Chapter 14

‘Lets stay in bed today’ Toby said rolling over to face Saffron.
‘God you say that every morning, your impossible. You know I’d love to stay in bed with you but I've got to go. You're a terrible influence’ Saffron said rolling on top of Toby and kissing him before sliding out of bed. ‘Come on lets get up and have a coffee outside it looks like it's sunny.
‘Ok’. Toby forced himself upright, and, reaching for his towel staggered to his feet.
‘This isn't really the way you're supposed to feel about work at my age is it. Maybe after twenty years or so perhaps, but at my age there should be some semblance of motivation apparent. Right now I feel like pulling a sickie every bloody day. Are you going to have a shower? ’
‘It's all right I’ll have one tonight’ Saffron said pulling on her skin tight jeans and throwing on a tea-shirt.
‘I really need to work in your profession, Toby said watching Saffron as she stood brushing her hair in front of the mirror.’
‘What because of the clothes? It's a pain in the arse, I always have to think about combinations. All you need to do is change your shirt tie combination and you’re away. That’s far simpler. ‘
‘You’re probably right, I wouldn't be able to fit into those jeans anyway’ Toby said following Saffron into the kitchen.
‘Look Toby. Ever since I met you you've been unhappy in your job, and I can only assume you felt the same way before you met me.’
‘Actually I think it was meeting you that bought the depression to the surface. ‘
‘Shut up, and put the coffee on. Do you want cereal or toast? Or actually, shall we go out for breakfast.’
‘Nah lets stay here, we can sit outside, the sun’s trying to break through?
‘Its practically bloody snowing you idiot, ok I’ll put the coffee on, go and set the table in the living room.’

‘You have to remember that you're only twenty six Tobe.’ Saffron sat down, resting the percolator on an old piece of newspaper before pouring herself a coffee. ‘You've told me a dozen times you can't stand being a paralegal. And the next step up is being a trainee and then a Lawyer and by the sound of things you don’t exactly aspire to either of those two positions.
‘You’re right there.’
‘Well I’m not trying to tell you what to do but it just seems to me that you should think about giving something else a try while you still can.’
‘While I still can?’
‘You know what I mean. If you want to buy a drink or book a trip or whatever it's up to you. Apart from me you really don't have anyone else to consider. You don't have a mortgage to worry about; I just think that the time is perfect for you to try something a little different. And it's not just the fact that you don't want to be a Lawyer. Let's say you qualify, you start getting paid good money, you're another two or three years down the line, it's going to much more difficult to walk away than it is now.’
‘Yeah I see what you mean’ Toby said sipping his coffee and staring out the window which was wet with beads of condensation. ‘And your exactly right, I’ve definitely been thinking about it. Do you want milk?’
‘Soya’
‘Soya, Jesus what is the world coming to, you'll end up with rickets and your bones will snap.’
‘Soya has more calcium than milk dickhead’
‘Really? Oh well you're still a loser. Where was I. Yeah well I'd love to quit, and you're perfectly right. I know loads of people at work who are miserable but are used to the good money and their lifestyle and I know for sure they would find it impossible to walk away from their careers and all that security now. But you know the bugger is, even earning shit money is better than earning no money.’
‘No one’s saying you have to earn no money. Ignore money for a second. You have your whole life to earn money. What is it that you really want to do? That you’re always talking about doing.’
‘Have a proper bloody breakfast?
‘And you idiot?
‘Writing’
‘Exactly’
‘Come on Saff, how many billions of people in London, not to mention the rest of the universe fancy themselves as a writer.’
‘Yeah and how many of them sit on their asses and talk about it and never do it. Look, I've read some of your articles and I think they're really good. Obviously you'll think I’m just saying that but, regardless of what I think, if you want to write you need to write, not talk about writing and certainly not paralegal.’
‘And what about money’
‘That’s your bloody middle class upbringing talking and its also bloody defeatist. Look at this positively. If you want money eventually you’ll figure out how to make money. That’s not the hard bit. Try to look at this positively. Now I’m just suggesting this as a possibility. In the end you can do what you want but look at things realistically. You're twenty six. Just. If you decide to give it a go for two years and see how things work out, then if nothing has happened for you you'll be twenty-eight. Still young and you'd know you'd given it a go.
‘Yeah you're absolutely right there. But I’m not talking about money from the I want heaps of it point of view. I’m talking about survival Saff. You know how difficult London is.. Rent costs a fortune, travel, food, the list is endless. Even now I struggle each month.’
‘I've been thinking a bit about that’, Saffron said, feeling nervous for the fist time in the conversation.
‘Look Tobe, I’m not putting any pressure on you at all. I love the way things are at the moment but we spend practically every night together. I'm paying my rent and bills now and I’m fairly ok with money. Why don't you get a part time job and move in with me.’
‘Really, you're serious?’
‘Tobe!’
‘Sorry, of course you're serious. Shit, really?’
Toby sat for moment thinking, half expecting to be overcome with some kind of should I shouldn’t I emotion but it never came. Saffron was completely right. They spent practically every night together and, unlike previous girlfriends, he never felt claustrophobic or trapped when he was with her. He couldn’t think of a single reason why he wouldn’t prefer to live with her.
‘Jesus’ Toby said.

‘Look Tobe I’m not trying to pressure you ok.’
‘No don’t worry about that I’m not feeling pressured at all, I’m just a little surprised that’s all.’
‘Good surprised?’
‘Very good surprised. Just the thought of not working at Parkers anymore is a relief. But do you really think you'd be happy to live with a messy bastard like me?’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll train you.’
‘Will you just. I can be very stubborn.’
‘I can be very persuasive’ Saffron said moving from her chair closer to Toby’s and kissing the back of his neck.
‘That’s more like it!’ Toby said grinning. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to call in sick to celebrate?’
‘Sorry, you’ll have to be patient.’

‘So let’s say I move in with you, realistically now, what would I do for money?’

‘I really don't know Tobe, I haven’t given it much thought really but there are dozens of cafe's and bars around here. You just need to do something which frees up a bit of time. Even if you have four or so hours a day to write it's a good start and then you might be able to get a job in the media or publishing or whatever it is that you finally decide you want to do later on. The key is it will get you away from what you are doing now and free up your mind.’

‘What about Michael’ Toby said, ‘How would he feel about living with a couple??
‘He actually half suggested it Tobe. You know he likes you and he's hardly ever here. I was telling him about how you're not happy at work and all that and he said you should move in here. Look you don't have to decide now. You probably want to think about it a little bit. I know it's a big decision.’
‘No no I don't think I need to think about it Saff, It makes perfect sense to me really.’ Toby thought about leaving his work, starting something completely new. He had loved writing in New Zealand, working away at a mindless job and focussing on his writing. He thought about his friends who he couldn't keep up with. But now he didn't want to keep up with them. He had swiftly begun to lose interest in all that. Looking at Saffron sitting sheepishly in front of him it made perfect sense. Perhaps once he was officially a struggling writer they would finally realise he couldn't afford what they could. In fact it would probably make things a little easier. He wouldn't have the protective facade of the suit to hide behind. He wouldn't have to try to up sell his responsibilities as a paralegal. He could be completely honest. Being with Saffron had helped to change his view on what was important to him. She had a calm confidence which seemed to be rubbing of on him, Toby thought. All the nights spent cooking together, drinking bottles of cheap Chilean wine, watching dvd´s and smoking joints and then falling into bed together had taken an edge off his shoulders. Toby knew this was what he should be doing. What he wanted to be doing. The thought of continuing the endless grind of rising up a corporate ladder made him feel weak. He also knew it was highly hypocritical to carry on doing something which was the absolute contrary to what he wanted to be doing. It was weak and every time he caught himself talking the talk he felt more and more like a fake. Having met Saffron it was so refreshing to see a normal, enjoyable side of life away from the power lunches, the endless Thomas pink shirts and Tie rack ties bought more out of boredom than necessity. He hadn't really managed to put his finger on what he wanted to do until now, but he had certainly been coming to the conclusion that it had nothing to do with the lives these guys were living. Not that there was anything wrong with their lives. But it wasn't the life that he wanted and Saffron had helped him to understand that more clearly. She had shown him without telling him.
‘Here you are’ Saffron said placing a dangerously overfilled coffee in front of him.
‘Can I have a little more’ Toby said smiling.
‘Quiet you. Now shut up and drink your coffee like a good boy.’
‘Listen. I'll move in with you so long as you do my washing and pack my lunch every day.’
‘Ha smartass, I’m the one who will be paying rent. I think you've got that around the wrong way.’
‘Fine, we both do our own washing and you make my lunch, but you realise this means I’ll have to give up my closet in Shepherds Bush. No more nights in an oversized single bed. No more strange smell.’
‘They'll be hard to give up’ Saffron said wiping an imaginary tear away from her eye.
‘No more kebab king!’ Toby said protesting further.
‘When you put it that way perhaps you should stay a paralegal. The smell and the bed I can manage without but kebab king is a different story altogether.’
‘ I’ll have to give a month's notice at work, and probably about the same for my room. Do you think you can survive until then.’
‘I’m sure I’ll cope. Shit what about Selia, I’d completely forgotten.’
‘God so had I. But I suppose it actually makes things a lot simpler for me. If I know I’m leaving Parkers then I won't be so nervous when it comes to helping her. If I get caught or fired it won't really make too much difference. ( may not be relevant any more)

‘Shit I’ve got to go’, Saffron said looking at her watch before swirling back the remainder of her coffee and kissing Toby on the lips. ‘Be a good boy and clean up this mess before you leave!’