Toby I’m sorry I’m late I was stuck on a bloody conference call and there was one of those people who can’t let the call end. Always one last bloody thing.
Charles thanks so much for coming. I feel so bad putting all this on you but the truth is I felt like we had noone else to ask.
Don’t worry about all that Toby. Now first things first and then we can get on to this horrible legal business. How would you like a job?
Toby looked as confused as he felt. ‘I’m not really doing the law anymore Charles, I mean that was the whole point of throwing away the paralegal career to make coffee if you remember.’
‘No no that’s not what I meant. Sorry, I´m rushing a little aren’t I. Where’s that damned waiter when you need him. No I was out with some friends on the weekend Toby and I hope you don’t mind but I got chatting about your and Selia’s situation. I didn’t name names of course and the person I was speaking with was a very dear friend so it won’t go anywhere I promise you.’
‘No that’s perfectly fine Charles.’
‘Anyway I was chatting to Richard, who is my friend about your situation. I still think it’s remarkable what you did Toby, chucking in the job and rushing off to become a writer.’
Toby breathed deeply and took a sip from his pint. ‘The thing is Charles, if you don’t mind me saying you’ve caught me in rather a bad patch about all that. The truth is I’ve been fairly low the past couple of weeks and I sometimes wonder if I´ve made some bloody huge mistake.’
‘How so?’
‘I just seem to have lost my momentum. I don’t want to waste your time complaining though Charles. I’m taking up enough of your time with this bloody situation of Selia’s.
‘Waste away Toby. I would like to think that we have become friends through all this haven’t we? I haven’t tried making any moves in recent weeks have I?’ Charles asked with a cheeky grin.
‘No you’ve been very well behaved thank you Charles. The problem is that when I decided to leave the job it was exciting and there was momentum which swept me along. I had just met Saffron and started working in the café and writing in the afternoons and that was exciting. I really believed that having no money and doing exactly what I wanted or should be doing was more important.’
‘Well isn’t it?’ Charles asked like a well trained listener.
‘I guess objectively it is but you know, I look at a guy like you and you have the security and the income and while what I’m doing probably seems romantic or idyllic it really is bloody hard. I seem to become really worried the last few weeks and I just can’t seem to shake it. In away this business with Selia has been as much for distraction as anything else but I’m just quite worried as to whether I have made the right decision. And I don’t want to dump this on Saffron who’s been great. Oh woe is me’ Toby said laughing.
‘Those are perfectly natural feelings Toby and I can’t pretend to know exactly how you feel regarding money and security because in a way I’ve always had that. I came straight into this job and have been pretty stable ever since. But on the other hand I look at someone like you and feel like a fool trapped in a system which is too cushy to give up and in which I know I will stay shamelessly until the day I retire.
‘Isn’t life fun’
‘Well it might just be a little more fun for you Toby if you would stop interrupting me with your miserable tale. Getting back to my friend Richard, what I didn’t mention to you when I saw you last time, mainly because I didn’t want to get your hopes up was that Richard is an editor. He’s a very successful editor actually and I was discussing your situation and telling him all about your throwing in the towel in the law and taking up coffee making.
‘Anyway Tobe he told me he receives hundreds of applications from exactly the same sort of people who have slipped off the end of the Oxbridge conveyer belt and he said if you would be interested he would like to meet you in person. He said he was hugely impressed by your ambition and courage in throwing away your career like that. Now I don’t know the details of the job or what you would do but, and I’m sure you won’t mind Toby, but I told him I knew you would be interested and so I have arranged for you to meet him for lunch next Thursday.
Toby sat paralysed and said nothing for a moment. He gave Charles a look of ‘are you serious’ before taking a sip from his pint to steady his nerves. He couldn’t believe it. He was too nervous to imagine that he might possibly get the job.
A blue folder slapped the bar in front of him which brought his attention back to the present.
‘Now Toby, while you let that mull over in that sweet little head of yours, I have had a good look through this file over the past couple of weeks and I’m afraid you’re friend Selia is absolutely right. This is a very serious fraud. All I can suggest at this stage is that she call in sick on Monday and come and see me at the office. I will see what we can arrange.
Toby felt stunned. He didn’t quite know what to say and his mind slipped between the file in front of him and the meeting on Thursday. Charles was grinning broadly. ‘I believe the next round is yours Toby.’
Monday, 27 August 2007
Chapter 29
‘Are you sure you’re still happy to do this Toby’ Selia said as they paused near the entrance office. Dressed in a suit with a file under his arm she hoped that it would be enough to get past the night security but a little smile from her was usually enough.
‘Of course. Come on lets do it.’ Toby smiled at Selia reassuringly. She was right in a way. He would never have contemplated helping her before but when Saffron had explained a little more about her past and the pressure she had lived under virtually since inception he had started to feel sorry for her.
Selia hesitated for a second and then they walked confidently into the lobby.
‘Late night shift eh’ Selia said leaning forward on the reception desk and beaming at the security guard who sat up from his newspaper. Toby couldn’t help noticing how low cut her shirt was, unbuttoned to the third button especially for the occasion. It seemed to be having the desired effect. Fortunately the security guard wasn’t one Toby remembered from his days in the office. ‘This is my boyfriend’ Selia said rapping an arm inside Toby’s. ‘I’ve left my house keys on my desk so I’m just going to pop up. You don’t mind if I show him my fancy office do you?’
Safely past Toby was impressed. For a girl whose life was hanging by such tender threads she was very natural at playing to her assets. ‘Well done.’ Toby said as the elevator door closed in front of them.
As the elevator doors opened Selia breathed deeply and swiping her card through the glass door which separated the sixth floor lobby from the offices directed Toby into the coffee room as they had planned. ‘I’ll be right back.’
Toby rested his back against the window which looked down on the dark street below and rested his eyes on the pot of crystallised instant coffee. He had spent so many hours two floors below taking refuge in the very same room. The design was the same throughout the building. At the time he had seen no way out. No way out and no way up. The paralysis of being a paralegal who made enough money to need to keep working but not enough to live properly. And then unexpectedly he had met Saffron..
It spooked him to think about it really. Within the space of less than six months his life had utterly changed. None of it he had planned. He had literally stumbled across the woman he loved, quit his job and now, thanks to a chance meeting with Charles and Andy’s loose bladder he was actually working in exactly the profession he wanted to be. Being back in the coffee room brought it all back to Toby. He shivered just thinking about what might have happened if he hadn’t accepted the drink with Dave. Dave the paralegal who was still Dave the paralegal.
A shadow appeared at the door which startled Toby who was still gazing at the coffee pot in front of him. ‘We’re alone’ Selia said calmly, holding her high heals in her hand. ‘Let’s get this over with.’
Selia closed the door softly behind them and Toby hovered nervously around the large, ostentatious desk which was the centre piece of the room. Behind the desk, a floor to ceiling window looked out over east London as the city crept ever further out.
‘He keeps his personal files in here’ Selia said sliding one of the tall aluminium doors back to reveal three rows of orange folders. ‘This may take a while. Sorry.’
‘Don’t worry take your time’, Toby said taking one from Selia and resting on the floor behind the desk and flicking on the small torch he had brought for the occasion. ‘Is there anything in particular I should be looking out for or shall I just flick through the pages’, Toby grinned.
‘Shit sorry, I’m just so bloody nervous’, Selia whispered, kneeling down on the floor beside Toby. ‘Anything which mentions The Heaton fund. Be a good boy and chronologise those for me too will you. Toby smiled at Selia but the light mood was suddenly broken by the noise of the glass doors sliding open on the other side of the hall near the elevators. Selia’s reaction was instantaneous as she leapt up, taking the file in Toby’s hand with her and slipped it back in the cabinet before slowly closing the cabinet and ducking back behind the desk with Toby.
There was just enough room for them both to crawl under which they did as they heard footsteps coming closer to the office. Selia bit her lip as she heard the door latch push down and recognised the unmistakeable baritone of Stevens voice. Selia covered her mouth with her hand though there was no risk that she would say anything.
Toby looked as scared as she was but their thoughts were distracted by the sound of a female voice as the lights flicked violently on.
‘Come here, Selia heard Steven saying in the same voice she had heard him use so many time when he wanted something.
‘No, come on lets get out of here’, a voice which Selia didn’t recognise responded. Toby looked across at Selia but she had her eyes shut. He knew how painful this must be.
Suddenly the desk moved slightly above them. Steven was sitting on the edge of the desk, a few centimetres away from where the pair was hiding.
‘Come on, come here and give me a kiss. No ones going to find out. Besides I’m a partner.
For a moment there were no more voices. Toby could recognise the sound of Steven and whoever was his latest kissing above them. He reached out under the desk and took Selia by the hand. Bastard he thought.
‘I want to fuck you on my desk’ Steven said and Toby saw Selia shaking. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. Toby wanted to stand up and do something or say something to end her pain but he knew he couldn’t. They just had to wait.
‘No not here, let’s go back to your place.’
‘I told you. I can’t tonight. I have to be at home. Clare made a fuss this morning and I promised.’
‘You told me that was over’, the voice replied.
Selia looked at Toby. The jealousy was beginning to fade. In a way she felt sorry for whoever it was who had fallen into Steven’s trap after her. It wasn’t her fault. In a way, hearing the conversation taking place like this reminded her that it wasn’t her fault either. The conversation above them became more heated and Toby was relieved that he and Selia wouldn’t have to sit through the consummation of Steven’s latest romance on the desk above them.
After another minute the light went out and the door closed shut behind them as the voices drifted down the hall.
‘Are you ok’, Toby asked, not sure what else to say.
‘I’m wonderful’, Selia grinned, wiping a tear away from her cheek and forcing a smile to her face. ‘Let’s find that file and get out of here ok.’
‘Of course. Come on lets do it.’ Toby smiled at Selia reassuringly. She was right in a way. He would never have contemplated helping her before but when Saffron had explained a little more about her past and the pressure she had lived under virtually since inception he had started to feel sorry for her.
Selia hesitated for a second and then they walked confidently into the lobby.
‘Late night shift eh’ Selia said leaning forward on the reception desk and beaming at the security guard who sat up from his newspaper. Toby couldn’t help noticing how low cut her shirt was, unbuttoned to the third button especially for the occasion. It seemed to be having the desired effect. Fortunately the security guard wasn’t one Toby remembered from his days in the office. ‘This is my boyfriend’ Selia said rapping an arm inside Toby’s. ‘I’ve left my house keys on my desk so I’m just going to pop up. You don’t mind if I show him my fancy office do you?’
Safely past Toby was impressed. For a girl whose life was hanging by such tender threads she was very natural at playing to her assets. ‘Well done.’ Toby said as the elevator door closed in front of them.
As the elevator doors opened Selia breathed deeply and swiping her card through the glass door which separated the sixth floor lobby from the offices directed Toby into the coffee room as they had planned. ‘I’ll be right back.’
Toby rested his back against the window which looked down on the dark street below and rested his eyes on the pot of crystallised instant coffee. He had spent so many hours two floors below taking refuge in the very same room. The design was the same throughout the building. At the time he had seen no way out. No way out and no way up. The paralysis of being a paralegal who made enough money to need to keep working but not enough to live properly. And then unexpectedly he had met Saffron..
It spooked him to think about it really. Within the space of less than six months his life had utterly changed. None of it he had planned. He had literally stumbled across the woman he loved, quit his job and now, thanks to a chance meeting with Charles and Andy’s loose bladder he was actually working in exactly the profession he wanted to be. Being back in the coffee room brought it all back to Toby. He shivered just thinking about what might have happened if he hadn’t accepted the drink with Dave. Dave the paralegal who was still Dave the paralegal.
A shadow appeared at the door which startled Toby who was still gazing at the coffee pot in front of him. ‘We’re alone’ Selia said calmly, holding her high heals in her hand. ‘Let’s get this over with.’
Selia closed the door softly behind them and Toby hovered nervously around the large, ostentatious desk which was the centre piece of the room. Behind the desk, a floor to ceiling window looked out over east London as the city crept ever further out.
‘He keeps his personal files in here’ Selia said sliding one of the tall aluminium doors back to reveal three rows of orange folders. ‘This may take a while. Sorry.’
‘Don’t worry take your time’, Toby said taking one from Selia and resting on the floor behind the desk and flicking on the small torch he had brought for the occasion. ‘Is there anything in particular I should be looking out for or shall I just flick through the pages’, Toby grinned.
‘Shit sorry, I’m just so bloody nervous’, Selia whispered, kneeling down on the floor beside Toby. ‘Anything which mentions The Heaton fund. Be a good boy and chronologise those for me too will you. Toby smiled at Selia but the light mood was suddenly broken by the noise of the glass doors sliding open on the other side of the hall near the elevators. Selia’s reaction was instantaneous as she leapt up, taking the file in Toby’s hand with her and slipped it back in the cabinet before slowly closing the cabinet and ducking back behind the desk with Toby.
There was just enough room for them both to crawl under which they did as they heard footsteps coming closer to the office. Selia bit her lip as she heard the door latch push down and recognised the unmistakeable baritone of Stevens voice. Selia covered her mouth with her hand though there was no risk that she would say anything.
Toby looked as scared as she was but their thoughts were distracted by the sound of a female voice as the lights flicked violently on.
‘Come here, Selia heard Steven saying in the same voice she had heard him use so many time when he wanted something.
‘No, come on lets get out of here’, a voice which Selia didn’t recognise responded. Toby looked across at Selia but she had her eyes shut. He knew how painful this must be.
Suddenly the desk moved slightly above them. Steven was sitting on the edge of the desk, a few centimetres away from where the pair was hiding.
‘Come on, come here and give me a kiss. No ones going to find out. Besides I’m a partner.
For a moment there were no more voices. Toby could recognise the sound of Steven and whoever was his latest kissing above them. He reached out under the desk and took Selia by the hand. Bastard he thought.
‘I want to fuck you on my desk’ Steven said and Toby saw Selia shaking. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. Toby wanted to stand up and do something or say something to end her pain but he knew he couldn’t. They just had to wait.
‘No not here, let’s go back to your place.’
‘I told you. I can’t tonight. I have to be at home. Clare made a fuss this morning and I promised.’
‘You told me that was over’, the voice replied.
Selia looked at Toby. The jealousy was beginning to fade. In a way she felt sorry for whoever it was who had fallen into Steven’s trap after her. It wasn’t her fault. In a way, hearing the conversation taking place like this reminded her that it wasn’t her fault either. The conversation above them became more heated and Toby was relieved that he and Selia wouldn’t have to sit through the consummation of Steven’s latest romance on the desk above them.
After another minute the light went out and the door closed shut behind them as the voices drifted down the hall.
‘Are you ok’, Toby asked, not sure what else to say.
‘I’m wonderful’, Selia grinned, wiping a tear away from her cheek and forcing a smile to her face. ‘Let’s find that file and get out of here ok.’
Chapter 28
Jimmy this is Alex, Alex Jimmy; he owns the bar and was kind enough to sponsor a struggling artist.
Hello my dear, don’t listen to this modest boy he’s a genius, how do you do.
Very well thank you, Alex said nervously.
Look you don’t have a drink, that wont do, there are dozens of extraordinarily dull people here my dear, let me get you some bubbles, you’ll need them.
That would be lovely thanks.
As Jimmy drifted across the bar Alex moved slightly closer to Andy, holding the back of his coat jacket like a nervous child and then, realising what she was doing, let go again. ‘God I feel so bloody nervous in these places, did you see that reply, that would be lovely thanks. God.’
‘Look you have nothing to be nervous about. These are just a bunch of struggling artists and industry wankers you know, it’s not a huge deal, just do what I generally do, have a quick couple of glasses of ‘bubbles’ and you’ll feel a hell of a lot better.’
Yeah I know Andy, and I’m not being miserable or anything, I work in a god damn café delivering coffees all day, I don’t even make them. It’s not exactly an inspiring conversation piece is it? Sorry, it’s not important.
Look, you look gorgeous; you’re cleaver your witty and you just happen to be in a transitional phase where you’re trying to figure out what the hell it is that you want to do. You know you’re probably in the perfect room. Most artists spend the majority of their time trying to embellish the fact that they are spending day and night creating works which no one appreciates. I’m sure you won’t have any problems here at all. And besides you’re shagging the artist.
Yes I suppose that does make it all worth while Alex said grinning, running her hand along Andy’s forearm.
‘Here we are then’, Jimmy said returning laden with three tall glasses. Jimmy didn’t look like an art buyer or a bar owner for that matter. He was short, or at least by the standards of most men Alex had met and had a whispy grey ginger beard which helped to compensate for his lack of hair on top. He was also dressed far more conservatively than Alex would have imagined. There was none of the pretentious trying to look like I just threw it on but in fact spent hours getting ready look about Jimmy. Instead he was wearing a simple pair of off white chords, a blue checked shirt over which lay a slightly ruffled brown jacket. His shoes couldn’t be described as anything other than ordinary. He was also an age which was difficult to pinpoint. He could have been in the last clutches of thirty or the onset of fifty. It was really very hard to tell.
Thanks Jimmy, Andy said relieving Jimmy of a couple of glasses and passing one to Saffron who gripped on to it for dear life. ‘So listen, who should I be speaking with? Presumably you want me to do the rounds.’
I know its tedious darling but see that rather tall chap standing over there in the corner with the woman with the ten foot tall hair. He is a private collector with loads of cash and is very keen to speak to you. I had a chat to him earlier and he’s very impressed so perhaps you should pop over and introduce yourself and try to explain your piece if indeed it’s not just a great big load of bollocks. Jimmy roared with laughter, winking at Alex and taking her by the elbow. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of this one, now off you go.’
‘So Alex you look nervous my dear, what’s wrong.’
‘Is it that obvious?’
‘Only to me, don’t worry, I’m very perceptive, but listen don’t be nervous, I can barely stand anyone in this room myself, Andy excepted of course, but you know, there is so much bullshit in this industry, so many people overanalysing even the smallest piece of dog shit when in the end that’s all it is, a small pile of steaming dog shit, nothing more, nothing less.’
Alex laughed abruptly and took another sip from her glass. ‘Yeah, Andy said the same thing. I don’t know Jimmy; I just can’t relax in these situations.
‘In gods name why ever not, you’re young, there’s free champagne, what else do you need?’
Can I be honest with you?’
‘I insist darling.’
‘Well at the moment I’m doing nothing I’m particularly proud of, apart from seeing Andy you know well obviously that but, shit how I put this. Up until about three months ago I was engaged to be married to this guy who didn’t let me do anything or go anywhere without him and he had no interest in going out so in the end we never did anything.’
‘God he sounds dreadful.’
‘I suppose he wasn’t completely dreadful, but he certainly wasn’t marriage material that’s for sure. Fortunately I met Andy and realised that there is actually a life out there and you know, now we’re together I’m really feeling much happier, but the truth is Jimmy I’m working in a café at the moment trying to figure out what the hell to do next and its just one of those conversations I can’t bear, the oh so what do you do.’
‘There’s no shame in not knowing what your want to do my dear. It sounds terribly clichéd but I suppose its clichéd because it’s true but we have all been there. You must look at this as an exciting phase. You have the chance to start fresh. You’ve ditched that dullard who was suffocating you and now the world is all before you. You need to look at this at the beginning and not as if you are wavering somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The real question you must ask yourself my dear is what do you want to do? And I’m not asking you what you think you should do, or what would be a sensible thing to do but what do you want to do. Here, give me that glass, I’ll go and fill these up and be back in a couple of seconds. You’d better have an answer for me by then.’ Jimmy gave Alex a cheeky smile and patted her on the arm before gliding away. Jimmy glided rather than walked. It could have been his height or stature or a combination of both but he gave the impression of moving forward almost car like, without the usual up and down bobbing associated with walking. Alex watched Jimmy standing at the bar, flirting with the barman who was half his age. He was so natural, so straight up and down. No bullshit. Alex felt utterly comfortable talking to Jimmy despite the fact she had known him for practically six seconds. She looked across the room at Andy who was standing patiently, his back to one of his projections discussing the concepts with the man with the money. A moment later Andy looked back across at Alex and raised his eyebrows curiously as if to ask ‘is everything ok’ to which Alex grinned in the affirmative, letting him drift back into his conversation.
‘Isn’t he gorgeous’ Jimmy said, waltzing silently up behind Alex, here you are my dear, absolutely gorgeous that one, possibly a little young wouldn’t you say, but then again, life is for the enjoying.’
‘Behave yourself Jimmy’, Alex said with new found confidence ‘we’re trying to sort my life out thank you very much.’
‘Indeed we are, besides, I never sleep with the staff, or only very rarely.’ Jimmy burst into laughter again. His laugh was sudden and explosive, almost sneeze like and tended to make less prepared bystanders jump.
‘So where were we, oh yes, your dreams and desires my dear. What have you come up with.’
‘This is trickier than you would think Jimmy’
‘Of course it is. It’s something that most people never ask themselves. Most people never let themselves simply asks themselves, devoid of all external factors, what is it that they would do if they had all the money they could ever need and could make a decision purely based on what they wanted to do. You certainly wouldn’t find many people raising their hand to lawyer or accountant now would you. ‘I’d love to work a sixty hour week and never see my wife’. It just doesn’t make sense.
‘You’re right really. I think the last time I really thought seriously about what I want to do and not what I need to do or should do was when I was about six years old.’
‘Precisely! So what you must do is pretend that you are six again and eliminate all of the pressures and expectations and needs and think to yourself, what I want to do. Really want to do. You know Alex this is a wonderful opportunity for you. New relationship, a job which is simply to pay the bills, no tiring bore of a boyfriend holding you back.
‘It’s funny really, it’s actually quite exciting when you think about it, but it’s very difficult to let your mind run. We are all so conditioned to check every impulse by asking ourselves, is it sensible, how much will I make, will I be able to afford a mortgage, you know all of the things which eventually end up diluting your passion or dream down to some sort of light orange cordial.’
‘Only I could have put it better!’ Jimmy roared with a huge grin. ‘So with out any further ado let me have it my dear.’
‘I love paintings Jimmy.’
‘That’s a wonderful start. But you’ll have to be more specific with me my dear.’
‘Well I think you are best to match your desires a little with your natural talents or skills or that kind of thing don’t you?’
‘To a point my dear. Certainly the tone deaf should temper their desire to sing but in many cases, people tend to have preconceived ideas about what they are and are not good at which are very rarely based upon anything other than a real lack of self belief. You know my dear like all those tiring bores who continually proclaim they are no good at languages because they failed a French exam when they were eleven years old.’
‘Yes I suppose you’re right but surely it’s also important to be aware of where you have some natural abilities don’t you think?’
‘Undoubtedly.’
‘Well I have quite a detailed and precise mind Jimmy, you know with names, dates all that kind of thing. It’s interesting, Andy is all over the place, you know I think he’s sort of scatter brain and has a billion things going on in his mind at once and he sort of gets things done in his own way.’
‘A very keen observation my dear, but it certainly works for him wouldn’t you say?’
‘Absolutely, and in fact I probably couldn’t bare being with someone who was as precise me, it’s so much nicer to have to different types of brains in a relationship. I think we all seek something a bit different from ourselves.’
‘Very important that, otherwise you wake up one day and think to yourself, hold a second now, I know all this, nothing here is new, I’m bored to hell, and you run off with a young chap from behind the bar!’
‘Behave yourself Jimmy’ Alex said laughing.
‘My apologies my dear, I am a weak old fool now do go on.’
‘Well I really enjoyed the Art History I studied at school, especially Renaissance painting but I don’t know what happened. I guess more sensible options came along and art fell by the way side.’
‘And that happens to almost everyone my dear.’
‘God, I feel embarrassed speaking about Art Jimmy. I have absolutely no pedigree and here I am standing in a room full of artists and…’
‘Stop right there. What you need to realise now is that this pedigree you are talking about is simply a block, another reason like something not being sensible, or you don’t have time or one of a million other excuses why you shouldn’t do something. I didn’t ask you to tell me what you want to do and what you are qualified to do. I asked you to tell me what you want to do.
‘Ok. I’d like to learn how to restore paintings Jimmy.’ Feeling exposed and embarrassed Alex dropped her gaze.’
‘Bravo my dear! Call me a wild old fool but that deserves another drink wouldn’t you say.’
‘Sure but please let me get this one, I feel very bad you paying for everything like this’
‘Nonsense! Besides it’s my party and you’re a delight keeping me company and away from all of these bores. Same again?’
‘Thanks that would be wonderful.’
‘I shall be right back, now don’t you go anywhere.’
Alex stood alone, relaxed by the wine, and looked around the bar, her eyes once again resting on Andy. Andy. All this had happened because of a decision to take a dead end job making coffees. Everything springing from that one decision to work in that one place. And now she had Andy, the unassuming star of the party, hand in pocket, tall, relaxed, completely at ease discussing his work, not pretentious or shy. He had the enviable attitude which said, if you like my work that’s great and I’d love to tell you about it but if not then no problem; nice to meet you regardless. James had been the opposite. Talented but all vibrado. He had been deeply insecure for some reason or other. His embarrassment about her not knowing what she was doing, or insistence that she dress like the girls at work with their tiring smart conservative lines had to be born out insecurity. Either that or he was just dull. Andy had the kind of attitude which said I love you, do what you want, I’m sure you’ll be great at what you do when you figure it out, now let’s go and have some fun.
‘You young lady are smitten are you not?’ Jimmy said producing another glass teaming with bubbles.
‘Is it really that obvious? Perhaps I should be a little more coy’ Alex grinned and then tried, rather unnecessarily to force it from her face.
‘Not for one minute. The world is full of unrequited bores who shackle their emotions like a team of pack hounds. I say out with it my dear out with it. And he’s an extremely talented and attractive boy, not my type of course but might I say that you two look marvellous together.’
Alex grinned coyly again, unsure of quite what to say but was cut off once again before she had to.
‘Now Alex as I was standing at the bar there I believe I may have stumbled upon a small contact who it may be worth our talking to. It occurred to me that about three months ago I was at some fiercely tedious charity event auction thingy all in the name of small underprivileged people of some description and while I was crouched in a corner trying to avoid the masses I ended up striking up conversation with a like minded fellow who was hovering about like a fly which refuses to settle. He was actually a lovely chap, and the reason I mention it my dear is that he works for a reasonably well known gallery on the south bank putting shows together. I have his card lurking around the office at home somewhere so if you like I could fish it out and give him a call and perhaps you and I could pay him a visit some time next week. I don’t know if he knows anything about restoration or conservation or what ever the correct term is but it’s certainly narrowing the field wouldn’t you say? At the very least it might give you a window into the industry. You can see if it really is something you might like to pursue.’
‘God Jimmy are you sure, I mean that would be absolutely wonderful, but are you sure you would have time?’
‘It would be my pleasure. When are you free, do you have an afternoon off next week some time perhaps?’
‘I don’t work Thursdays so you’re free then and it worked out with your friend that would be wonderful. The only thing is that I don’t know very much about the field, just that I want to do it.’
‘That’s more than enough in my books my dear. I’ll call him tomorrow and try to jack up a meeting and in the mean time you should start doing a little research around the area. Don’t get too worried, everyone has to begin somewhere and if you have an interest or passion for learning it’s a wonderful beginning.’
‘God I really don’t know what to say. Thank you. I’m really very grateful.’
‘Enough of all that nonsense, it will be a pleasure to spend an afternoon in the galleries in some civilised company. Now I think it’s probably time for you to rescue that boyfriend of yours. I’ve noticed his face is starting to swell from all that smiling.’
Hello my dear, don’t listen to this modest boy he’s a genius, how do you do.
Very well thank you, Alex said nervously.
Look you don’t have a drink, that wont do, there are dozens of extraordinarily dull people here my dear, let me get you some bubbles, you’ll need them.
That would be lovely thanks.
As Jimmy drifted across the bar Alex moved slightly closer to Andy, holding the back of his coat jacket like a nervous child and then, realising what she was doing, let go again. ‘God I feel so bloody nervous in these places, did you see that reply, that would be lovely thanks. God.’
‘Look you have nothing to be nervous about. These are just a bunch of struggling artists and industry wankers you know, it’s not a huge deal, just do what I generally do, have a quick couple of glasses of ‘bubbles’ and you’ll feel a hell of a lot better.’
Yeah I know Andy, and I’m not being miserable or anything, I work in a god damn café delivering coffees all day, I don’t even make them. It’s not exactly an inspiring conversation piece is it? Sorry, it’s not important.
Look, you look gorgeous; you’re cleaver your witty and you just happen to be in a transitional phase where you’re trying to figure out what the hell it is that you want to do. You know you’re probably in the perfect room. Most artists spend the majority of their time trying to embellish the fact that they are spending day and night creating works which no one appreciates. I’m sure you won’t have any problems here at all. And besides you’re shagging the artist.
Yes I suppose that does make it all worth while Alex said grinning, running her hand along Andy’s forearm.
‘Here we are then’, Jimmy said returning laden with three tall glasses. Jimmy didn’t look like an art buyer or a bar owner for that matter. He was short, or at least by the standards of most men Alex had met and had a whispy grey ginger beard which helped to compensate for his lack of hair on top. He was also dressed far more conservatively than Alex would have imagined. There was none of the pretentious trying to look like I just threw it on but in fact spent hours getting ready look about Jimmy. Instead he was wearing a simple pair of off white chords, a blue checked shirt over which lay a slightly ruffled brown jacket. His shoes couldn’t be described as anything other than ordinary. He was also an age which was difficult to pinpoint. He could have been in the last clutches of thirty or the onset of fifty. It was really very hard to tell.
Thanks Jimmy, Andy said relieving Jimmy of a couple of glasses and passing one to Saffron who gripped on to it for dear life. ‘So listen, who should I be speaking with? Presumably you want me to do the rounds.’
I know its tedious darling but see that rather tall chap standing over there in the corner with the woman with the ten foot tall hair. He is a private collector with loads of cash and is very keen to speak to you. I had a chat to him earlier and he’s very impressed so perhaps you should pop over and introduce yourself and try to explain your piece if indeed it’s not just a great big load of bollocks. Jimmy roared with laughter, winking at Alex and taking her by the elbow. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of this one, now off you go.’
‘So Alex you look nervous my dear, what’s wrong.’
‘Is it that obvious?’
‘Only to me, don’t worry, I’m very perceptive, but listen don’t be nervous, I can barely stand anyone in this room myself, Andy excepted of course, but you know, there is so much bullshit in this industry, so many people overanalysing even the smallest piece of dog shit when in the end that’s all it is, a small pile of steaming dog shit, nothing more, nothing less.’
Alex laughed abruptly and took another sip from her glass. ‘Yeah, Andy said the same thing. I don’t know Jimmy; I just can’t relax in these situations.
‘In gods name why ever not, you’re young, there’s free champagne, what else do you need?’
Can I be honest with you?’
‘I insist darling.’
‘Well at the moment I’m doing nothing I’m particularly proud of, apart from seeing Andy you know well obviously that but, shit how I put this. Up until about three months ago I was engaged to be married to this guy who didn’t let me do anything or go anywhere without him and he had no interest in going out so in the end we never did anything.’
‘God he sounds dreadful.’
‘I suppose he wasn’t completely dreadful, but he certainly wasn’t marriage material that’s for sure. Fortunately I met Andy and realised that there is actually a life out there and you know, now we’re together I’m really feeling much happier, but the truth is Jimmy I’m working in a café at the moment trying to figure out what the hell to do next and its just one of those conversations I can’t bear, the oh so what do you do.’
‘There’s no shame in not knowing what your want to do my dear. It sounds terribly clichéd but I suppose its clichéd because it’s true but we have all been there. You must look at this as an exciting phase. You have the chance to start fresh. You’ve ditched that dullard who was suffocating you and now the world is all before you. You need to look at this at the beginning and not as if you are wavering somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The real question you must ask yourself my dear is what do you want to do? And I’m not asking you what you think you should do, or what would be a sensible thing to do but what do you want to do. Here, give me that glass, I’ll go and fill these up and be back in a couple of seconds. You’d better have an answer for me by then.’ Jimmy gave Alex a cheeky smile and patted her on the arm before gliding away. Jimmy glided rather than walked. It could have been his height or stature or a combination of both but he gave the impression of moving forward almost car like, without the usual up and down bobbing associated with walking. Alex watched Jimmy standing at the bar, flirting with the barman who was half his age. He was so natural, so straight up and down. No bullshit. Alex felt utterly comfortable talking to Jimmy despite the fact she had known him for practically six seconds. She looked across the room at Andy who was standing patiently, his back to one of his projections discussing the concepts with the man with the money. A moment later Andy looked back across at Alex and raised his eyebrows curiously as if to ask ‘is everything ok’ to which Alex grinned in the affirmative, letting him drift back into his conversation.
‘Isn’t he gorgeous’ Jimmy said, waltzing silently up behind Alex, here you are my dear, absolutely gorgeous that one, possibly a little young wouldn’t you say, but then again, life is for the enjoying.’
‘Behave yourself Jimmy’, Alex said with new found confidence ‘we’re trying to sort my life out thank you very much.’
‘Indeed we are, besides, I never sleep with the staff, or only very rarely.’ Jimmy burst into laughter again. His laugh was sudden and explosive, almost sneeze like and tended to make less prepared bystanders jump.
‘So where were we, oh yes, your dreams and desires my dear. What have you come up with.’
‘This is trickier than you would think Jimmy’
‘Of course it is. It’s something that most people never ask themselves. Most people never let themselves simply asks themselves, devoid of all external factors, what is it that they would do if they had all the money they could ever need and could make a decision purely based on what they wanted to do. You certainly wouldn’t find many people raising their hand to lawyer or accountant now would you. ‘I’d love to work a sixty hour week and never see my wife’. It just doesn’t make sense.
‘You’re right really. I think the last time I really thought seriously about what I want to do and not what I need to do or should do was when I was about six years old.’
‘Precisely! So what you must do is pretend that you are six again and eliminate all of the pressures and expectations and needs and think to yourself, what I want to do. Really want to do. You know Alex this is a wonderful opportunity for you. New relationship, a job which is simply to pay the bills, no tiring bore of a boyfriend holding you back.
‘It’s funny really, it’s actually quite exciting when you think about it, but it’s very difficult to let your mind run. We are all so conditioned to check every impulse by asking ourselves, is it sensible, how much will I make, will I be able to afford a mortgage, you know all of the things which eventually end up diluting your passion or dream down to some sort of light orange cordial.’
‘Only I could have put it better!’ Jimmy roared with a huge grin. ‘So with out any further ado let me have it my dear.’
‘I love paintings Jimmy.’
‘That’s a wonderful start. But you’ll have to be more specific with me my dear.’
‘Well I think you are best to match your desires a little with your natural talents or skills or that kind of thing don’t you?’
‘To a point my dear. Certainly the tone deaf should temper their desire to sing but in many cases, people tend to have preconceived ideas about what they are and are not good at which are very rarely based upon anything other than a real lack of self belief. You know my dear like all those tiring bores who continually proclaim they are no good at languages because they failed a French exam when they were eleven years old.’
‘Yes I suppose you’re right but surely it’s also important to be aware of where you have some natural abilities don’t you think?’
‘Undoubtedly.’
‘Well I have quite a detailed and precise mind Jimmy, you know with names, dates all that kind of thing. It’s interesting, Andy is all over the place, you know I think he’s sort of scatter brain and has a billion things going on in his mind at once and he sort of gets things done in his own way.’
‘A very keen observation my dear, but it certainly works for him wouldn’t you say?’
‘Absolutely, and in fact I probably couldn’t bare being with someone who was as precise me, it’s so much nicer to have to different types of brains in a relationship. I think we all seek something a bit different from ourselves.’
‘Very important that, otherwise you wake up one day and think to yourself, hold a second now, I know all this, nothing here is new, I’m bored to hell, and you run off with a young chap from behind the bar!’
‘Behave yourself Jimmy’ Alex said laughing.
‘My apologies my dear, I am a weak old fool now do go on.’
‘Well I really enjoyed the Art History I studied at school, especially Renaissance painting but I don’t know what happened. I guess more sensible options came along and art fell by the way side.’
‘And that happens to almost everyone my dear.’
‘God, I feel embarrassed speaking about Art Jimmy. I have absolutely no pedigree and here I am standing in a room full of artists and…’
‘Stop right there. What you need to realise now is that this pedigree you are talking about is simply a block, another reason like something not being sensible, or you don’t have time or one of a million other excuses why you shouldn’t do something. I didn’t ask you to tell me what you want to do and what you are qualified to do. I asked you to tell me what you want to do.
‘Ok. I’d like to learn how to restore paintings Jimmy.’ Feeling exposed and embarrassed Alex dropped her gaze.’
‘Bravo my dear! Call me a wild old fool but that deserves another drink wouldn’t you say.’
‘Sure but please let me get this one, I feel very bad you paying for everything like this’
‘Nonsense! Besides it’s my party and you’re a delight keeping me company and away from all of these bores. Same again?’
‘Thanks that would be wonderful.’
‘I shall be right back, now don’t you go anywhere.’
Alex stood alone, relaxed by the wine, and looked around the bar, her eyes once again resting on Andy. Andy. All this had happened because of a decision to take a dead end job making coffees. Everything springing from that one decision to work in that one place. And now she had Andy, the unassuming star of the party, hand in pocket, tall, relaxed, completely at ease discussing his work, not pretentious or shy. He had the enviable attitude which said, if you like my work that’s great and I’d love to tell you about it but if not then no problem; nice to meet you regardless. James had been the opposite. Talented but all vibrado. He had been deeply insecure for some reason or other. His embarrassment about her not knowing what she was doing, or insistence that she dress like the girls at work with their tiring smart conservative lines had to be born out insecurity. Either that or he was just dull. Andy had the kind of attitude which said I love you, do what you want, I’m sure you’ll be great at what you do when you figure it out, now let’s go and have some fun.
‘You young lady are smitten are you not?’ Jimmy said producing another glass teaming with bubbles.
‘Is it really that obvious? Perhaps I should be a little more coy’ Alex grinned and then tried, rather unnecessarily to force it from her face.
‘Not for one minute. The world is full of unrequited bores who shackle their emotions like a team of pack hounds. I say out with it my dear out with it. And he’s an extremely talented and attractive boy, not my type of course but might I say that you two look marvellous together.’
Alex grinned coyly again, unsure of quite what to say but was cut off once again before she had to.
‘Now Alex as I was standing at the bar there I believe I may have stumbled upon a small contact who it may be worth our talking to. It occurred to me that about three months ago I was at some fiercely tedious charity event auction thingy all in the name of small underprivileged people of some description and while I was crouched in a corner trying to avoid the masses I ended up striking up conversation with a like minded fellow who was hovering about like a fly which refuses to settle. He was actually a lovely chap, and the reason I mention it my dear is that he works for a reasonably well known gallery on the south bank putting shows together. I have his card lurking around the office at home somewhere so if you like I could fish it out and give him a call and perhaps you and I could pay him a visit some time next week. I don’t know if he knows anything about restoration or conservation or what ever the correct term is but it’s certainly narrowing the field wouldn’t you say? At the very least it might give you a window into the industry. You can see if it really is something you might like to pursue.’
‘God Jimmy are you sure, I mean that would be absolutely wonderful, but are you sure you would have time?’
‘It would be my pleasure. When are you free, do you have an afternoon off next week some time perhaps?’
‘I don’t work Thursdays so you’re free then and it worked out with your friend that would be wonderful. The only thing is that I don’t know very much about the field, just that I want to do it.’
‘That’s more than enough in my books my dear. I’ll call him tomorrow and try to jack up a meeting and in the mean time you should start doing a little research around the area. Don’t get too worried, everyone has to begin somewhere and if you have an interest or passion for learning it’s a wonderful beginning.’
‘God I really don’t know what to say. Thank you. I’m really very grateful.’
‘Enough of all that nonsense, it will be a pleasure to spend an afternoon in the galleries in some civilised company. Now I think it’s probably time for you to rescue that boyfriend of yours. I’ve noticed his face is starting to swell from all that smiling.’
Chapter 27
Saffron put the phone down.
‘What was all that about’, Toby asked, aware from the expression on Saffron’s face that something wasn’t quite right.
‘I don't know entirely. It was Selia. She was really upset she said she really needs to talk to me. ‘What was she doing calling you?’
‘Thanks a lot smart arse’
‘No, you know what I mean. You haven't seen her since school and then all of a sudden she sees you once and you’re her one point of call in a moment of crisis.’
Saffron thought for a moment but she knew Toby was right. It didn’t really make much sense. ‘Maybe she doesn't have anyone else. I remember when we were at school I was literally her only friend.’
‘But surely she can't have got to this stage all alone, surely she must have someone else’, Toby continued before realising his tone sounded more heartless than he had intended. ‘Anyway it doesn't matter, what did she say?’
‘Not too much really, she didn’t want to go into it on the phone but she’s going to come over now so it’s probably best if you make yourself scarce, if that’s all right. It shouldn’t be for too long.’
Toby had been practically living at Saffron’s the past couple of months. Not that there had been anything formal about it. He had started off telling himself that he would only spend a few nights a week with her but that hadn’t eventuated. His usual urge to get away and be on his own just wasn’t there the way it had been with his other girlfriend. It was easy being with Saffron.
‘Why don't you head out for a beer or something, grab a paper’, Saffron continued. ‘She's going to come around in about half an hour so if you can give us a couple of hours that would be great.’
Saffron could tell that Selia had been crying the moment she opened the door. The look of confusion that she might have pressed the wrong buzzer on Selia’s face turned to sudden relief. ‘Hi Saff, I’m so sorry for all this.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, what else are friends for’, Saffron said as sincerely as possible as she led Saffron down the hall and into the living room. She still had no idea what all this was about.
‘Sorry about the mess. I’d like to blame Toby but I’m partly to blame too I’m afraid.’
Saffron sat down opposite Selia. Her face looked softer than it had when they had met in the bar. .Free of makeup and in a pair of jeans she looked more like the girl Saffron had shared five years at school with then the uptight city girl. She looked tired and her eyes were swollen from the tears which had presumably been flowing intermittently all morning.
‘Thanks for letting me come round Saff’ Selia started after a few moments silence. Saffron sighed to herself in relief. She hadn’t known where to begin.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, you’re welcome any time.’
‘No really. God I know it must have been a surprise having me suddenly call you up out of the blue like this.’
‘Don’t worry about all that. But it was a real surprise seeing you again at that wine bar the other night. God it just makes you think how quickly time passes doesn’t it?’ Saffron decided that it was best to keep things as light as possible at this stage.
‘We didn't really get a chance to talk properly did we? I’d love to hear all about what you’ve been up to over the last few years. Big city Lawyer eh. I knew you’d be a success Seals.’
Saffron didn’t say anything. She appeared to be focused on restraining the emotions which were threatening to overflow at any moment.. Saffron’s confusion as to why Selia was sitting in front turned to genuine.
‘Hey ignore all that Seals. Saffron said moving from the armchair she had settled in and sat next to Selia on the sofa. ‘What’s happened? You seem so upset.’
‘I’m sorry about the other night Saff’, she started with a wobble. ‘I shouldn’t have just left without saying goodbye. I was having a really terrible night and I saw you and Toby and it was all too much for me. I mean don’t get me wrong. I was so pleased to see you again after all these years. But it was also a real shock. I just felt like. No it’s stupid.
‘Don’t be silly Seal, it’s not stupid.’
‘Well it’s just that you’re from my past Saffron. Apart from you and you’re friendship is, I’ve spent such a long time trying to forget about my past. I suppose seeing you again stirred up a lot of old memories and emotions.’
Saffron now knew exactly what Selia was talking about. In all the time she had known her, Selia had never specifically talked to Saffron like this but she had been able to piece enough from the little bits Selia had told her to know that her childhood had been scarred by the overbearing and social climbing aspirations of her father who was determined to make Selia everything he wasn’t. And from Saffron’s experience, Selia’s father Fred Sinclair-Brown wasn’t much. She had despised Selia’s father from the day she had met him. He used to stare at her in a way that a fourteen year old friends father shouldn’t. And he had ruined Selia’s childhood. All the way through St Hilda’s and presumably from the moment she had left the womb he had battered Selia with constant pressure and reminders that her type was not good enough and that she had to change and get ahead. The past for Selia had been an endless road of praiseless and forced achievement. No wonder she had wanted to leave the past behind.
‘And then seeing you and Toby the other night made me look at my situation with Steven, whatever the hell that is, and I don't know.’ Selia had managed to keep her emotions under control up until now but the mention of Steven was too much for her. Saffron put and arm around her shoulders which made things better and worse and she began to weep freely.’ Poor thing Saffron thought realising that despite having not seen her in nearly ten years she was still Selia’s only friend.
‘I’m sorry.’ Selia said sitting up and taking a tissue from the box Saffron offered her. ‘God this is embarrassing.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous Selia’, Saffron said, this time far more sincerely. ‘You have nothing to apologise for ok. Just go on if you want to go on. There’s no pressure ok?’
‘Thanks.’ Selia smiled for the first time since arriving. ‘It's pathetic really Saff. I really don't know what I'm doing with him. Seeing you and Toby really bought that to the surface the other night and I'm sorry I rushed off but it was either that or start blubbering in the middle of the bar.’
‘We're a pretty normal couple really Selia’ Saffron said attempting to downplay things as best as she could.
‘God I’d do anything for normal. I've been fooling myself that I'm in a relationship with Steven but it's clear that I’m not. He's still got his wife and I’m just his young play thing. At least at the beginning he was affectionate, but now all he wants to do is drink a couple of bottles of wine quickly and then go back to his apartment and have sex.’
‘I suppose you've tried talking to him?’ Saffron said knowing that Selia was completely right about the hopelessness of her situation. Saffron had been worried about her the moment she had been left briefly alone with Steven in the bar. There had been something aggressive, almost predatory about the way he had spoken to her and looked at her and from what he had insinuated it was clear that he held no loyalties towards Selia.
‘Every time I do he gets irritated and aggressive and it ends up ruining what little time we have together. People actually warned me against him you know. Apparently I'm just one on a list of girls from work he's gone out with. It's such a bloody cliché with the wife and the young lover. At the beginning he told me he was planning to leave her and like some pathetic idiot I believed it.’
‘Look Selia, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, I really don't. It's a cliché because it can happen so easily. He's the one in the wrong here, not you. He’s the one in the position of power and you can't necessarily choose who you fall for.’
‘Yeah I know’ Selia said staring down at her wine, ‘I just feel like such an idiot for deceiving myself all this time. I'm sure half the firm has been laughing behind my back.’
‘Listen, ignore all that, the key is what are you going to do from here. You’re a great girl Seals, your gorgeous, intelligent and that there will be dozens of guys queuing up to go out with you. I think you should tell him where to go.’
‘That's just the problem, I don't think it’s' that simple’ Selia said looking up from her wine, tears forming in her eyes again and trickling down her cheek.
‘What is it Selia. You must have had you’re suspicions this might not work out?’ Saffron knew it was difficult but she also couldn’t quite understand how this had managed to throw Selia so powerfully. She was normally fairly hard to break. Or at least she had been when Saffron had known her ten years ago.
‘Saff I’m so sorry for this. And I know you probably think this is all a little bit dramatic over a stupid relationship which isn’t even a real relationship but there's more to it than that. I’m pregnant.
For a moment Saffron sat silently beside Selia, rubbing her hand and not saying anything as she wept. It was probably best to get it out Saffron thought. It also gave her a chance to think of what to say.
‘This shouldn’t have happened. I’m on the pill Saff. I’m on the bloody pill and at first I thought I was just late and then it was a week late and I’m usually like clockwork so last night I bought a test and that confirmed it. I didn’t get any sleep last night. I just don’t know what to do Saff. That’s why I called you. I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know who else I could call. I just feel so alone.’
Saffron held Selia’s hand as she sat beside her, eyes down cast, no longer crying, but emotionally drained. Saffron had lived with Selia for five years but had never seen her look like this or breaks down like this. It was probably the first time she had let herself fully unload her emotions in all that time. And knowing what she did about Selia’s parents she knew they would be of no use. They were as conservative as they were determined. The shame would be too much for them and Selia didn’t need to feel any more shame. Saffron looked at he trembling beside her and felt deep sympathy. She thought how unfair it was that someone like Selia, so beautiful, intelligent who had managed to get scholarships though school and graduate from one of the best universities in the would could be brutalised by her parents into feeling she was so worthless.
‘Listen Selia, we may not have seen each other for ages but that is irrelevant. You may feel alone and scared but you’re not ok. You have me ok. I’m going to help you with this and Toby will feel the same ok. Whatever you decide to do.
‘I don’t know why you’re being so kind to me Saff. This isn’t you’re problem. And Toby. God I feel so bad about the way I behaved when we were working together.
‘Yeah I know all that, but listen that’s not important now.’
‘No it really is important Saff. I hate myself for acting that way. I know it's no excuse but I get so caught up and worried about what everyone will think about me and my background.’
Saffron new exactly what Selia was saying but she thought it would be good for her to get it all out. Saffron had never seen Selia being so honest. When they had been living together at school she had always been so guarded about admitting how she felt.
‘I just feel so different from the people around me. And it’s so unfair. They all have it so easy. They all know exactly how to behave, not because they have forced it upon themselves like me but because that’s just the way they are. I always feel like I’m trying to keep up. It was the same at St Hilda’s, and Cambridge and now it's the same again. I thought working would be different but its not. It’s all a great big club.’
‘Look Selia, I know this is how you feel, and I suppose my reminding you of how much you've achieved is probably fairly pointless, but it really is true. It's far more admirable getting to where you are through hard work than falling into it because of money and the right school and popping out at the end on the great public school conveyer belt. I also think that you'll find that you're not completely right about everyone you're working with. There are probably lots of people from very normal backgrounds working with you. Sure everyone has an educated voice, and probably says the right things but this is just part of playing the game. It's the same in my profession. People are very rarely completely honest.’
‘Maybe you're right. But I feel really terrible about treating Toby the way I have. I don’t know why I act the way I do. I just thought that people would think badly of me for doing it. I know it's wrong but sometimes when I’m in that situation I just cant think properly. I get so insecure about what I should do, who I should talk to, what I should wear. And then all this time I've been shagging my boss and people have probably been laughing behind my back.’ Selia stopped and tried her hardest to stop herself from breaking down without success. Saffron put her arm around her and said nothing just letting Selia cry for a while. This was probably the first time she had actually admitted out loud to how she felt, Saffron thought.
‘Look don't worry about that’ Saffron said cutting her off. And don't worry about Toby. He's a very relaxed, guy, I’m sure he'll understand if I explain things to him. If you don't mind me talking to him that is.’
‘No of course not.’
‘Now Seals’, saffron said handing her the box of tissues with a kind smile. What are we going to do with you?
‘What was all that about’, Toby asked, aware from the expression on Saffron’s face that something wasn’t quite right.
‘I don't know entirely. It was Selia. She was really upset she said she really needs to talk to me. ‘What was she doing calling you?’
‘Thanks a lot smart arse’
‘No, you know what I mean. You haven't seen her since school and then all of a sudden she sees you once and you’re her one point of call in a moment of crisis.’
Saffron thought for a moment but she knew Toby was right. It didn’t really make much sense. ‘Maybe she doesn't have anyone else. I remember when we were at school I was literally her only friend.’
‘But surely she can't have got to this stage all alone, surely she must have someone else’, Toby continued before realising his tone sounded more heartless than he had intended. ‘Anyway it doesn't matter, what did she say?’
‘Not too much really, she didn’t want to go into it on the phone but she’s going to come over now so it’s probably best if you make yourself scarce, if that’s all right. It shouldn’t be for too long.’
Toby had been practically living at Saffron’s the past couple of months. Not that there had been anything formal about it. He had started off telling himself that he would only spend a few nights a week with her but that hadn’t eventuated. His usual urge to get away and be on his own just wasn’t there the way it had been with his other girlfriend. It was easy being with Saffron.
‘Why don't you head out for a beer or something, grab a paper’, Saffron continued. ‘She's going to come around in about half an hour so if you can give us a couple of hours that would be great.’
Saffron could tell that Selia had been crying the moment she opened the door. The look of confusion that she might have pressed the wrong buzzer on Selia’s face turned to sudden relief. ‘Hi Saff, I’m so sorry for all this.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, what else are friends for’, Saffron said as sincerely as possible as she led Saffron down the hall and into the living room. She still had no idea what all this was about.
‘Sorry about the mess. I’d like to blame Toby but I’m partly to blame too I’m afraid.’
Saffron sat down opposite Selia. Her face looked softer than it had when they had met in the bar. .Free of makeup and in a pair of jeans she looked more like the girl Saffron had shared five years at school with then the uptight city girl. She looked tired and her eyes were swollen from the tears which had presumably been flowing intermittently all morning.
‘Thanks for letting me come round Saff’ Selia started after a few moments silence. Saffron sighed to herself in relief. She hadn’t known where to begin.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, you’re welcome any time.’
‘No really. God I know it must have been a surprise having me suddenly call you up out of the blue like this.’
‘Don’t worry about all that. But it was a real surprise seeing you again at that wine bar the other night. God it just makes you think how quickly time passes doesn’t it?’ Saffron decided that it was best to keep things as light as possible at this stage.
‘We didn't really get a chance to talk properly did we? I’d love to hear all about what you’ve been up to over the last few years. Big city Lawyer eh. I knew you’d be a success Seals.’
Saffron didn’t say anything. She appeared to be focused on restraining the emotions which were threatening to overflow at any moment.. Saffron’s confusion as to why Selia was sitting in front turned to genuine.
‘Hey ignore all that Seals. Saffron said moving from the armchair she had settled in and sat next to Selia on the sofa. ‘What’s happened? You seem so upset.’
‘I’m sorry about the other night Saff’, she started with a wobble. ‘I shouldn’t have just left without saying goodbye. I was having a really terrible night and I saw you and Toby and it was all too much for me. I mean don’t get me wrong. I was so pleased to see you again after all these years. But it was also a real shock. I just felt like. No it’s stupid.
‘Don’t be silly Seal, it’s not stupid.’
‘Well it’s just that you’re from my past Saffron. Apart from you and you’re friendship is, I’ve spent such a long time trying to forget about my past. I suppose seeing you again stirred up a lot of old memories and emotions.’
Saffron now knew exactly what Selia was talking about. In all the time she had known her, Selia had never specifically talked to Saffron like this but she had been able to piece enough from the little bits Selia had told her to know that her childhood had been scarred by the overbearing and social climbing aspirations of her father who was determined to make Selia everything he wasn’t. And from Saffron’s experience, Selia’s father Fred Sinclair-Brown wasn’t much. She had despised Selia’s father from the day she had met him. He used to stare at her in a way that a fourteen year old friends father shouldn’t. And he had ruined Selia’s childhood. All the way through St Hilda’s and presumably from the moment she had left the womb he had battered Selia with constant pressure and reminders that her type was not good enough and that she had to change and get ahead. The past for Selia had been an endless road of praiseless and forced achievement. No wonder she had wanted to leave the past behind.
‘And then seeing you and Toby the other night made me look at my situation with Steven, whatever the hell that is, and I don't know.’ Selia had managed to keep her emotions under control up until now but the mention of Steven was too much for her. Saffron put and arm around her shoulders which made things better and worse and she began to weep freely.’ Poor thing Saffron thought realising that despite having not seen her in nearly ten years she was still Selia’s only friend.
‘I’m sorry.’ Selia said sitting up and taking a tissue from the box Saffron offered her. ‘God this is embarrassing.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous Selia’, Saffron said, this time far more sincerely. ‘You have nothing to apologise for ok. Just go on if you want to go on. There’s no pressure ok?’
‘Thanks.’ Selia smiled for the first time since arriving. ‘It's pathetic really Saff. I really don't know what I'm doing with him. Seeing you and Toby really bought that to the surface the other night and I'm sorry I rushed off but it was either that or start blubbering in the middle of the bar.’
‘We're a pretty normal couple really Selia’ Saffron said attempting to downplay things as best as she could.
‘God I’d do anything for normal. I've been fooling myself that I'm in a relationship with Steven but it's clear that I’m not. He's still got his wife and I’m just his young play thing. At least at the beginning he was affectionate, but now all he wants to do is drink a couple of bottles of wine quickly and then go back to his apartment and have sex.’
‘I suppose you've tried talking to him?’ Saffron said knowing that Selia was completely right about the hopelessness of her situation. Saffron had been worried about her the moment she had been left briefly alone with Steven in the bar. There had been something aggressive, almost predatory about the way he had spoken to her and looked at her and from what he had insinuated it was clear that he held no loyalties towards Selia.
‘Every time I do he gets irritated and aggressive and it ends up ruining what little time we have together. People actually warned me against him you know. Apparently I'm just one on a list of girls from work he's gone out with. It's such a bloody cliché with the wife and the young lover. At the beginning he told me he was planning to leave her and like some pathetic idiot I believed it.’
‘Look Selia, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, I really don't. It's a cliché because it can happen so easily. He's the one in the wrong here, not you. He’s the one in the position of power and you can't necessarily choose who you fall for.’
‘Yeah I know’ Selia said staring down at her wine, ‘I just feel like such an idiot for deceiving myself all this time. I'm sure half the firm has been laughing behind my back.’
‘Listen, ignore all that, the key is what are you going to do from here. You’re a great girl Seals, your gorgeous, intelligent and that there will be dozens of guys queuing up to go out with you. I think you should tell him where to go.’
‘That's just the problem, I don't think it’s' that simple’ Selia said looking up from her wine, tears forming in her eyes again and trickling down her cheek.
‘What is it Selia. You must have had you’re suspicions this might not work out?’ Saffron knew it was difficult but she also couldn’t quite understand how this had managed to throw Selia so powerfully. She was normally fairly hard to break. Or at least she had been when Saffron had known her ten years ago.
‘Saff I’m so sorry for this. And I know you probably think this is all a little bit dramatic over a stupid relationship which isn’t even a real relationship but there's more to it than that. I’m pregnant.
For a moment Saffron sat silently beside Selia, rubbing her hand and not saying anything as she wept. It was probably best to get it out Saffron thought. It also gave her a chance to think of what to say.
‘This shouldn’t have happened. I’m on the pill Saff. I’m on the bloody pill and at first I thought I was just late and then it was a week late and I’m usually like clockwork so last night I bought a test and that confirmed it. I didn’t get any sleep last night. I just don’t know what to do Saff. That’s why I called you. I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know who else I could call. I just feel so alone.’
Saffron held Selia’s hand as she sat beside her, eyes down cast, no longer crying, but emotionally drained. Saffron had lived with Selia for five years but had never seen her look like this or breaks down like this. It was probably the first time she had let herself fully unload her emotions in all that time. And knowing what she did about Selia’s parents she knew they would be of no use. They were as conservative as they were determined. The shame would be too much for them and Selia didn’t need to feel any more shame. Saffron looked at he trembling beside her and felt deep sympathy. She thought how unfair it was that someone like Selia, so beautiful, intelligent who had managed to get scholarships though school and graduate from one of the best universities in the would could be brutalised by her parents into feeling she was so worthless.
‘Listen Selia, we may not have seen each other for ages but that is irrelevant. You may feel alone and scared but you’re not ok. You have me ok. I’m going to help you with this and Toby will feel the same ok. Whatever you decide to do.
‘I don’t know why you’re being so kind to me Saff. This isn’t you’re problem. And Toby. God I feel so bad about the way I behaved when we were working together.
‘Yeah I know all that, but listen that’s not important now.’
‘No it really is important Saff. I hate myself for acting that way. I know it's no excuse but I get so caught up and worried about what everyone will think about me and my background.’
Saffron new exactly what Selia was saying but she thought it would be good for her to get it all out. Saffron had never seen Selia being so honest. When they had been living together at school she had always been so guarded about admitting how she felt.
‘I just feel so different from the people around me. And it’s so unfair. They all have it so easy. They all know exactly how to behave, not because they have forced it upon themselves like me but because that’s just the way they are. I always feel like I’m trying to keep up. It was the same at St Hilda’s, and Cambridge and now it's the same again. I thought working would be different but its not. It’s all a great big club.’
‘Look Selia, I know this is how you feel, and I suppose my reminding you of how much you've achieved is probably fairly pointless, but it really is true. It's far more admirable getting to where you are through hard work than falling into it because of money and the right school and popping out at the end on the great public school conveyer belt. I also think that you'll find that you're not completely right about everyone you're working with. There are probably lots of people from very normal backgrounds working with you. Sure everyone has an educated voice, and probably says the right things but this is just part of playing the game. It's the same in my profession. People are very rarely completely honest.’
‘Maybe you're right. But I feel really terrible about treating Toby the way I have. I don’t know why I act the way I do. I just thought that people would think badly of me for doing it. I know it's wrong but sometimes when I’m in that situation I just cant think properly. I get so insecure about what I should do, who I should talk to, what I should wear. And then all this time I've been shagging my boss and people have probably been laughing behind my back.’ Selia stopped and tried her hardest to stop herself from breaking down without success. Saffron put her arm around her and said nothing just letting Selia cry for a while. This was probably the first time she had actually admitted out loud to how she felt, Saffron thought.
‘Look don't worry about that’ Saffron said cutting her off. And don't worry about Toby. He's a very relaxed, guy, I’m sure he'll understand if I explain things to him. If you don't mind me talking to him that is.’
‘No of course not.’
‘Now Seals’, saffron said handing her the box of tissues with a kind smile. What are we going to do with you?
Chapter 26
Toby lowered himself into spare seat at the bar and glanced around him. He had left his paper on the metro and now he wished he hadn’t. Sitting alone at a bar was fine if he had a paper. He enjoyed the privacy. He could lock himself up in his world and take in the interaction around him as and when he wanted. But sitting without a paper he felt self conscious. Fortunately it wasn’t long before Charles arrived, briefly startling Toby as he rested his hand on his shoulder and raising himself onto the empty neighbouring bar stool.
‘Charles!’ Toby said struggling to raise himself off his stool and giving up having raised his bottom a couple of inches off the stool as Charles waved him down and extended his hand.
So you found the old place alright then Toby, good good, sorry for keeping you waiting.
No problem at all, I just arrived myself. This is a great bar. I’ve walked down here dozens of time but I never really noticed it.
Yes it’s one of my favourites. You have to get here early to get a seat but it’s generally worth it, now what are you having.’
Toby relaxed into his stool as Charles took care of the drinks. He had been strangely nervous before he had arrived which was not like him. Perhaps it was because he suspected that Charles wanted a little more than the return of his trousers. Somehow the conversation of his sexuality hadn’t really come up at the party and having arrived alone at the party with Andy, there was probably no reason why Charles wouldn’t have thought he was gay.
‘So tell me Toby’, Charles began cheerily handing Toby his pint and steadying himself on his stool. ‘How was your friend feeling the day after the party?’
Toby grinned. Andy had been an absolute wreck the next morning and Toby had taken great pleasure in recounting the story.
‘Yeah he was feeling pretty sorry for himself to be honest. And very embarrassed. Speaking of which, once again Charles I’m really very sorry about this and thanks so much for being so understanding’ Toby said handing over small package he was guarding in front of him.
‘They’ve been washed and dry-cleaned. I guess it will at the least provide you with a good story at your next party. God knows what I would have thought if the same situation had happened to me.’
‘Not at all Toby. I found the whole situation very amusing and besides it was very nice to meet you both. And it gave us an opportunity to catch up again which was nice.’
‘Absolutely’ Toby said, taking a sip from his pint and looking across at Charles. Toby was unsure of how to proceed. Should he come right out with? By the way Charles, you seem like a terrific bloke and you treated us very well the other night but the truth is I’m not gay? Honesty had worked before and Toby decided it was best to get things out of the way as quickly as possible.
‘Charles can I ask you a personal question.’
‘Of course you can. Anything you want.’
‘It’s a little hard to ask.
‘Oh come on Toby spit it out.’
‘Sorry. Ok, look if this comes across as offensive or anything it’s not meant to at all.’
‘God Toby you should be a lawyer with all these disclaimers.’
‘Yeah ok, well, do you for some reason think I’m gay Charles?’
Charles smiled for a second, taking a small sip from his glass or red wine before setting it down softly on the table in front of him.
‘First of all Toby I am not in the least offended by your question. The truth of the matter Toby is that yes, I thought you might be or perhaps hoped your might be. Can I take it from the nature of your question that you are not?’
‘No, unfortunately not Charles. I hope I haven’t misled you in any way.’ Toby started to relax. He had no idea what he had expected Charles to say but fortunately he had not made him feel any more nervous or embarrassed than he already did.
‘Not in the least Toby. It is very nice to meet an interesting new person like yourself regardless. If anyone was misleading anyone then it was me. Now cheers to friendships!’
‘I do know a very attractive single gay guy at work who might be of interest’ Toby said smiling and relaxing having dealt with the situation.
‘Really? And where do you work Toby. I’m sorry, we didn’t really have a chance to get into all this the other night did we, what with Andy’s little accident.
‘No we didn’t. I must confess that my job is a little less than glamorous at the moment Charles. I actually went to law school and until about six months ago I was working at Parkers as a paralegal waiting for a training contract to come up.’
‘We’re you really? Now there’s a coincidence Toby. I’m actually over at Blinkers. Do you know it?’ Charles, probably more out of habit than need reached into his wallet and handed Toby his card. Charles Herrington. Junior Partner. Blinkers. Toby gazed over the card and slipped it into his jacket pocket.
‘I do actually. I applied for a training contract but didn’t make the cut. Anyway that’s no longer important. I’m now working making coffees and bagels in a little café near Great Eastern Road.’
‘Really? What ever happened? Sorry Toby that didn’t come out the way it ought to have. What I meant to say was, how did you go from working in the city to making coffees, not that there is anything wrong with the later, but you understand what I mean.’
‘Of course I do. My training contract was due to come up not long after I resigned. I’m not saying anything bad about the profession Charles and for the right person it’s obviously an excellent option. You are obviously doing very well and it must suit you and I think that’s great. I just found that for me it didn’t seem to fit if that makes sense. I just don’t think that I was suited to it’
‘Yes I think I do know what you mean Toby. I had different plans myself to be quite frank Toby but you know how it goes or maybe you don’t. The work keeps coming; money keeps getting better and then it’s thoroughly difficult to get away.’
‘Yeah we that seems to be the problem. Not that there was any trap of money as a paralegal. I could barely get by on what they were paying me but I could see how that was happening to the people all around me. I was looking at the way people in the law firm live there lives and what’s required to get to the top and it just didn’t make sense to me. Especially considering I just couldn’t see myself doing what people in the firm were prepared to do.
Anyway I’ve always been very interested in writing and I’m actually quite good at it, at least I like to think I am. So a few months ago I met my girlfriend Saffron.’
‘The Bitch’ Charles roared with a broad smile.
‘Ah so you’ve met her then’ Toby said laughing. ‘But really she’ great. She works as a print designer in Hoxton and we met one night at the Lighthouse.’
‘Ah I pop in there from time to time’
‘Yeah it’s not a bad place is it. So she suggested to me that I should give writing a serious go. That if I stayed in the law firm I would get caught and that would be the end of my dream. I would start earning good money and that would be that.’
‘She sounds like a very sensible woman.’
‘Yeah she is. Sorry Charles, do you mind me banging on about me like this.
‘Bang away dear boy’
‘Right, well one morning we were talking about all this and we had been spending loads of time together and she told me that I should quit my job, get a part time job doing whatever and move in with her and focus seriously on writing.’
‘Wow. And you did that?’
‘Yeah I did actually. It’s been about three months now. I’m working in a café during the morning and then spend the afternoons writing, or at least attempting to.’
‘God that’s wonderful. That’s really very impressive Toby. And how is it going?’
‘It’s bloody hard actually. I know, or at least I’m pretty sure I’ve made the right decision. That part is fine. But it’s a very very slow process. Even getting published is a big step, especially when you don’t have a history of being published.’
‘I can imagine. Have you had any luck so far.’
‘A little. I recently got a regular column for a lifestyle journal in east London with a tiny circulation but it’s a start.’
‘Well done that’s fantastic isn’t it?’
‘Yeah it is. But it’s still hard you know. This magazine doesn’t pay for the articles and the money from the café is pretty terrible. I feel a little guilty sponging off Saffron. I’m sorry Charles, this is all getting a little heavy isn’t it.’
‘Not at all Toby. Not at all. It is a delight to hear from someone who is taking a risk and chasing after their passion. I wish I could have done the same. And I’m sure that Saffron doesn’t consider that what you are doing is sponging. By the sound of things she has a great deal of faith in you and you have her full support.
Yeah she does and so do I most of the time but it´s a hell of a lot harder than you would imagine. Keeping positive about the whole thing is probably the harders thing. Successes are few and far between and and it seems terrible that it has to be that way but without a financial reward it´s all a bit bloody scary really.
So how are you surviving then. Charles
‘Charles!’ Toby said struggling to raise himself off his stool and giving up having raised his bottom a couple of inches off the stool as Charles waved him down and extended his hand.
So you found the old place alright then Toby, good good, sorry for keeping you waiting.
No problem at all, I just arrived myself. This is a great bar. I’ve walked down here dozens of time but I never really noticed it.
Yes it’s one of my favourites. You have to get here early to get a seat but it’s generally worth it, now what are you having.’
Toby relaxed into his stool as Charles took care of the drinks. He had been strangely nervous before he had arrived which was not like him. Perhaps it was because he suspected that Charles wanted a little more than the return of his trousers. Somehow the conversation of his sexuality hadn’t really come up at the party and having arrived alone at the party with Andy, there was probably no reason why Charles wouldn’t have thought he was gay.
‘So tell me Toby’, Charles began cheerily handing Toby his pint and steadying himself on his stool. ‘How was your friend feeling the day after the party?’
Toby grinned. Andy had been an absolute wreck the next morning and Toby had taken great pleasure in recounting the story.
‘Yeah he was feeling pretty sorry for himself to be honest. And very embarrassed. Speaking of which, once again Charles I’m really very sorry about this and thanks so much for being so understanding’ Toby said handing over small package he was guarding in front of him.
‘They’ve been washed and dry-cleaned. I guess it will at the least provide you with a good story at your next party. God knows what I would have thought if the same situation had happened to me.’
‘Not at all Toby. I found the whole situation very amusing and besides it was very nice to meet you both. And it gave us an opportunity to catch up again which was nice.’
‘Absolutely’ Toby said, taking a sip from his pint and looking across at Charles. Toby was unsure of how to proceed. Should he come right out with? By the way Charles, you seem like a terrific bloke and you treated us very well the other night but the truth is I’m not gay? Honesty had worked before and Toby decided it was best to get things out of the way as quickly as possible.
‘Charles can I ask you a personal question.’
‘Of course you can. Anything you want.’
‘It’s a little hard to ask.
‘Oh come on Toby spit it out.’
‘Sorry. Ok, look if this comes across as offensive or anything it’s not meant to at all.’
‘God Toby you should be a lawyer with all these disclaimers.’
‘Yeah ok, well, do you for some reason think I’m gay Charles?’
Charles smiled for a second, taking a small sip from his glass or red wine before setting it down softly on the table in front of him.
‘First of all Toby I am not in the least offended by your question. The truth of the matter Toby is that yes, I thought you might be or perhaps hoped your might be. Can I take it from the nature of your question that you are not?’
‘No, unfortunately not Charles. I hope I haven’t misled you in any way.’ Toby started to relax. He had no idea what he had expected Charles to say but fortunately he had not made him feel any more nervous or embarrassed than he already did.
‘Not in the least Toby. It is very nice to meet an interesting new person like yourself regardless. If anyone was misleading anyone then it was me. Now cheers to friendships!’
‘I do know a very attractive single gay guy at work who might be of interest’ Toby said smiling and relaxing having dealt with the situation.
‘Really? And where do you work Toby. I’m sorry, we didn’t really have a chance to get into all this the other night did we, what with Andy’s little accident.
‘No we didn’t. I must confess that my job is a little less than glamorous at the moment Charles. I actually went to law school and until about six months ago I was working at Parkers as a paralegal waiting for a training contract to come up.’
‘We’re you really? Now there’s a coincidence Toby. I’m actually over at Blinkers. Do you know it?’ Charles, probably more out of habit than need reached into his wallet and handed Toby his card. Charles Herrington. Junior Partner. Blinkers. Toby gazed over the card and slipped it into his jacket pocket.
‘I do actually. I applied for a training contract but didn’t make the cut. Anyway that’s no longer important. I’m now working making coffees and bagels in a little café near Great Eastern Road.’
‘Really? What ever happened? Sorry Toby that didn’t come out the way it ought to have. What I meant to say was, how did you go from working in the city to making coffees, not that there is anything wrong with the later, but you understand what I mean.’
‘Of course I do. My training contract was due to come up not long after I resigned. I’m not saying anything bad about the profession Charles and for the right person it’s obviously an excellent option. You are obviously doing very well and it must suit you and I think that’s great. I just found that for me it didn’t seem to fit if that makes sense. I just don’t think that I was suited to it’
‘Yes I think I do know what you mean Toby. I had different plans myself to be quite frank Toby but you know how it goes or maybe you don’t. The work keeps coming; money keeps getting better and then it’s thoroughly difficult to get away.’
‘Yeah we that seems to be the problem. Not that there was any trap of money as a paralegal. I could barely get by on what they were paying me but I could see how that was happening to the people all around me. I was looking at the way people in the law firm live there lives and what’s required to get to the top and it just didn’t make sense to me. Especially considering I just couldn’t see myself doing what people in the firm were prepared to do.
Anyway I’ve always been very interested in writing and I’m actually quite good at it, at least I like to think I am. So a few months ago I met my girlfriend Saffron.’
‘The Bitch’ Charles roared with a broad smile.
‘Ah so you’ve met her then’ Toby said laughing. ‘But really she’ great. She works as a print designer in Hoxton and we met one night at the Lighthouse.’
‘Ah I pop in there from time to time’
‘Yeah it’s not a bad place is it. So she suggested to me that I should give writing a serious go. That if I stayed in the law firm I would get caught and that would be the end of my dream. I would start earning good money and that would be that.’
‘She sounds like a very sensible woman.’
‘Yeah she is. Sorry Charles, do you mind me banging on about me like this.
‘Bang away dear boy’
‘Right, well one morning we were talking about all this and we had been spending loads of time together and she told me that I should quit my job, get a part time job doing whatever and move in with her and focus seriously on writing.’
‘Wow. And you did that?’
‘Yeah I did actually. It’s been about three months now. I’m working in a café during the morning and then spend the afternoons writing, or at least attempting to.’
‘God that’s wonderful. That’s really very impressive Toby. And how is it going?’
‘It’s bloody hard actually. I know, or at least I’m pretty sure I’ve made the right decision. That part is fine. But it’s a very very slow process. Even getting published is a big step, especially when you don’t have a history of being published.’
‘I can imagine. Have you had any luck so far.’
‘A little. I recently got a regular column for a lifestyle journal in east London with a tiny circulation but it’s a start.’
‘Well done that’s fantastic isn’t it?’
‘Yeah it is. But it’s still hard you know. This magazine doesn’t pay for the articles and the money from the café is pretty terrible. I feel a little guilty sponging off Saffron. I’m sorry Charles, this is all getting a little heavy isn’t it.’
‘Not at all Toby. Not at all. It is a delight to hear from someone who is taking a risk and chasing after their passion. I wish I could have done the same. And I’m sure that Saffron doesn’t consider that what you are doing is sponging. By the sound of things she has a great deal of faith in you and you have her full support.
Yeah she does and so do I most of the time but it´s a hell of a lot harder than you would imagine. Keeping positive about the whole thing is probably the harders thing. Successes are few and far between and and it seems terrible that it has to be that way but without a financial reward it´s all a bit bloody scary really.
So how are you surviving then. Charles
Chapter 25
Marco looked at the mobile vibrating in his palm and after a seconds thought, closed his eyes and slipped it under his pillow. Now it was done. He snatched his satchel from the chair next to his mattress and slipped as quietly out the front door as possible.
٭
‘Matt, it’s Marco’. Marco pushed the receiver to his ear struggling to be heard over the noise of the traffic and crowds tearing along Charing Cross Road. The phone box window had been freshly smashed, leaving a pool a glass which crunched under his feet. Marco squeezed a finger into his ear and closed his eyes in an attempt to block out the distractions and sounds which made controlling his thoughts almost impossible.
‘Marco buddy. Where the hell have you been?’ Matt’s reply boasted not a trace of the resentment Marco had feared. He had been afraid that Matt wouldn’t answer or worse, that when he did he want to talk.
‘Shit buddy it’s been a while hasn’t it. What happened to our drinks? I tried calling you but I couldn’t seem to get through to you.’
Marco couldn’t speak. Matt was the sole connection to the life he had lived before everything had changed. Before he had screwed up everything. He had been Marco’s brother; his friend; his sole confidant in London and now, speaking to him after all this time the emotions were too much for Marco. Placing his hand firmly over the phone’s mouth piece Marco descended into tears.
‘Sorry Matt.’
Marco tried his best to keep his voice from wavering.
‘I lost my phone.’ Marco felt sick lying to Matt but he also knew this wasn’t the time to go into things in any detail.
‘That’s alright buddy, it’s great to hear from you.’
‘You too Matt, but I don’t have much time left, I’m calling from a pay phone. I really need to meet you. I really need to see you ok. I need you’re help. It’s really important.
‘Jesus mate, is everything ok.’
‘I can’t really go into it now. I’ll explain everything to you later ok. I’m really sorry about this.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I can meet you mate. Where abouts are you?’
*
Marco sat alone in an empty corner of The Horse and Carriage, the same dark and dingy pub the two had met in after the episode with Abi. The same bar he had rushed out of foolishly blaming Matt for his own problems. Nothing had changed, not that much changes in pubs like this in a matter of years, let alone a matter of months. The same statuesque regulars were riveted to the bar. The same sweet smell of stale bitter mixed with cigarette smoke hung over the place.
Facing the front door, Marco felt his nerves go through the roof every time a shadow flickered past the front door. He tried to calm himself down by focussing on something positive but it was impossible. There didn’t seem to be any positive to focus on. Let alone a way out of the hole he had let himself slip into. He gulped greedily at his pint hoping it might help to steady his nerves, staring hopefully up at the clock for the fifteenth time in as many minutes.
In a brief moment during which Marco let his guard down, Matt slipped through the door of the pub. ‘Jaysus mate you look awful’ Matt said almost cheerily as he strode towards the table and slipping his coat from his shoulders. Marco squeezed out of the gap between the table and the bench seat, forced himself to his feet, and accepted the bear like hug that Matt was offering. Again the tears started to flow and this time Marco did nothing to try to hide them. For a few moments he clung on to Matt, not wanting to let go, not wanting to have to face telling him the truth. Holding on to Matt and weaping.
‘Its ok mate’, Matt said, holding Marco tightly, and waiting a few moments for him to calm down. ‘Whatever’s happened we’ll sort it out ok. Take a few deep breaths and I’ll go get us another pint.’
Marco sat down and looked across at Matt leaning against the Bar while the bartender poured the pints. Part of his grief lay in his anger at himself for having cut Matt off. It had just been easier. He had known that what he was doing was wrong. He knew his family would think so, that Matt would think so. The two were practically the same. And he had hated lying to either of them. With his family it had been easy. They had no idea that he wasn’t still working at The Bistro. When they asked he would just say work is fine, that he was working hard and saving a little money, that he had made lots of new friends, the kind of thing parents want to hear. Sometimes they would call first thing on a Sunday morning which was a bit hard and he would have to strain to descramble his mind and talk to them normally. There was no chance they would come to London. They didn’t travel. They never had really and there was no chance they were going to start now. But with Matt it was different. Every time he spoke to Matt after leaving The Bistro he had felt guilty. Eventually it had just been easier to stop calling Matt and stop answering his calls.
‘Here we are’ Matt sat sliding into the booth opposite Marco, saying nothing more for the moment, taking a second to look at Marco. Christ, Matt thought, trying to hide any look of concern from his face and wondering what could have happened to the poor little bastard? Marco looked scared to death, pale, he had large bags under his eyes which themselves were bloodshot and nervy looking. He was sweating visibly and his hands were shaking.
‘You don’t look your normal happy old self mate’ Matt said unsure where else to start. What he should have said was Jesus you look like complete shit what the hell have you done to yourself.’
Marco took a deep breath, followed by a deep sip of his beer. He wanted to come clean with Matt. But he knew it meant telling him that he had purposefully cut him off. He also knew he had no other choice. Matt was the only person in London he knew he could rely on.
‘I’m in some serious trouble Matt.’
‘Id gathered that much already mate. But listen mate, I know we haven’t spoken for a while but none of that matters ok. Just tell me what’s been going on and we’ll see what we can do.
Marco tried to begin but the moment he opened his mouth he broke down again. His tears were tears of exhaustion, of relief to be sitting once again with Matt and of fear. Marco felt scared to death.
‘It’s ok mate, look, just do your best to relax, there’s no hurry ok. I’m going to go and order you something to eat and then you can take me through it in your own time.
Marco shut his eyes and focused on not crying. Instead he tried to force the events which had led him to now into some form of logical sequence. Things had changed so slowly and seemingly normally that it was hard to pinpoint where he should start. He certainly knew when things had changed in terms of his relationship with Matt. That was when he had stopped calling him and taking his calls. But the progression within the flat had been far more subtle. His greed had been a mistake. Moving to the Clubs had been a huge mistake. He had been making more than enough money dealing to his friends during the weekend. More money by far than when he had made working at the Bistro. The whole thing had just happened so easily; so normally. That was what had sealed it. The progression from the flat to the clubs. That’s the moment he had truly fucked things up.
Matt sat down once again, placing a large plastic order number in front of Marco, and waited patiently for him to begin.
‘I don’t know what to say Matt. I just feel so bad.’
‘Just take it easy ok. Just tell me what has happened. No matter what I’m on your side ok.’
‘Ok, but I want to tell you how sorry I am for not calling you. I have no excuse and I feel terrible and I have really missed seeing you.’
‘Listen buddy. Things like this happen. It’s not important.’
‘Ok. Well you know I was living at the Hetley in Brixton.’
‘Yep.’
‘When I was thinking of moving in to the flat, one of the guys who had been living there, a guy called Dan, told me he was leaving London but that he had been making good money by dealing at the house parties.’
‘Dealing what?’ Matt asked feeling worried for the first time in the conversation. He had thought that perhaps Marco had broken up with some girl or had had run out of money or something else he could solve with a few kind words, a bit of money or a little direction.
‘Pills’ Marco said sounding as ashamed as he felt. ‘We were talking one night before he moved out at a barbeque at the Hetley. I was telling him about how hard I was working and how I didn’t have enough money to leave my job and move in to the flat. Then he told me that he was going home to New Zealand and that if I wanted to, he could give me the rest of his pills and I could start selling them.
‘Go on mate.’ Matt tried his hardest to appear calm. He didn’t feel it.
‘Dan told me it wasn’t really like dealing. He said it was more like helping friend out and making some money at the same time.
Marco looked across at Matt and then lowered his head. Hearing himself describe what had happened and what he had done made him feel so ashamed. He knew how stupid he had been. He felt himself shivering less from the cold than from the nervous tension which was building up or being released.
‘Listen Marco, just relax ok’, Matt said warmly and seeing that Marco was struggling. ‘You’re not the first person this has happened to ok. You’ve made a mistake alright. A serious mistake but we all make mistakes. I’m not judging you. I told you I’m going to help you and I’m going to help ok so just go on and we’ll see what we can do.
Marco took a deep breath. ‘That’s how it all started. I was hanging out with the same group. There were parties every weekend. Sometimes at our house or sometimes at other peoples houses but they were always with people we knew. I started making lots of money Matt. More money than I have ever made in my life. I was really happy. I was making lots of new friends and I was really enjoying myself.
Marco stopped for a second and then lifted his gaze which had been fixed on the pint he had clutched between his hands in front of him.
‘Matt I knew you would have told me to stop so I.’ Marco trailed off.
‘Forget all that’.
Marco nodded. He hadn’t had a drop of sleep and he felt exhausted. He looked nervously around the bar to make sure no one was paying attention but the bar was now completely empty.
‘I know it was a mistake but I was making more money two nights a week than I had been making in an entire week at The Bistro. Then I started dealing in a couple of the clubs we went to. I know it was a big mistake. I don’t know what else to say. I got greedy. Most of the people in the clubs were people I knew so it stopped feeling like I was doing anything wrong. Just like in the flat. Then Shay, the girl who used to organise most of the parties at our house and knew most of the people from the other flats moved back to Melbourne so I wasn’t making as much money at home as before. I know it was stupid but I did it. The first night I made about 600 quid. The bouncers got to know me and told me if I gave them a percentage of my earnings they would make sure I wasn’t thrown out.’
‘Go on mate.’
‘About two months ago there was a really big party at the DD club in Brixton where lots of my friends. I don’t normally take pills when I’m working, but that night I did. The first one I took didn’t do anything so I took another one and then later they were both working and I was absolutely wasted. My dealer Simon was on his way in to meet me because I had run out of pills. By the time he arrived I was slumped in the corner. He must have been with a friend because they carried me out and put me in their car. This is all a bit of a haze to me. I can remember being in the back of the car. It was raining and I can remember being in the car, driving. Then there were flashing lights ahead the next thing I knew Simon and his mate were slamming the car doors and running and I was left sitting in the back, unable to do anything. The police found drugs in the car and arrested me and the next thing I knew I was in a police cell.
‘Jesus mate. This was two months ago?’
‘Yeah it will be two months tomorrow.’
‘So what happened? How the hell did you get out? Did they let you go?’
Matt did his best to hide the concern from his voice. Looking across at Marco he felt guilty. Personally responsible. Maybe he should have made more of an effort to look after Marco. He should at least have tried to track him down after he fell out of contact. He had known where he was living after all.
‘This is the problem Matt. I was sitting in there and there were these two cops. They both seemed about your age you know, quite young and they were telling me that I was in big trouble. I told them that I wanted to speak with a lawyer and then they told me that I could but they had plenty of evidence to convict me and that if they did I would probably end up in prison for at least seven years. That’s when they said I had another option.’
Again Marco paused, unsure where to look, hardly able to believe the story he was now telling and taking sanctity in the fresh beer Mat had just bought.
‘One of the cops looked at me and said that I didn’t need to go through all that. If I helped them they would help me. They said they could make the whole mess go away. They dropped me home, told me to keep quiet and said they would ring me the next day to pick me up and tell me what they wanted done. I was exhausted, tired scared and I just wanted to get out of there so I said yes. The next day they called me and I walked around the corner and met them and then we drove out to some part of the country side, I don’t know where it was but then they pulled the car over and turned off the engine. One of them then threw me a huge bag of pills. I looked at them and didn’t know what to say. I told them I didn’t understand. He told me that if I wanted to avoid going to jail I would have to work for them. They said there were two thousand pills in the bag and that I had to get rid of them. They told me that they would call me again at the end of the month. They told me that if I spoke to anyone about this I would go straight to jail and they had ways of making things a lot worse for me if they wanted to.’
‘Jesus. So what have you done?’ Matt was no longer worried about sounding unconcerned.
‘I managed to sell the bag to people over the month and some to another dealer I know and I thought I had done what they wanted. When I met them again at the end of the month to give them their money and they gave me an even bigger bag. I was meant to meet them yesterday with their money but I didn’t answer their call and I have been hiding out ever since. I don’t know what to do Matt. I’m really scared you know. I just want to get out of this mess and go home and forget all about it.
‘So what have you been doing since then?’
‘Once I missed the meeting I knew there was no way I could go back to the flat. I threw my sim card away ran to the Tube and took it to Oxford Circus and I’ve been walking around in the crowds for hours, all night, I tried to get some sleep but I couldn’t sleep. I was too scared. I’ve been walking around all morning and then that was when I called you you. I’m so sorry Marco said, tears streaming down his face, I didn’t know who else to call.
٭
‘Matt, it’s Marco’. Marco pushed the receiver to his ear struggling to be heard over the noise of the traffic and crowds tearing along Charing Cross Road. The phone box window had been freshly smashed, leaving a pool a glass which crunched under his feet. Marco squeezed a finger into his ear and closed his eyes in an attempt to block out the distractions and sounds which made controlling his thoughts almost impossible.
‘Marco buddy. Where the hell have you been?’ Matt’s reply boasted not a trace of the resentment Marco had feared. He had been afraid that Matt wouldn’t answer or worse, that when he did he want to talk.
‘Shit buddy it’s been a while hasn’t it. What happened to our drinks? I tried calling you but I couldn’t seem to get through to you.’
Marco couldn’t speak. Matt was the sole connection to the life he had lived before everything had changed. Before he had screwed up everything. He had been Marco’s brother; his friend; his sole confidant in London and now, speaking to him after all this time the emotions were too much for Marco. Placing his hand firmly over the phone’s mouth piece Marco descended into tears.
‘Sorry Matt.’
Marco tried his best to keep his voice from wavering.
‘I lost my phone.’ Marco felt sick lying to Matt but he also knew this wasn’t the time to go into things in any detail.
‘That’s alright buddy, it’s great to hear from you.’
‘You too Matt, but I don’t have much time left, I’m calling from a pay phone. I really need to meet you. I really need to see you ok. I need you’re help. It’s really important.
‘Jesus mate, is everything ok.’
‘I can’t really go into it now. I’ll explain everything to you later ok. I’m really sorry about this.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I can meet you mate. Where abouts are you?’
*
Marco sat alone in an empty corner of The Horse and Carriage, the same dark and dingy pub the two had met in after the episode with Abi. The same bar he had rushed out of foolishly blaming Matt for his own problems. Nothing had changed, not that much changes in pubs like this in a matter of years, let alone a matter of months. The same statuesque regulars were riveted to the bar. The same sweet smell of stale bitter mixed with cigarette smoke hung over the place.
Facing the front door, Marco felt his nerves go through the roof every time a shadow flickered past the front door. He tried to calm himself down by focussing on something positive but it was impossible. There didn’t seem to be any positive to focus on. Let alone a way out of the hole he had let himself slip into. He gulped greedily at his pint hoping it might help to steady his nerves, staring hopefully up at the clock for the fifteenth time in as many minutes.
In a brief moment during which Marco let his guard down, Matt slipped through the door of the pub. ‘Jaysus mate you look awful’ Matt said almost cheerily as he strode towards the table and slipping his coat from his shoulders. Marco squeezed out of the gap between the table and the bench seat, forced himself to his feet, and accepted the bear like hug that Matt was offering. Again the tears started to flow and this time Marco did nothing to try to hide them. For a few moments he clung on to Matt, not wanting to let go, not wanting to have to face telling him the truth. Holding on to Matt and weaping.
‘Its ok mate’, Matt said, holding Marco tightly, and waiting a few moments for him to calm down. ‘Whatever’s happened we’ll sort it out ok. Take a few deep breaths and I’ll go get us another pint.’
Marco sat down and looked across at Matt leaning against the Bar while the bartender poured the pints. Part of his grief lay in his anger at himself for having cut Matt off. It had just been easier. He had known that what he was doing was wrong. He knew his family would think so, that Matt would think so. The two were practically the same. And he had hated lying to either of them. With his family it had been easy. They had no idea that he wasn’t still working at The Bistro. When they asked he would just say work is fine, that he was working hard and saving a little money, that he had made lots of new friends, the kind of thing parents want to hear. Sometimes they would call first thing on a Sunday morning which was a bit hard and he would have to strain to descramble his mind and talk to them normally. There was no chance they would come to London. They didn’t travel. They never had really and there was no chance they were going to start now. But with Matt it was different. Every time he spoke to Matt after leaving The Bistro he had felt guilty. Eventually it had just been easier to stop calling Matt and stop answering his calls.
‘Here we are’ Matt sat sliding into the booth opposite Marco, saying nothing more for the moment, taking a second to look at Marco. Christ, Matt thought, trying to hide any look of concern from his face and wondering what could have happened to the poor little bastard? Marco looked scared to death, pale, he had large bags under his eyes which themselves were bloodshot and nervy looking. He was sweating visibly and his hands were shaking.
‘You don’t look your normal happy old self mate’ Matt said unsure where else to start. What he should have said was Jesus you look like complete shit what the hell have you done to yourself.’
Marco took a deep breath, followed by a deep sip of his beer. He wanted to come clean with Matt. But he knew it meant telling him that he had purposefully cut him off. He also knew he had no other choice. Matt was the only person in London he knew he could rely on.
‘I’m in some serious trouble Matt.’
‘Id gathered that much already mate. But listen mate, I know we haven’t spoken for a while but none of that matters ok. Just tell me what’s been going on and we’ll see what we can do.
Marco tried to begin but the moment he opened his mouth he broke down again. His tears were tears of exhaustion, of relief to be sitting once again with Matt and of fear. Marco felt scared to death.
‘It’s ok mate, look, just do your best to relax, there’s no hurry ok. I’m going to go and order you something to eat and then you can take me through it in your own time.
Marco shut his eyes and focused on not crying. Instead he tried to force the events which had led him to now into some form of logical sequence. Things had changed so slowly and seemingly normally that it was hard to pinpoint where he should start. He certainly knew when things had changed in terms of his relationship with Matt. That was when he had stopped calling him and taking his calls. But the progression within the flat had been far more subtle. His greed had been a mistake. Moving to the Clubs had been a huge mistake. He had been making more than enough money dealing to his friends during the weekend. More money by far than when he had made working at the Bistro. The whole thing had just happened so easily; so normally. That was what had sealed it. The progression from the flat to the clubs. That’s the moment he had truly fucked things up.
Matt sat down once again, placing a large plastic order number in front of Marco, and waited patiently for him to begin.
‘I don’t know what to say Matt. I just feel so bad.’
‘Just take it easy ok. Just tell me what has happened. No matter what I’m on your side ok.’
‘Ok, but I want to tell you how sorry I am for not calling you. I have no excuse and I feel terrible and I have really missed seeing you.’
‘Listen buddy. Things like this happen. It’s not important.’
‘Ok. Well you know I was living at the Hetley in Brixton.’
‘Yep.’
‘When I was thinking of moving in to the flat, one of the guys who had been living there, a guy called Dan, told me he was leaving London but that he had been making good money by dealing at the house parties.’
‘Dealing what?’ Matt asked feeling worried for the first time in the conversation. He had thought that perhaps Marco had broken up with some girl or had had run out of money or something else he could solve with a few kind words, a bit of money or a little direction.
‘Pills’ Marco said sounding as ashamed as he felt. ‘We were talking one night before he moved out at a barbeque at the Hetley. I was telling him about how hard I was working and how I didn’t have enough money to leave my job and move in to the flat. Then he told me that he was going home to New Zealand and that if I wanted to, he could give me the rest of his pills and I could start selling them.
‘Go on mate.’ Matt tried his hardest to appear calm. He didn’t feel it.
‘Dan told me it wasn’t really like dealing. He said it was more like helping friend out and making some money at the same time.
Marco looked across at Matt and then lowered his head. Hearing himself describe what had happened and what he had done made him feel so ashamed. He knew how stupid he had been. He felt himself shivering less from the cold than from the nervous tension which was building up or being released.
‘Listen Marco, just relax ok’, Matt said warmly and seeing that Marco was struggling. ‘You’re not the first person this has happened to ok. You’ve made a mistake alright. A serious mistake but we all make mistakes. I’m not judging you. I told you I’m going to help you and I’m going to help ok so just go on and we’ll see what we can do.
Marco took a deep breath. ‘That’s how it all started. I was hanging out with the same group. There were parties every weekend. Sometimes at our house or sometimes at other peoples houses but they were always with people we knew. I started making lots of money Matt. More money than I have ever made in my life. I was really happy. I was making lots of new friends and I was really enjoying myself.
Marco stopped for a second and then lifted his gaze which had been fixed on the pint he had clutched between his hands in front of him.
‘Matt I knew you would have told me to stop so I.’ Marco trailed off.
‘Forget all that’.
Marco nodded. He hadn’t had a drop of sleep and he felt exhausted. He looked nervously around the bar to make sure no one was paying attention but the bar was now completely empty.
‘I know it was a mistake but I was making more money two nights a week than I had been making in an entire week at The Bistro. Then I started dealing in a couple of the clubs we went to. I know it was a big mistake. I don’t know what else to say. I got greedy. Most of the people in the clubs were people I knew so it stopped feeling like I was doing anything wrong. Just like in the flat. Then Shay, the girl who used to organise most of the parties at our house and knew most of the people from the other flats moved back to Melbourne so I wasn’t making as much money at home as before. I know it was stupid but I did it. The first night I made about 600 quid. The bouncers got to know me and told me if I gave them a percentage of my earnings they would make sure I wasn’t thrown out.’
‘Go on mate.’
‘About two months ago there was a really big party at the DD club in Brixton where lots of my friends. I don’t normally take pills when I’m working, but that night I did. The first one I took didn’t do anything so I took another one and then later they were both working and I was absolutely wasted. My dealer Simon was on his way in to meet me because I had run out of pills. By the time he arrived I was slumped in the corner. He must have been with a friend because they carried me out and put me in their car. This is all a bit of a haze to me. I can remember being in the back of the car. It was raining and I can remember being in the car, driving. Then there were flashing lights ahead the next thing I knew Simon and his mate were slamming the car doors and running and I was left sitting in the back, unable to do anything. The police found drugs in the car and arrested me and the next thing I knew I was in a police cell.
‘Jesus mate. This was two months ago?’
‘Yeah it will be two months tomorrow.’
‘So what happened? How the hell did you get out? Did they let you go?’
Matt did his best to hide the concern from his voice. Looking across at Marco he felt guilty. Personally responsible. Maybe he should have made more of an effort to look after Marco. He should at least have tried to track him down after he fell out of contact. He had known where he was living after all.
‘This is the problem Matt. I was sitting in there and there were these two cops. They both seemed about your age you know, quite young and they were telling me that I was in big trouble. I told them that I wanted to speak with a lawyer and then they told me that I could but they had plenty of evidence to convict me and that if they did I would probably end up in prison for at least seven years. That’s when they said I had another option.’
Again Marco paused, unsure where to look, hardly able to believe the story he was now telling and taking sanctity in the fresh beer Mat had just bought.
‘One of the cops looked at me and said that I didn’t need to go through all that. If I helped them they would help me. They said they could make the whole mess go away. They dropped me home, told me to keep quiet and said they would ring me the next day to pick me up and tell me what they wanted done. I was exhausted, tired scared and I just wanted to get out of there so I said yes. The next day they called me and I walked around the corner and met them and then we drove out to some part of the country side, I don’t know where it was but then they pulled the car over and turned off the engine. One of them then threw me a huge bag of pills. I looked at them and didn’t know what to say. I told them I didn’t understand. He told me that if I wanted to avoid going to jail I would have to work for them. They said there were two thousand pills in the bag and that I had to get rid of them. They told me that they would call me again at the end of the month. They told me that if I spoke to anyone about this I would go straight to jail and they had ways of making things a lot worse for me if they wanted to.’
‘Jesus. So what have you done?’ Matt was no longer worried about sounding unconcerned.
‘I managed to sell the bag to people over the month and some to another dealer I know and I thought I had done what they wanted. When I met them again at the end of the month to give them their money and they gave me an even bigger bag. I was meant to meet them yesterday with their money but I didn’t answer their call and I have been hiding out ever since. I don’t know what to do Matt. I’m really scared you know. I just want to get out of this mess and go home and forget all about it.
‘So what have you been doing since then?’
‘Once I missed the meeting I knew there was no way I could go back to the flat. I threw my sim card away ran to the Tube and took it to Oxford Circus and I’ve been walking around in the crowds for hours, all night, I tried to get some sleep but I couldn’t sleep. I was too scared. I’ve been walking around all morning and then that was when I called you you. I’m so sorry Marco said, tears streaming down his face, I didn’t know who else to call.
Chapter 24
‘Lets just ring the buzzer and see if anyone answers’ Andy said, grabbing Toby by the shoulder partly out of resistance and partly to keep himself standing. The day had started off as an afternoon by the river, a couple of beers and a catch up but as was often the case, two pints had turned into several pints.
‘Don’t be ridiculous mate we can’t go up there, we don’t even know whose party it is.’
‘Come on, the girls are out tonight, I’m not ready to go home yet. Look, lets just ring the buzzer and see what happens. Too late now I’ve pushed it.’
As they were about to abandon the idea the door buzzed open and after a brief pause, Andy march through the front door and up the flight of stairs towards the door that was slightly open at the top of the stairs. Before Andy had a chance to keep going Toby grabbed him by the back of the shirt.
‘You’re fucking mad you know that don’t you. We don’t even have anything to drink. We don’t know who the hell will be at this party.’
‘Relax Tobe we’re in now aren’t we, come on.’
Toby watched Andy push through the door and had no choice but to follow. As they moved through the entrance hall and into the living room which overlooked the street a few faces looked up before returning to their conversations.
‘What the hell do we do now’ he asked Andy, nervous and worried they would be sprung at any moment.
‘Look mate relax. I’ll find us a drink from somewhere, then we’ll introduce ourselves to someone and from then on we can say we know that person and that’s why we’re at the party. Simple right. Now stay here mate, I’ll be right back with a drink.’
In a second Andy had disappeared. Toby was alone. Shit. There were about three or four groups standing nearby but without a drink or an introduction he wasn’t prepared to try to break in to any of them. Instead he wandered over to the bookshelf which lined the wall closest to the window. Brilliant he thought. Alone but with a purpose. Browsing the books. A perfectly acceptable solo pastime at a party. So long as Andy arrived back soon with an introduction everything would be fine.
‘Are you a reader then?’
Toby swung around and the first thing he could think to say was sorry. It just came out.
‘No, no browse away. I only asked because I felt I should excuse my rather paltry selection. To be quite honest, I’ve only really taken to reading seriously in the past few years. I’m doing my best to catch up. I’m Charles by the way.’
‘Hi Charles very nice to meet you, I’m Toby. This is a great flat. I love Westbourne Park. I don’t get over here very often but it’s lovely round here.’
‘Thanks, yes so do I. Now Toby stay right there, you need a drink, I’ll be right back. Is wine alright?’
‘Thanks Charles that would be perfect.’
As Charles walked across the room leaving Toby alone once again his mobile started vibrating in his pocket.
‘Toby’
‘Andy? Where the hell are you. I’m stuck out here on my own.’
‘Mate we’ve got a problem.’
‘What?’
‘We’ve got a serious problem. Come and meet me in the toilet.’
‘What the hell are you going on about?’
‘Listen, don’t piss about. Just come to the toilet and I’ll explain everything.’
‘Ok, shit the guy who owns the place is coming back with a drink for me. Stay there and I’ll be there as soon as I can.’
‘Hurry ok, this is serious Toby.’
‘Ok’.
‘Here you are Toby; it’s a nice little white from Rueda in Spain. I hope you like it.’
Toby swirled his glass, narrowly avoiding spilling some of the contents over the rim of the glass and sniffing, took a restrained sip.
‘Very nice thank you.’ Toby had no idea whether it was good or bad. It tasted nice which was probably the key. The rest was for show.
‘So Toby, excuse me asking, there are just so many people here and I lose track, who did you come along with.’
Toby took a sip from his glass. Shit.
‘To be completely honest with you Charles, I don’t know anyone here.’ Here we go, Toby thought, expecting the worst and preparing for the swift exit that would surely follow.
‘No one. Really? How very odd. So how did you hear about the party?’ Charles stood in front of Toby, looking more bemused than accusatory.
‘I don’t know quite how to say this Charles, so I suppose I’ll just come out with it. I came here with a good friend of mine, a guy called Andy. I think he is in the bathroom at the moment. We spent most of the afternoon and early evening drinking and well, the truth is that we were walking past you house and we heard the music from the street and looked up and saw the party. Before I knew what was going on Andy had buzzed your buzzer and we found ourselves standing in your living room. I’m really sorry about all this, I don’t quite know what else to say apart from I am more than happy to leave if you would like me to.’
Charles stood silently in front of Toby digesting and pondering the story. He looked at Toby as if summing him up, as if deciding whether he posed any threat. And then, abruptly, roared with laughter, a high pitched cackle which caused people in neighbouring circles to turn around.
‘That is absolutely marvellous Toby. What a wonderful story. God I wish I had the balls to do that kind of thing. Of course you are welcome to stay. Absolutely marvellous. Now I must go and mingle, but come and introduce your friend to me when he turns up.’
Toby watched Charles wander away before walking quickly across the room in search of the bathroom.
‘Andy?’ Toby said knocking lightly on the toilet door.
‘Toby?’
‘Yeah its me. Whats the problem.’
The door of the bathroom opened slightly and Andy’s face appeared around the corner.
‘Come in.’
‘What?’
‘Just come in ok.’
Toby squeezed through the narrow gap Andy was offering and closed the door behind him. Andy’s face was white. He was also standing in his boxer shorts, his jeans in a pile in the basin.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Toby said looking at Andy, at his jeans in the basin and then back at Andy.
‘Mate you won’t believe what happened.’
‘Come on.’ Toby’s look of concern turned to one of amusement. He had been worried something serious had happened.
‘Mate, I was standing here taking a piss. I had my drink in one hand ok, stop laughing you prick this is serious. I was holding myself steady with one hand and I had my drink in the other hand. Then my phone started ringing.’
‘And?’
‘I thought it might be Alex and I wanted to speak to her so I let go of my old boy and was holding my drink in one hand like I said and I reached into my other pocket with my other hand to get my phone and my boxers flicked up and Mate stop laughing, I pissed my pants.’
Toby tried not to laugh. He tried without success. In a second he was roaring with laughter much to the irritation of Andy.
‘So who was on the phone?’
‘It was my bloody mum’
This made Toby laugh even more. After a minute or so he managed to calm himself down and focussed once again on the jeans in the basin.
‘Have you washed those then?’
‘Yeah but now they are soaking.’
‘Shall we leave then?’
‘Tobe, I can’t leave like this. They are completely soaked. TO get out of here we have to go back through the party and my jeans are completely wet. Fuck I need another pair of trousers.’
‘Unfortunately I forgot my spare pair tonight. Damn it I knew I left something at home when I went out.’
‘Tobe don’t piss about this is serious.’
‘I’m not the one who pissed about here Andy. Sorry. Ok. Look, I was chatting to the guy who owns the place before, Charles, stay here for a minute and I’ll go and see if I can have a chat to him and see if we can figure something out.’
‘Yeah but I can’t stay here any longer. People keep trying to come in and use the toilet.’
‘Ok, look, go into that bedroom next door. There’s no one in there and I’ll come and find you there in a minute.
Toby flushed to toilet for show and walked back into the living room. Jesus. What the hell are we going to do now, he thought. He felt like he would break down laughing again at any moment and the expression must have shown on his face as Charles approached with a bottle of wine.
‘What’s so amusing Toby and where is this friend of your’s. I’m very keen to meet him.’
‘Actually there is a little problem with that Charles.’
‘Oh really? More wine?’
‘Thanks. We’ll I’m afraid the news is not good Charles. My friend went to the bathroom before and anyway he just called me from there and it turns out that he’s had a bit of an accident.’
‘Oh really? Oh the poor chap, he wasn’t sick was he. Must have been all those beers in the sun this afternoon no?’
‘Actually he wasn’t sick Charles. Look this is very awkward and very embarrassing. Do you think we could discuss this somewhere a little more private? Andy’s in the bedroom next to the bathroom. I told him to wait in there because he was holding up people wanting to use the toilet. I hope you don’t mind.’
‘No no not at all. Let’s go and see if we can go and help him with his little problem shall we. Come on after you’ Charles said resting his hand on Toby’s lower back a little longer than Toby would have expected.
‘Charles this is my friend Andy. Andy this is Charles, this is his apartment. I’ve told him all about our gate crashing his party.’
‘Hi Charles, I’m really sorry about all this. Great flat you have here by the way.’
‘Not at all Andy. It’s a pleasure to meet you. But might I ask where your trousers are?’ Charles obviously saw the humorous side of the situation.
‘I think you should explain Andy’ Toby said smiling.
Andy squirmed visibly on the spot, not knowing where to begin. He looked at Toby for support and then back at Charles and finally, lowering his head, recounted the story for a second time.
‘This is quite a pickle you’ve got yourself into Andy isn’t it.’ Charles’ tone told Andy that at the very least he wasn’t at all angry about the situation.
‘I know. Look im very embarrassed by the whole situation. I don’t know what else to say.’
‘Say nothing. Its not everyday one finds an attractive young man in his bedroom trouseless.’ Andy looked at toby and then back at Charles unsure how to answer this.
‘Relax Andy im just teasing you. Look probably the sensible thing to do is for me to lend you a clean pair of trousers and then you can bring them back to me next week sometime or when you can.’
‘God that’s bloody kind of you Charles are you really sure?2
‘Of course I’m sure, though by the look of those lovely long legs of yours they may be a little on the short side.’
‘Short is better than wet Charles. Thank you very much.’
‘Don’t mention it again now here, throw these on and won’t you come and have another drink?’
‘Thanks Charles but we might slip away if you don’t mind, I think we’ve had enough excitement for the night.
‘Don’t be ridiculous mate we can’t go up there, we don’t even know whose party it is.’
‘Come on, the girls are out tonight, I’m not ready to go home yet. Look, lets just ring the buzzer and see what happens. Too late now I’ve pushed it.’
As they were about to abandon the idea the door buzzed open and after a brief pause, Andy march through the front door and up the flight of stairs towards the door that was slightly open at the top of the stairs. Before Andy had a chance to keep going Toby grabbed him by the back of the shirt.
‘You’re fucking mad you know that don’t you. We don’t even have anything to drink. We don’t know who the hell will be at this party.’
‘Relax Tobe we’re in now aren’t we, come on.’
Toby watched Andy push through the door and had no choice but to follow. As they moved through the entrance hall and into the living room which overlooked the street a few faces looked up before returning to their conversations.
‘What the hell do we do now’ he asked Andy, nervous and worried they would be sprung at any moment.
‘Look mate relax. I’ll find us a drink from somewhere, then we’ll introduce ourselves to someone and from then on we can say we know that person and that’s why we’re at the party. Simple right. Now stay here mate, I’ll be right back with a drink.’
In a second Andy had disappeared. Toby was alone. Shit. There were about three or four groups standing nearby but without a drink or an introduction he wasn’t prepared to try to break in to any of them. Instead he wandered over to the bookshelf which lined the wall closest to the window. Brilliant he thought. Alone but with a purpose. Browsing the books. A perfectly acceptable solo pastime at a party. So long as Andy arrived back soon with an introduction everything would be fine.
‘Are you a reader then?’
Toby swung around and the first thing he could think to say was sorry. It just came out.
‘No, no browse away. I only asked because I felt I should excuse my rather paltry selection. To be quite honest, I’ve only really taken to reading seriously in the past few years. I’m doing my best to catch up. I’m Charles by the way.’
‘Hi Charles very nice to meet you, I’m Toby. This is a great flat. I love Westbourne Park. I don’t get over here very often but it’s lovely round here.’
‘Thanks, yes so do I. Now Toby stay right there, you need a drink, I’ll be right back. Is wine alright?’
‘Thanks Charles that would be perfect.’
As Charles walked across the room leaving Toby alone once again his mobile started vibrating in his pocket.
‘Toby’
‘Andy? Where the hell are you. I’m stuck out here on my own.’
‘Mate we’ve got a problem.’
‘What?’
‘We’ve got a serious problem. Come and meet me in the toilet.’
‘What the hell are you going on about?’
‘Listen, don’t piss about. Just come to the toilet and I’ll explain everything.’
‘Ok, shit the guy who owns the place is coming back with a drink for me. Stay there and I’ll be there as soon as I can.’
‘Hurry ok, this is serious Toby.’
‘Ok’.
‘Here you are Toby; it’s a nice little white from Rueda in Spain. I hope you like it.’
Toby swirled his glass, narrowly avoiding spilling some of the contents over the rim of the glass and sniffing, took a restrained sip.
‘Very nice thank you.’ Toby had no idea whether it was good or bad. It tasted nice which was probably the key. The rest was for show.
‘So Toby, excuse me asking, there are just so many people here and I lose track, who did you come along with.’
Toby took a sip from his glass. Shit.
‘To be completely honest with you Charles, I don’t know anyone here.’ Here we go, Toby thought, expecting the worst and preparing for the swift exit that would surely follow.
‘No one. Really? How very odd. So how did you hear about the party?’ Charles stood in front of Toby, looking more bemused than accusatory.
‘I don’t know quite how to say this Charles, so I suppose I’ll just come out with it. I came here with a good friend of mine, a guy called Andy. I think he is in the bathroom at the moment. We spent most of the afternoon and early evening drinking and well, the truth is that we were walking past you house and we heard the music from the street and looked up and saw the party. Before I knew what was going on Andy had buzzed your buzzer and we found ourselves standing in your living room. I’m really sorry about all this, I don’t quite know what else to say apart from I am more than happy to leave if you would like me to.’
Charles stood silently in front of Toby digesting and pondering the story. He looked at Toby as if summing him up, as if deciding whether he posed any threat. And then, abruptly, roared with laughter, a high pitched cackle which caused people in neighbouring circles to turn around.
‘That is absolutely marvellous Toby. What a wonderful story. God I wish I had the balls to do that kind of thing. Of course you are welcome to stay. Absolutely marvellous. Now I must go and mingle, but come and introduce your friend to me when he turns up.’
Toby watched Charles wander away before walking quickly across the room in search of the bathroom.
‘Andy?’ Toby said knocking lightly on the toilet door.
‘Toby?’
‘Yeah its me. Whats the problem.’
The door of the bathroom opened slightly and Andy’s face appeared around the corner.
‘Come in.’
‘What?’
‘Just come in ok.’
Toby squeezed through the narrow gap Andy was offering and closed the door behind him. Andy’s face was white. He was also standing in his boxer shorts, his jeans in a pile in the basin.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Toby said looking at Andy, at his jeans in the basin and then back at Andy.
‘Mate you won’t believe what happened.’
‘Come on.’ Toby’s look of concern turned to one of amusement. He had been worried something serious had happened.
‘Mate, I was standing here taking a piss. I had my drink in one hand ok, stop laughing you prick this is serious. I was holding myself steady with one hand and I had my drink in the other hand. Then my phone started ringing.’
‘And?’
‘I thought it might be Alex and I wanted to speak to her so I let go of my old boy and was holding my drink in one hand like I said and I reached into my other pocket with my other hand to get my phone and my boxers flicked up and Mate stop laughing, I pissed my pants.’
Toby tried not to laugh. He tried without success. In a second he was roaring with laughter much to the irritation of Andy.
‘So who was on the phone?’
‘It was my bloody mum’
This made Toby laugh even more. After a minute or so he managed to calm himself down and focussed once again on the jeans in the basin.
‘Have you washed those then?’
‘Yeah but now they are soaking.’
‘Shall we leave then?’
‘Tobe, I can’t leave like this. They are completely soaked. TO get out of here we have to go back through the party and my jeans are completely wet. Fuck I need another pair of trousers.’
‘Unfortunately I forgot my spare pair tonight. Damn it I knew I left something at home when I went out.’
‘Tobe don’t piss about this is serious.’
‘I’m not the one who pissed about here Andy. Sorry. Ok. Look, I was chatting to the guy who owns the place before, Charles, stay here for a minute and I’ll go and see if I can have a chat to him and see if we can figure something out.’
‘Yeah but I can’t stay here any longer. People keep trying to come in and use the toilet.’
‘Ok, look, go into that bedroom next door. There’s no one in there and I’ll come and find you there in a minute.
Toby flushed to toilet for show and walked back into the living room. Jesus. What the hell are we going to do now, he thought. He felt like he would break down laughing again at any moment and the expression must have shown on his face as Charles approached with a bottle of wine.
‘What’s so amusing Toby and where is this friend of your’s. I’m very keen to meet him.’
‘Actually there is a little problem with that Charles.’
‘Oh really? More wine?’
‘Thanks. We’ll I’m afraid the news is not good Charles. My friend went to the bathroom before and anyway he just called me from there and it turns out that he’s had a bit of an accident.’
‘Oh really? Oh the poor chap, he wasn’t sick was he. Must have been all those beers in the sun this afternoon no?’
‘Actually he wasn’t sick Charles. Look this is very awkward and very embarrassing. Do you think we could discuss this somewhere a little more private? Andy’s in the bedroom next to the bathroom. I told him to wait in there because he was holding up people wanting to use the toilet. I hope you don’t mind.’
‘No no not at all. Let’s go and see if we can go and help him with his little problem shall we. Come on after you’ Charles said resting his hand on Toby’s lower back a little longer than Toby would have expected.
‘Charles this is my friend Andy. Andy this is Charles, this is his apartment. I’ve told him all about our gate crashing his party.’
‘Hi Charles, I’m really sorry about all this. Great flat you have here by the way.’
‘Not at all Andy. It’s a pleasure to meet you. But might I ask where your trousers are?’ Charles obviously saw the humorous side of the situation.
‘I think you should explain Andy’ Toby said smiling.
Andy squirmed visibly on the spot, not knowing where to begin. He looked at Toby for support and then back at Charles and finally, lowering his head, recounted the story for a second time.
‘This is quite a pickle you’ve got yourself into Andy isn’t it.’ Charles’ tone told Andy that at the very least he wasn’t at all angry about the situation.
‘I know. Look im very embarrassed by the whole situation. I don’t know what else to say.’
‘Say nothing. Its not everyday one finds an attractive young man in his bedroom trouseless.’ Andy looked at toby and then back at Charles unsure how to answer this.
‘Relax Andy im just teasing you. Look probably the sensible thing to do is for me to lend you a clean pair of trousers and then you can bring them back to me next week sometime or when you can.’
‘God that’s bloody kind of you Charles are you really sure?2
‘Of course I’m sure, though by the look of those lovely long legs of yours they may be a little on the short side.’
‘Short is better than wet Charles. Thank you very much.’
‘Don’t mention it again now here, throw these on and won’t you come and have another drink?’
‘Thanks Charles but we might slip away if you don’t mind, I think we’ve had enough excitement for the night.
Chapter 23
Hello Mate, Spencer said walking through to the back of The Cloud bar, Toby's hoxton local, a simple bar with floor to ceiling windows, a bar, a few comfortable sofas and very little else. Toby stood up and, placing his pint on the table in front of him, hugged Spencer, who he hadn't seen for at least four months. Four months, Toby thought. At Uni they had seen each other every single day, both nights of the weekend. But now it had all changed and probably because of Toby's own insecurity they had lost contact for at least four months, maybe more. When he saw Spencer?s name come up on his mobile he had been shocked. He had hesitated for a minute, not quite sure what he was going to say, which was incredible seeing this was one of his best mates.
‘Shit it's great to see you again mate, you look fantastic. Look at your hair; you've almost lost all trace of the city boy eh.’
‘Yeah’ Toby said laughing, still unsure of what to say. He felt incredibly guilty that he had let things slip away so far with these guys.
‘Look Spence’, Toby said settling back into his chair opposite Spencer who was struggling with his jacket to free his left arm. ‘I can't believe it's been so long you know, I really wanted to come on Guy's stag weekend but I'm not working in the city any more and I know I said I had to work but the truth is that I just didn't have the cash. I should have just said that at the time but you know.’
‘I thought that was the case anyway Tobe, don't worry about it at all, we all missed you though. But everyone understood; there will be plenty of stag doos so missing one doesn't matter at all. You're coming to the wedding though right? We all want to meet this new bird of yours.’
‘Yeah mate we'll be there.’
‘So how's all that going, shit I don't even know what her name is. I know you told me but sorry Tobe, it's slipped my mind.’
‘Saffron, yeah things are going really well. We're living together just round the corner actually.’
‘Traded up from the sofa in Shepherds Bush eh?’ Spencer said laughing, taking a sip from his pint. Toby looked across at him, sitting beside him on the sofa. There’s something about having a drink with someone you know completely. Someone with whom you don’t have to think about making conversation, or worry if there is a silence or you have nothing to say for the time being. It?s the kind of knowing someone which only comes from years of wandering around together, going out together, agonising about life together. Toby realised he had nearly let things slip away completely, not that you can ever really let a friendship like that go completely. But he had certainly lost some time because of a job which was ridiculous. What was even more ridiculous is his not seeing Spencer and the rest of his mates had almost been self imposed sanctioning. He had got sick and tired of not being able to afford things so instead of telling them, look guys I can afford this stuff you know, I’ve got a shit job and I get paid appallingly, which is what he should have been able to do with mates, instead he had let himself get caught up in the city bullshit of putting on a brave front and pretending that everything is fantastic all the time until they probably just presumed that he was making as much money as them and so didn’t think twice about asking him to go to places he couldn’t afford.’
‘Yeah, it’s been a pretty interesting change. When I first made the decision to leave it was pretty hard. Even a shitty job in the city pays a hell of a lot more than part time in a cafe, part time as a struggling writer but Saff is fantastic you know, she's so relaxed about things, doesn't really care about money, doesn't really care about where we go, so long as we're enjoying ourselves. It's quite a good situation to be in because it's thrown a lot of things into perspective.’
?Yeah? Like what, Spencer said as pleased to be back in the old routine with Toby as much as Toby was.
‘I guess it’s that I’ve always, or at least since I went on my gap year, wanted to write. I had an amazing time out in New Zealand in that hostel, I really got used to a sort of simple life or working a few hours a day, doing some writing, walking out in the nature.’
‘I always knew you were a secret tree hugger!’ Spencer said with a grin.
‘I must confess to having hugged the odd Punga.’
‘what the hell is a Punga?’
‘It’s a native New Zealand tree. You wouldn’t have heard of it as you are far too illiterate. But by the time I left New Zealand I was pretty resolved to not get caught up in the city like everyone else, not because it’s a problem but more because I tasted a bit of life in New Zealand that I thought I’d like to continue when I got back. But when I got back to the UK things didn’t really work out like that and you know, you need money so I took that bloody paralegal job and before I knew it I was jealous of people I didn’t even want to be and not only low on money but depressed by the fact that I wasn’t even doing what I wanted to be doing.
‘Yeah I think I know exactly what you mean.’
‘Really, I always get the impression everything’s going brilliantly for you. You always seem to be travelling and your involved in the deals, you know.’
‘I guess career wise it is mate, and I’m being paid heaps of money which is good but I don’t know, I think in the end, no matter how much you get and how impressive your company is at the end of the day it’s just a job. Obviously some jobs are better than others but when I first took over the sales for Europe I thought I’d won the bloody jackpot. I was twenty five; flying all over Europe business class, staying in nice hotels and people seemed to think I was influential in terms of their business so they treated me really well. But I’m travelling so bloody much I hardly see my mates, I feel like I’m living out of a suitcase half the time and I’m sick of meals out you know, I’d just like to have a normal routine where I could go grocery shopping at the beginning of the week, watch a bit of TV, catch up for a beer with a few mates, that kind of thing. The other thing is that I know if I want to get further ahead this is only going to increase.
‘It’s strange isn’t it?’ Toby said, not having thought properly up to know that perhaps these super mates of his weren’t all completely and utterly happy. When you’re down yourself, it’s easy to think that everyone is happy except for you but it was refreshing to actually hear that one of his so called successful mates actually had the same feelings of doubt and stress that he did.
‘This is just the point with quitting my job and giving this writing thing a bit of a go. It’s just stripped everything back to the basics. Living with Saffron also helps that as she’s very simple in terms of what she expects or wants, like I said, she’s more interested in being happy, having a nice dinner at home or a quiet drink somewhere local so there?s no pressure in terms of where I am right now.?
?Yeah that?s really lucky mate, I?d love to meet her, that?s the other thing with this job. I work all the time, even when I?m in town I rarely leave the office before half nine and by that time I’m so buggered I just go straight home. It’s actually really hard to meet a woman who isn’t from work and there aren’t any at work that I fancy. Being over seas half the time doesn?t help matters either.?
?I think the problem is that you have to decide far too early what you want to be when you grow up and then, living in a place like London, once you’ve started something and are used to having a little money it’s almost impossible to walk away from that for something less financially attractive. I guess that’s the one positive thing to have come out of being a poorly paid paralegal. It’s only hard to say goodbye to good money if you’re making good money. I got used to living on not much when I was in the city so now it just doesn’t seem quite so hard. That said, I’m not paying any rent at the moment which helps.’
Toby gazed across the bar and for a minute or so said nothing. It was such a relief to be honest with one of his mates about what was going on in his life. To confess that he wasn’t paying the bills, that his girlfriend was so that he could have a go at his passion. To finally admit that the last two years, though not completely wasted, had been far from the high-flying successful years they had enjoyed.
‘Tobe, you probably have no idea, but I really admire what you’re doing. We were talking a bit about you when we were at Guy’s stag do. I mean we weren’t talking behind your back or anything like that but naturally you came into the conversation and I think everyone felt the same as I do in terms of how impressive it is that you’re actually taking a risk and giving things a bit of a go. It takes a bit of balls and there are so many people I know, people at work in particular, who endlessly bang on about how they are unhappy and how they are going to leave and do this and that and in the end that’s all they end up doing. Pissing and moaning until you really want to say to them, Look, do something about it or shut up. I can’t listen to you wining on like some injured toad any longer.’
‘It’s nice to hear that Spence, I just feel a little bad that I haven’t been in touch much lately. Sometimes it takes getting away from things to work these things out clearly in your head.
‘Don’t worry about it. These things happen. The good thing is that you’ve found something you’re enjoying which is great. So how’s the writing coming along?’
‘Slowly but surely. I’ve had my first few pieces published in a local magazine and I’m talking to the editor about a regular column at the moment so that’s a good start I guess. The scariest thing about doing something like writing is that you can sit around and think to yourself I want to be a writer all you like, and you can even try writing a bit but in the end you always secretly worry that you are in fact completely terrible which is why it was a hell of a relief when my first piece was accepted.?
‘That’s great. I’d love to read it. So what are the next steps, if there are?’
‘I’m planning to keep writing and trying to get printed over the course of this year and build up a bit of a portfolio in different genres. I’m also considering applying for a Screen Play Writers course which is part of the BBC’s postgraduate programme but I imagine it’s highly competitive so we’ll see how that goes. Anyway part of the application process is putting together a small screen play so I’m also working on that at the moment.’
‘That’s brilliant. How’s it coming along?’
‘Pretty well actually. I’m managing to write it fairly easily but it’s the same old point, I just hope it’s the kind of thing they are after. I’m really enjoying doing it and hopefully it will be enough to get me in. And what’s new with you?’
‘Well Tobe, and this isn’t the only reason I got in touch, you know I’ve wanted to catch up with you for ages, but I wanted to also talk to you about Blake.’
‘Blake, why what’s going on?’
‘He’s had a bit of break down.’
‘What? Are you serious? Blake?’ Toby couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Blake was the most confident, most successful and generally speaking most relaxed of the lot of them. He was working for a successful Barrister in the heart of Holborn (look into chambers) had a fantastic girlfriend, great family, he seemed to have everything.
?Yeah, I don’t know exactly what happened but apparently his colleague from work came into their office on Friday morning noticed that Blake wasn’t at his desk but his light was on so went round to turn it off and saw him lying under the desk all curled up, eyes open just staring at nothing.?
‘Jesus, you’re serious.’ Toby said, knowing he was obviously being serious but saying it more out of something to say.
‘Yeah, she tried to persuade him out but in the end there was nothing she could do. She had to call in one of the partners who called in a doctor and he’s been at St Mary’s hospice ever since.’
‘God, has he said anything yet?’
?Apparently not, but that’s not completely unusual. The doctor thinks that given some rest he should recover completely.’
‘Shit, do they know what bought it on?’
‘The doctors said it is unlikely to have been caused by one event but that work pressure on top of a culmination of others stresses and problems was enough to tip him over. ‘He was hiding under his desk, shaking, and he didn’t say anything for a week after that. He’s been at the St Mary’s hospice since then resting. Sounds like work just got too much for him.’
‘Jesus.’
‘Yeah I know, it was a huge shock and I knew you’d want to know. I’m planning to go up and see him on Saturday if you want to come. I think it would be good for him to see some of his old mates you know. It’s about an hour’s drive so I could pick you up about 11 if it suits?’
‘Of course. God Spence, I can’t believe it. Blake’s absolutely the last person in the world I could imagine having problems like this. I had the impression he didn’t have any problems at all.’
‘Yeah I know what you mean. Perhaps he’s just a fantastic actor. It’s a bloody shock isn’t it. But I’m sure we can help him through it. Apparently work is being really good and paying for all his care and holding his job for as long as he needs which is good.’
‘That’s good though it’s probably their bloody fault for piling so much bloody work on his desk.’
God I wonder what’s been going on. It’s really strange to see this happen. You think you know people really well and then all of a sudden something like this happens. I’ve spent a lot of time envying Blake. Especially when I was a paralegal and he had his fantastic job. I’ve never even seen him lose his temper or act worried or anything like the rest of us.’
‘Neither have I really. But that’s the thing. He’s obviously been putting up a tremendous front all this time which can’t have been easy. Perhaps that’s why it’s got too much for him. Poor bugger. Hopefully seeing us on Saturday will do him some good. Anyway, enough of all this depressing stuff, do you fancy a bite, there’s a great Vietnamese place just up the road. Very dodgy interior but the food is fantastic, though it does come out suspiciously fast. What do you think?
‘Shit it's great to see you again mate, you look fantastic. Look at your hair; you've almost lost all trace of the city boy eh.’
‘Yeah’ Toby said laughing, still unsure of what to say. He felt incredibly guilty that he had let things slip away so far with these guys.
‘Look Spence’, Toby said settling back into his chair opposite Spencer who was struggling with his jacket to free his left arm. ‘I can't believe it's been so long you know, I really wanted to come on Guy's stag weekend but I'm not working in the city any more and I know I said I had to work but the truth is that I just didn't have the cash. I should have just said that at the time but you know.’
‘I thought that was the case anyway Tobe, don't worry about it at all, we all missed you though. But everyone understood; there will be plenty of stag doos so missing one doesn't matter at all. You're coming to the wedding though right? We all want to meet this new bird of yours.’
‘Yeah mate we'll be there.’
‘So how's all that going, shit I don't even know what her name is. I know you told me but sorry Tobe, it's slipped my mind.’
‘Saffron, yeah things are going really well. We're living together just round the corner actually.’
‘Traded up from the sofa in Shepherds Bush eh?’ Spencer said laughing, taking a sip from his pint. Toby looked across at him, sitting beside him on the sofa. There’s something about having a drink with someone you know completely. Someone with whom you don’t have to think about making conversation, or worry if there is a silence or you have nothing to say for the time being. It?s the kind of knowing someone which only comes from years of wandering around together, going out together, agonising about life together. Toby realised he had nearly let things slip away completely, not that you can ever really let a friendship like that go completely. But he had certainly lost some time because of a job which was ridiculous. What was even more ridiculous is his not seeing Spencer and the rest of his mates had almost been self imposed sanctioning. He had got sick and tired of not being able to afford things so instead of telling them, look guys I can afford this stuff you know, I’ve got a shit job and I get paid appallingly, which is what he should have been able to do with mates, instead he had let himself get caught up in the city bullshit of putting on a brave front and pretending that everything is fantastic all the time until they probably just presumed that he was making as much money as them and so didn’t think twice about asking him to go to places he couldn’t afford.’
‘Yeah, it’s been a pretty interesting change. When I first made the decision to leave it was pretty hard. Even a shitty job in the city pays a hell of a lot more than part time in a cafe, part time as a struggling writer but Saff is fantastic you know, she's so relaxed about things, doesn't really care about money, doesn't really care about where we go, so long as we're enjoying ourselves. It's quite a good situation to be in because it's thrown a lot of things into perspective.’
?Yeah? Like what, Spencer said as pleased to be back in the old routine with Toby as much as Toby was.
‘I guess it’s that I’ve always, or at least since I went on my gap year, wanted to write. I had an amazing time out in New Zealand in that hostel, I really got used to a sort of simple life or working a few hours a day, doing some writing, walking out in the nature.’
‘I always knew you were a secret tree hugger!’ Spencer said with a grin.
‘I must confess to having hugged the odd Punga.’
‘what the hell is a Punga?’
‘It’s a native New Zealand tree. You wouldn’t have heard of it as you are far too illiterate. But by the time I left New Zealand I was pretty resolved to not get caught up in the city like everyone else, not because it’s a problem but more because I tasted a bit of life in New Zealand that I thought I’d like to continue when I got back. But when I got back to the UK things didn’t really work out like that and you know, you need money so I took that bloody paralegal job and before I knew it I was jealous of people I didn’t even want to be and not only low on money but depressed by the fact that I wasn’t even doing what I wanted to be doing.
‘Yeah I think I know exactly what you mean.’
‘Really, I always get the impression everything’s going brilliantly for you. You always seem to be travelling and your involved in the deals, you know.’
‘I guess career wise it is mate, and I’m being paid heaps of money which is good but I don’t know, I think in the end, no matter how much you get and how impressive your company is at the end of the day it’s just a job. Obviously some jobs are better than others but when I first took over the sales for Europe I thought I’d won the bloody jackpot. I was twenty five; flying all over Europe business class, staying in nice hotels and people seemed to think I was influential in terms of their business so they treated me really well. But I’m travelling so bloody much I hardly see my mates, I feel like I’m living out of a suitcase half the time and I’m sick of meals out you know, I’d just like to have a normal routine where I could go grocery shopping at the beginning of the week, watch a bit of TV, catch up for a beer with a few mates, that kind of thing. The other thing is that I know if I want to get further ahead this is only going to increase.
‘It’s strange isn’t it?’ Toby said, not having thought properly up to know that perhaps these super mates of his weren’t all completely and utterly happy. When you’re down yourself, it’s easy to think that everyone is happy except for you but it was refreshing to actually hear that one of his so called successful mates actually had the same feelings of doubt and stress that he did.
‘This is just the point with quitting my job and giving this writing thing a bit of a go. It’s just stripped everything back to the basics. Living with Saffron also helps that as she’s very simple in terms of what she expects or wants, like I said, she’s more interested in being happy, having a nice dinner at home or a quiet drink somewhere local so there?s no pressure in terms of where I am right now.?
?Yeah that?s really lucky mate, I?d love to meet her, that?s the other thing with this job. I work all the time, even when I?m in town I rarely leave the office before half nine and by that time I’m so buggered I just go straight home. It’s actually really hard to meet a woman who isn’t from work and there aren’t any at work that I fancy. Being over seas half the time doesn?t help matters either.?
?I think the problem is that you have to decide far too early what you want to be when you grow up and then, living in a place like London, once you’ve started something and are used to having a little money it’s almost impossible to walk away from that for something less financially attractive. I guess that’s the one positive thing to have come out of being a poorly paid paralegal. It’s only hard to say goodbye to good money if you’re making good money. I got used to living on not much when I was in the city so now it just doesn’t seem quite so hard. That said, I’m not paying any rent at the moment which helps.’
Toby gazed across the bar and for a minute or so said nothing. It was such a relief to be honest with one of his mates about what was going on in his life. To confess that he wasn’t paying the bills, that his girlfriend was so that he could have a go at his passion. To finally admit that the last two years, though not completely wasted, had been far from the high-flying successful years they had enjoyed.
‘Tobe, you probably have no idea, but I really admire what you’re doing. We were talking a bit about you when we were at Guy’s stag do. I mean we weren’t talking behind your back or anything like that but naturally you came into the conversation and I think everyone felt the same as I do in terms of how impressive it is that you’re actually taking a risk and giving things a bit of a go. It takes a bit of balls and there are so many people I know, people at work in particular, who endlessly bang on about how they are unhappy and how they are going to leave and do this and that and in the end that’s all they end up doing. Pissing and moaning until you really want to say to them, Look, do something about it or shut up. I can’t listen to you wining on like some injured toad any longer.’
‘It’s nice to hear that Spence, I just feel a little bad that I haven’t been in touch much lately. Sometimes it takes getting away from things to work these things out clearly in your head.
‘Don’t worry about it. These things happen. The good thing is that you’ve found something you’re enjoying which is great. So how’s the writing coming along?’
‘Slowly but surely. I’ve had my first few pieces published in a local magazine and I’m talking to the editor about a regular column at the moment so that’s a good start I guess. The scariest thing about doing something like writing is that you can sit around and think to yourself I want to be a writer all you like, and you can even try writing a bit but in the end you always secretly worry that you are in fact completely terrible which is why it was a hell of a relief when my first piece was accepted.?
‘That’s great. I’d love to read it. So what are the next steps, if there are?’
‘I’m planning to keep writing and trying to get printed over the course of this year and build up a bit of a portfolio in different genres. I’m also considering applying for a Screen Play Writers course which is part of the BBC’s postgraduate programme but I imagine it’s highly competitive so we’ll see how that goes. Anyway part of the application process is putting together a small screen play so I’m also working on that at the moment.’
‘That’s brilliant. How’s it coming along?’
‘Pretty well actually. I’m managing to write it fairly easily but it’s the same old point, I just hope it’s the kind of thing they are after. I’m really enjoying doing it and hopefully it will be enough to get me in. And what’s new with you?’
‘Well Tobe, and this isn’t the only reason I got in touch, you know I’ve wanted to catch up with you for ages, but I wanted to also talk to you about Blake.’
‘Blake, why what’s going on?’
‘He’s had a bit of break down.’
‘What? Are you serious? Blake?’ Toby couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Blake was the most confident, most successful and generally speaking most relaxed of the lot of them. He was working for a successful Barrister in the heart of Holborn (look into chambers) had a fantastic girlfriend, great family, he seemed to have everything.
?Yeah, I don’t know exactly what happened but apparently his colleague from work came into their office on Friday morning noticed that Blake wasn’t at his desk but his light was on so went round to turn it off and saw him lying under the desk all curled up, eyes open just staring at nothing.?
‘Jesus, you’re serious.’ Toby said, knowing he was obviously being serious but saying it more out of something to say.
‘Yeah, she tried to persuade him out but in the end there was nothing she could do. She had to call in one of the partners who called in a doctor and he’s been at St Mary’s hospice ever since.’
‘God, has he said anything yet?’
?Apparently not, but that’s not completely unusual. The doctor thinks that given some rest he should recover completely.’
‘Shit, do they know what bought it on?’
‘The doctors said it is unlikely to have been caused by one event but that work pressure on top of a culmination of others stresses and problems was enough to tip him over. ‘He was hiding under his desk, shaking, and he didn’t say anything for a week after that. He’s been at the St Mary’s hospice since then resting. Sounds like work just got too much for him.’
‘Jesus.’
‘Yeah I know, it was a huge shock and I knew you’d want to know. I’m planning to go up and see him on Saturday if you want to come. I think it would be good for him to see some of his old mates you know. It’s about an hour’s drive so I could pick you up about 11 if it suits?’
‘Of course. God Spence, I can’t believe it. Blake’s absolutely the last person in the world I could imagine having problems like this. I had the impression he didn’t have any problems at all.’
‘Yeah I know what you mean. Perhaps he’s just a fantastic actor. It’s a bloody shock isn’t it. But I’m sure we can help him through it. Apparently work is being really good and paying for all his care and holding his job for as long as he needs which is good.’
‘That’s good though it’s probably their bloody fault for piling so much bloody work on his desk.’
God I wonder what’s been going on. It’s really strange to see this happen. You think you know people really well and then all of a sudden something like this happens. I’ve spent a lot of time envying Blake. Especially when I was a paralegal and he had his fantastic job. I’ve never even seen him lose his temper or act worried or anything like the rest of us.’
‘Neither have I really. But that’s the thing. He’s obviously been putting up a tremendous front all this time which can’t have been easy. Perhaps that’s why it’s got too much for him. Poor bugger. Hopefully seeing us on Saturday will do him some good. Anyway, enough of all this depressing stuff, do you fancy a bite, there’s a great Vietnamese place just up the road. Very dodgy interior but the food is fantastic, though it does come out suspiciously fast. What do you think?
Chapter 22
‘OK Toby we'll be back in about an hour. Behave yourself.’
‘Do you feel like going anywhere in particular’ Saffron said as she and Alex turned into the street and started walking up (insert street name, idea of the directions)
‘I don't mind walking actually, why don't we walk down towards brick lane?’
‘Great I know some fantastic little cafe's down there if we get thirsty. So did you have a good time last weekend?’
‘It was fantastic, thanks so much for inviting me. God I miss doing that kind of thing. James never wants to go out like that.’
‘So how has it been this week’ Saffron said, not wanting to probe too far, preferring to let Alex talk at her own speed and pace.
‘He's been pretty frosty. He doesn't like me going out with people when he's not there. God knows why. Maybe it's just insecurity or something like that but he gets really pissed off. Anyway he's hardly spoken to me all this week.’
They walked along for a while, not really saying anything. Saffron knew that Alex was in a bad situation. She was far to young to be controlled like this and far too sprightly to be staying in every Saturday night playing the traditional wife to some out dated controlling boyfriend or husband who seemed to be intent on moulding a suitable wife. She had seen how much Alex had lighted up at the gig, how much she had enjoyed herself and could just see what an effect marrying someone like the James she had described would have on her personality. But she also knew it was something Alex had to decide, she would have to come to conclusions on her own and Saffron didn't want to be the one to put the words into her mouth which was why, for now she was happy to wander along silently and wait for Alex to say whatever it was she wanted to say.
‘You know’ Alex said finding her voice, ‘the problem with meeting someone when you are at university is that when you go to university you are usually the same people, you've all gone through school, had a similar upbringing that kind of thing and its so easy to feel like you have something in common. But by the time you leave you can be completely different people but you're still together and then one day you look at the other person and you can't figure out what the hell you have in common apart from your past. Am I making any sense?’
‘Perfectly’ Saffron said waiting a moment before answering unless Alex wanted to continue.
‘I just think that the person you are when you're seventeen or eighteen compared to the person you are when you're twenty four can be worlds apart. When I met James I thought wow, he's an intelligent guy, he seems on-to- it, he's got a great career ahead of him, and I don't know, we were at Uni, it was all fairly easy, and it made sense. But now I’m twenty three, and we're engaged and I look at him and I look at what we've done together over the past for years and apart from building a large DVD collection we have bugger all to show for it.’
Saffron laughed and linked arms with Alex as a cold wind whipped down Great Eastern Road, cutting through her coat, an item in which she knew she should have invested more money in.
‘God it's freezing here isn't it. Let's duck around the back of Spittlefields and up to Brick Lane that way’ Saffron said crossing the road into Quaker street which immediately felt more protected from the wind and considerably warmer.
‘I know exactly what you mean Alex’ Saffron said returning once again to the conversation, ‘I've got loads of friends who have broken up with their University boyfriends or girlfriends recently for that very reason. They've got to twenty something and they are really into bands when the other person is into clubbing, or the theatre or not going out or what ever and they realise that they couldn't be further apart. And I also think this is the ideal age for refining who you are, and doing that yourself is important. I don't think it's right to just be told at twenty three how you should and how you shouldn't behave. That's the thing about being in a place like London isn't it? There are so many options, you can try everything once and then say right, this is the kind of person I am, this is what I like doing, I don't like doing that, I believe in this, you know, but I think these are definitely decisions you have to make yourself, not be told that you should like this or you shouldn't go there. Sorry, god I can go on and on can't I.’
‘No Saff, I really appreciate having someone to talk to about this. This has been the hardest thing really. Until I met you guys recently I really had no one to speak to about this. Like I said, my parents are in the Pro-James camp and I’ve practically lost all of my friends because we never go out and as I keep trying to tell James you have to see friends for them to remain friends, otherwise you just fall out of contact and then you have nothing in common any more. The other thing is that I have spent a lot of time defending him which I suppose comes down to the fact that it’s easier to defend someone’s actions when you are going out with them because otherwise, you have to face up to the truth that if you don’t like how they act then maybe you shouldn’t be with them and then if you start feeling like that then you have to do something about it. Sorry that’s all much mumbled, did that make any sense?’
‘Completely. I know exactly what you mean, though it sounds like you have decided to stop defending or justifying the way he acts.’
‘Yeah I guess I have really.’
‘I know it’s a great cliché to say I’ve been there Alex but the truth of the matter is that I have actually been in the same situation or a very similar situation myself. Not exactly the same situation obviously but I was going out with a guy at Art School and it was similar. I just assumed because we were both at Art School everything else would be fine. But there are all sorts of people in these places for all sorts of reasons. I love what I’m doing now but the industry is bursting with wankers who would rather bang on about the fact that they are an Artist or work in new media than focus on their interest in whatever medium it is that they are doing. After a while I realised that we had absolutely nothing in common, not to mention the fact that he was shagging someone else at the same time, and that ended.’
‘Jesus really?’
‘Yean, anyway where was I getting to with that. Ah that’s right the things is because of that I’ve had a few years pretty much on my own and figuring out what I like and what I don't like and then I just so happened to bump into Toby who when I first looked at him in his suit near the city couldn't have been a worse match but you know it turned out that he was very similar to me, and you know things are going really well.
‘That’s really great, you guys look very good together’
‘Thanks, but now I’m a bit confused as to how I was relating this to you? Saffron said feeling guilty that she had turned the conversation around onto herself. ‘Ah that’s right; I think the key is that it comes down to timing. Take me and Toby for instance. When I first started my job I was really impressed by the industry and the people and the fact that I was working in some converted industrial building in Shoreditch and being paid to do what I love. And if I’d run into Toby then in his suit I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance when he knocked my drink out of my hand.’
‘He did what?’
‘Ah that's how we met. He claims it was an accident but he basically walked into me in a bar and knocked my drink over so he went up to get another one for me and then we got chatting and here we are.’
‘What a nice story.’
‘Yeah it is and it worked out but it could very easily not have. By the time I met Toby, I had been working in the industry for over three years and had noticed all the wankery and precious behaviour and the we're so cool for working in Shoreditch’ and so when I saw him I was far more open to meeting someone different, even if they were wearing a suit. Hey shall we pop in here?’ Saffron said motioning to a cafe they were approaching as they started making their way up Brick Lane.’
‘Yeah, I’m freezing, let's go.’
As they sat in the window, clutching their coffees to warm up their hands and watching the streams of people fighting their way down brick lane past the rows of stalls, their faces emerging from their scarves Alex felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Just speaking about her situation with Saffron had made a huge difference. For a long time she had had no one to talk to, apart from her parents who generally told her that she was being selfish, ungrateful and after a while she had started to doubt her own thoughts. Which is probably why she had waited this long to do anything about it.
‘You know Andy gave me his number the other night’ Alex said after a few moments silence, and without breaking her gaze which was currently fixed upon an old man who was selling an assortment of foreign books, dolls with no arms, old car radios and a collection of battered shoes. How the hell does this guy make any money, Alex wondered as she peered at his collection of what was essentially other peoples rubbish. Or perhaps he never sold anything but just came down to be involved, or to have something to do with his Saturday and feel as if his life wasn't completely without reason or motivation.
‘What are you going to do?’ Saffron said, trying to hide her surprise. She had noticed them talking and laughing when she and Toby had been on the dance floor but hadn’t thought much of it..
‘I really don't know. I can't do anything until I’ve sorted everything out with James, what ever that is. I don't even know if I'm interested in Andy, maybe I fancy him because he flirted with me and showed some interest. Maybe I should have told him then and there that I have a boyfriend, Jesus I mean fiancé. God Saff how the hell can I have a fiancé, I’m only bloody twenty three? I'm not even near feeling ready for marriage.’
‘So you don't think you're ready to get married to James .’
‘No, I really don't. I feel like I’ve been caught up in the machine which I can't get out of. Girls are supposed to look forward to a wedding you know, get excited and talk about it with their friends, that kind of thing. I almost feel like I wasn't asked, I was told. He even asked me in front of my parents one night when we were all out for dinner together for New Years. They started screaming and shouting and ordering champagne and by the end of that it was sort of done. Mum booked a venue, she dragged me around the shops looking for dresses and all the while I was just sort of going through the motions you know? I should have said something, but then again, I've been going out with James for four years and I suppose I just thought, oh well this is what people do, this is life, this is normal.’
‘I don't want to tell you what to do Alex, but I think you're right. I don't think Marriage is something you should fall into or drift into. I know it's not always fairytale like the bloody movies but I do think you should be excited, you know want to marry the person your going to marry. And to me it sound's like this is just another stage you're drifting into.’
‘No that's fine, and I actually really want to hear your opinion. James is nice guy, there's no denying that. He's a nice guy and he's probably got a great future ahead of him but he's just so conservative, I mean already, at the age of twenty seven and I just don't see that changing. He's bound to get worse. Starting this job and meeting you guys and going out with you sometimes, it's really opened my eyes. I don't want to spend every bloody Saturday night home watching DVD’s, never doing anything new, never meeting new people. I mean I know he doesn't like clubs and bars and that's fine but shit there are so many other things to do in this city and he doesn't really want to do any of them. And I feel like if I carry on like this I’ll become like him, I'll have no real interests and then have nothing to say to people. Shit, Andy was asking me the other night what bands I’d seen lately and had I been to this venue or that venue and I kind of had to dance around the subject. I realised that I hadn't seen a band for nearly eight years and you know, when I was much younger, I loved music.’
‘I think this is the problem with so many relationships Alex, that people feel that they can't maintain any individualism or personal interests which aren't shared or dependent upon the other person. Which means that often the person you originally met and fell in love with has become this kind of diluted form of themselves, minus all the flair and spark, and one day you look at the situation and say, shit, we literally have nothing in common apart from the fact that we have been going out all this time.
‘Do you feel like going anywhere in particular’ Saffron said as she and Alex turned into the street and started walking up (insert street name, idea of the directions)
‘I don't mind walking actually, why don't we walk down towards brick lane?’
‘Great I know some fantastic little cafe's down there if we get thirsty. So did you have a good time last weekend?’
‘It was fantastic, thanks so much for inviting me. God I miss doing that kind of thing. James never wants to go out like that.’
‘So how has it been this week’ Saffron said, not wanting to probe too far, preferring to let Alex talk at her own speed and pace.
‘He's been pretty frosty. He doesn't like me going out with people when he's not there. God knows why. Maybe it's just insecurity or something like that but he gets really pissed off. Anyway he's hardly spoken to me all this week.’
They walked along for a while, not really saying anything. Saffron knew that Alex was in a bad situation. She was far to young to be controlled like this and far too sprightly to be staying in every Saturday night playing the traditional wife to some out dated controlling boyfriend or husband who seemed to be intent on moulding a suitable wife. She had seen how much Alex had lighted up at the gig, how much she had enjoyed herself and could just see what an effect marrying someone like the James she had described would have on her personality. But she also knew it was something Alex had to decide, she would have to come to conclusions on her own and Saffron didn't want to be the one to put the words into her mouth which was why, for now she was happy to wander along silently and wait for Alex to say whatever it was she wanted to say.
‘You know’ Alex said finding her voice, ‘the problem with meeting someone when you are at university is that when you go to university you are usually the same people, you've all gone through school, had a similar upbringing that kind of thing and its so easy to feel like you have something in common. But by the time you leave you can be completely different people but you're still together and then one day you look at the other person and you can't figure out what the hell you have in common apart from your past. Am I making any sense?’
‘Perfectly’ Saffron said waiting a moment before answering unless Alex wanted to continue.
‘I just think that the person you are when you're seventeen or eighteen compared to the person you are when you're twenty four can be worlds apart. When I met James I thought wow, he's an intelligent guy, he seems on-to- it, he's got a great career ahead of him, and I don't know, we were at Uni, it was all fairly easy, and it made sense. But now I’m twenty three, and we're engaged and I look at him and I look at what we've done together over the past for years and apart from building a large DVD collection we have bugger all to show for it.’
Saffron laughed and linked arms with Alex as a cold wind whipped down Great Eastern Road, cutting through her coat, an item in which she knew she should have invested more money in.
‘God it's freezing here isn't it. Let's duck around the back of Spittlefields and up to Brick Lane that way’ Saffron said crossing the road into Quaker street which immediately felt more protected from the wind and considerably warmer.
‘I know exactly what you mean Alex’ Saffron said returning once again to the conversation, ‘I've got loads of friends who have broken up with their University boyfriends or girlfriends recently for that very reason. They've got to twenty something and they are really into bands when the other person is into clubbing, or the theatre or not going out or what ever and they realise that they couldn't be further apart. And I also think this is the ideal age for refining who you are, and doing that yourself is important. I don't think it's right to just be told at twenty three how you should and how you shouldn't behave. That's the thing about being in a place like London isn't it? There are so many options, you can try everything once and then say right, this is the kind of person I am, this is what I like doing, I don't like doing that, I believe in this, you know, but I think these are definitely decisions you have to make yourself, not be told that you should like this or you shouldn't go there. Sorry, god I can go on and on can't I.’
‘No Saff, I really appreciate having someone to talk to about this. This has been the hardest thing really. Until I met you guys recently I really had no one to speak to about this. Like I said, my parents are in the Pro-James camp and I’ve practically lost all of my friends because we never go out and as I keep trying to tell James you have to see friends for them to remain friends, otherwise you just fall out of contact and then you have nothing in common any more. The other thing is that I have spent a lot of time defending him which I suppose comes down to the fact that it’s easier to defend someone’s actions when you are going out with them because otherwise, you have to face up to the truth that if you don’t like how they act then maybe you shouldn’t be with them and then if you start feeling like that then you have to do something about it. Sorry that’s all much mumbled, did that make any sense?’
‘Completely. I know exactly what you mean, though it sounds like you have decided to stop defending or justifying the way he acts.’
‘Yeah I guess I have really.’
‘I know it’s a great cliché to say I’ve been there Alex but the truth of the matter is that I have actually been in the same situation or a very similar situation myself. Not exactly the same situation obviously but I was going out with a guy at Art School and it was similar. I just assumed because we were both at Art School everything else would be fine. But there are all sorts of people in these places for all sorts of reasons. I love what I’m doing now but the industry is bursting with wankers who would rather bang on about the fact that they are an Artist or work in new media than focus on their interest in whatever medium it is that they are doing. After a while I realised that we had absolutely nothing in common, not to mention the fact that he was shagging someone else at the same time, and that ended.’
‘Jesus really?’
‘Yean, anyway where was I getting to with that. Ah that’s right the things is because of that I’ve had a few years pretty much on my own and figuring out what I like and what I don't like and then I just so happened to bump into Toby who when I first looked at him in his suit near the city couldn't have been a worse match but you know it turned out that he was very similar to me, and you know things are going really well.
‘That’s really great, you guys look very good together’
‘Thanks, but now I’m a bit confused as to how I was relating this to you? Saffron said feeling guilty that she had turned the conversation around onto herself. ‘Ah that’s right; I think the key is that it comes down to timing. Take me and Toby for instance. When I first started my job I was really impressed by the industry and the people and the fact that I was working in some converted industrial building in Shoreditch and being paid to do what I love. And if I’d run into Toby then in his suit I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance when he knocked my drink out of my hand.’
‘He did what?’
‘Ah that's how we met. He claims it was an accident but he basically walked into me in a bar and knocked my drink over so he went up to get another one for me and then we got chatting and here we are.’
‘What a nice story.’
‘Yeah it is and it worked out but it could very easily not have. By the time I met Toby, I had been working in the industry for over three years and had noticed all the wankery and precious behaviour and the we're so cool for working in Shoreditch’ and so when I saw him I was far more open to meeting someone different, even if they were wearing a suit. Hey shall we pop in here?’ Saffron said motioning to a cafe they were approaching as they started making their way up Brick Lane.’
‘Yeah, I’m freezing, let's go.’
As they sat in the window, clutching their coffees to warm up their hands and watching the streams of people fighting their way down brick lane past the rows of stalls, their faces emerging from their scarves Alex felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Just speaking about her situation with Saffron had made a huge difference. For a long time she had had no one to talk to, apart from her parents who generally told her that she was being selfish, ungrateful and after a while she had started to doubt her own thoughts. Which is probably why she had waited this long to do anything about it.
‘You know Andy gave me his number the other night’ Alex said after a few moments silence, and without breaking her gaze which was currently fixed upon an old man who was selling an assortment of foreign books, dolls with no arms, old car radios and a collection of battered shoes. How the hell does this guy make any money, Alex wondered as she peered at his collection of what was essentially other peoples rubbish. Or perhaps he never sold anything but just came down to be involved, or to have something to do with his Saturday and feel as if his life wasn't completely without reason or motivation.
‘What are you going to do?’ Saffron said, trying to hide her surprise. She had noticed them talking and laughing when she and Toby had been on the dance floor but hadn’t thought much of it..
‘I really don't know. I can't do anything until I’ve sorted everything out with James, what ever that is. I don't even know if I'm interested in Andy, maybe I fancy him because he flirted with me and showed some interest. Maybe I should have told him then and there that I have a boyfriend, Jesus I mean fiancé. God Saff how the hell can I have a fiancé, I’m only bloody twenty three? I'm not even near feeling ready for marriage.’
‘So you don't think you're ready to get married to James .’
‘No, I really don't. I feel like I’ve been caught up in the machine which I can't get out of. Girls are supposed to look forward to a wedding you know, get excited and talk about it with their friends, that kind of thing. I almost feel like I wasn't asked, I was told. He even asked me in front of my parents one night when we were all out for dinner together for New Years. They started screaming and shouting and ordering champagne and by the end of that it was sort of done. Mum booked a venue, she dragged me around the shops looking for dresses and all the while I was just sort of going through the motions you know? I should have said something, but then again, I've been going out with James for four years and I suppose I just thought, oh well this is what people do, this is life, this is normal.’
‘I don't want to tell you what to do Alex, but I think you're right. I don't think Marriage is something you should fall into or drift into. I know it's not always fairytale like the bloody movies but I do think you should be excited, you know want to marry the person your going to marry. And to me it sound's like this is just another stage you're drifting into.’
‘No that's fine, and I actually really want to hear your opinion. James is nice guy, there's no denying that. He's a nice guy and he's probably got a great future ahead of him but he's just so conservative, I mean already, at the age of twenty seven and I just don't see that changing. He's bound to get worse. Starting this job and meeting you guys and going out with you sometimes, it's really opened my eyes. I don't want to spend every bloody Saturday night home watching DVD’s, never doing anything new, never meeting new people. I mean I know he doesn't like clubs and bars and that's fine but shit there are so many other things to do in this city and he doesn't really want to do any of them. And I feel like if I carry on like this I’ll become like him, I'll have no real interests and then have nothing to say to people. Shit, Andy was asking me the other night what bands I’d seen lately and had I been to this venue or that venue and I kind of had to dance around the subject. I realised that I hadn't seen a band for nearly eight years and you know, when I was much younger, I loved music.’
‘I think this is the problem with so many relationships Alex, that people feel that they can't maintain any individualism or personal interests which aren't shared or dependent upon the other person. Which means that often the person you originally met and fell in love with has become this kind of diluted form of themselves, minus all the flair and spark, and one day you look at the situation and say, shit, we literally have nothing in common apart from the fact that we have been going out all this time.
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