutive bands, but he hadn't yet managed to form a unit which played as such, a unit. Either way it's always a relief to get on with the friends of someone you're interested in, especially during the early, will I , wont I, stages. Even though Toby didn't particularly like Andy's music, he did admire the fact that the guy was completely dedicated to it and ignored his many critics. He was self fulfilled by the music and that was enough for him. (needs work this paragraph)
‘Andy, this is a friend of ours Alex, Alex Andy.’
‘O-right’ Andy said wiping his hand on his shirt before offering it to Alex. His forehead was streaming with sweat from the lights over the stage and his shirt was visibly soaking. ‘Sorry about the ah, ‘
‘Nice to meet you’ Alex said, trying to sound casual. She had caught herself staring at Andy throughout the gig and had hardly noticed how terrible the band was. She had felt a little guilty staring at him during the gig. It was a form of betrayal she thought but then again James was acting like a pig and she was pissed off with him; maybe not pissed off but certainly fed up. It hardly mattered that Andy's band sounded as if they had never played together before, let alone touched an instrument. He was completely different from James. A million miles away. His looks were as dishevelled as his music. He was taller than James, probably a bit over six feet, his black t-shirt probably hadn't been washed recently and was loose and stretched over his waiffish chest. He had thick brown hair which was slightly curled and, after the gig, seemed to be lying all over the place. (more work on description)

‘So how’d you like the gig’ Andy said earnestly taking a long sip from the pint Toby had just handed him.
‘It was great’ Alex lied. ‘The last song was really cool.’
‘Thanks. We've really improved a lot since our last gig’ Andy said which sent Toby into an immediate fit of laughter.
‘Ignore this wanker’ Andy said smiling and punching Toby playfully in the ribs. ‘He just doesn't appreciate art. I mean look at him, looks like he was dressed by his mother. He's the kind of guy who walks around the Tate modern saying ‘This isn't art’ loudly.
‘He makes a terrible coffee too’ Alex added, joining in the casual round of Toby bashing and aligning herself with Andy.
‘Appalling lover’ Saffron said laughing and taking another sip of her drink.
‘Right! Alex you're fired, Saff you're dumped and Andy you can't come to my birthday party this year!’ Toby retorted, looking triumphant. ‘Come on Saff’ he continued grabbing Saffron by the hand. ‘If you want to save this marriage let's boogie. ’
The bar was playing cheesy music in between bands and Toby proceeded to twirl Saffron around the floor, much to the astonishment of many of the ‘cool’ muzose who weren't quite sure how to react.

‘He's a hell of a guy’ Andy said, turning back to Alex who was now feeling a little nervous being on her own with Andy. Nervous that she wouldn't be able to do or say the right things which shouldn't have mattered to her because she had a boyfriend but she couldn't be bothered thinking about James and his sensible shoes right now. ‘I've known Saff for ages, Toby's the first real decent guy she's gone out with since I’ve known her. Terrible taste in music but a good guy.’
‘Yeah I’ve just started working with him but they're both really friendly. I hardly know them but I'd only known Saff for five minutes before she invited me for a night out.’
‘She's very good like that. We had a great time hanging out together at college.’
‘What, were you in the same classes or something like that?’
‘Nah not really. I was studying sculpture and she was doing her print design. She was actually seeing one of the other guys in my sculpture class, so I got to know her that way. He was a bit of a prick actually and ended up messing Saff around a bit which is why I was so pleased when she met Toby. He seems like a bloody decent guy.’
‘It’s a shame he’s such an appalling lover’ Alex said grinning and Andy laughed looking across at Saff and Toby who were now attempting some kind of waltz to dance music which had some of the coolest Muzose looking both confused and uncomfortable.
‘So did you really enjoy the music or were you just being polite’ Andy said having returned from a brief trip to the bar.’
‘I did, though I very rarely go to gigs so I'm not sure I have that much to compare you to but I think it's brilliant that you get up there and do it. It must take a lot of guts. I suppose I'll be able to say ‘I saw the Knees’ before they became famous’ Alex said smiling, knowing that she was flirting, that she shouldn't be but that she wanted to. She felt so excited standing next to Andy, in a shitty, smokey bar in Old Street, with new friends, away from James and her mother and her wedding plans. This was what she always heard people talking about and was always jealous of when she heard them. Normal nights out, with friends.

‘Listen’ Andy said, looking over at Selia and Toby who were now performing some strange twirling number on the dance floor, and then back to Alex, ‘those guys will be back in a second and I probably won't get another chance to ask but, I'd quite like to see you again. Can I give you my number? You could give me a call if you felt like it. I know heaps of guys in other bands so maybe we could go along and catch a gig some night if you felt like it.’
Alex knew that this was the moment when she should really come clean about James, about the fact that she was due to get married in less than six months but she didn't want to. She felt too excited. She couldn't take her eyes off Andy and she loved the way he was making her feel about herself which was desirable which was something James seemed to have lost.
‘That sounds good. I'll send you a text sometime next week if it suits and we can arrange something.’
‘Great’ Andy said smiling and looking over her shoulder at Toby and Saff who were retreating from the dance floor as the second band for the night prepared to get started. ‘Hey nice moves Toby’ Andy said sarcastically. ‘You know they say good dancers make the best lovers!’ At that Alex and Saff looked at each other and burst out laughing once again.’