‘My god look at you’re bump Selia’, Saffron said opening the door and ushering Selia in out of the cold. ‘So how did it go.’ Selia followed Saffron in to the living room and threw her coat over the sofa. ‘I still think they shouldn’t have had to question you in your condition’, Saffron continued.
Selia pulled her jumper down over her stomach and unbuttoned the top button of her jeans. ‘I felt the same but I also know but I was so tied up in the case. I guess they just had to make sure I wasn’t involved in what Steven was doing voluntarily. Anyway they figured that out pretty quickly. It was actually incredible how sophisticated his scam was. My luck was that Steven never let me in on what work I was doing. I was just ignorantly working away believing I was helping to draft trusts.’
‘So what’s going to happen now?’
‘With Steven I’m not sure yet but I would imagine he’ll be disbarred and probably go to prison. Apparently he stole over thirty million pounds from his client’s trust accounts which he managed to hide through a network of fake investment funds which he managed through a company he owned. No wonder I had no idea what was going on. The irony is that I was involved in drafting all these documents which means that the experience I gained was really high level compared to other newly qualified lawyers.
‘And what about you?’ Saffron asked tentatively. ‘Presumably this makes things a little difficult work wise? I mean it shouldn’t but I guess it must.’
‘No your right and I really don’t feel that I could keep working at that firm. The Judge told Charles an application would have to go to the law society outlining everything that has happened but that the most likely thing is that they will suppress my name and that the last years should count towards my qualification.’
‘God you must be so relieved’ Saffron said handing Selia a glass of orange juice. ‘.
Selia smiled. ‘I am relieved. And I don’t think I could have done it without Charles. He has been so great.’
‘He’s a very nice guy isn’t he.’
‘He’s incredible. You should have seen the way he looked after me during the trial. And what’s even more amazing is that he’s planning to meet with his collegues next week but he thinks he should be able to find me a job with his firm as a newly qualified lawyer. I´m in a bit of a daze really Saffron. I´ve never known anyone to be so kind to me and I don’t quite understand it.
‘How so.’
‘I don´t know. It’s just like you and Toby. When I think about the way I behaved when I first met Toby, there’s absolutely no reason in the world why he should have agreed to help me in the office that night let alone speaking to Charles about what was going on. And then Charles offering to take on the work and instruct a barrister on my behalf. I just don´t.’ The train of conversation and the emotion had got away on Selia and she started to cry. Saffron moved in a little closer and put an arm around Selia shoulder, rubbing it softly. She realised how fond of Selia over the past few weeks. As sad as it seemed, all this tragedy had somehow managed to knock the chip of blind ambition from her shoulders. She seemed much calmer than before.
‘I’m sorry about this’ Selia said wiping her eyes and grinning genuinely. ‘It’s these bloody emotions from being pregnant. Sometimes if I can’t find a pair of socks I burst into tears. But I really am feeling better than I have done for a long time. Anyway I take it Toby’s not here.’
‘No he had to rush in to the office to copy check a last minute document before the paper goes to print. I keep teasing him that he has gone from spell checking documents in a law firm to spell checking documents for a newspaper. He finds me very amusing.’
‘What a shame I would have loved to see him’, Selia said reaching into her bag and handing a small parcel to Saffron. ‘It’s not much, just a little journal. I saw it in a shop and thought about him and though he could write down his observations from time to time.’
‘That’s really sweet of you Seals. I’m sure he’ll love it.’
‘And how’s he enjoying the new job anyway?’
‘He absolutely loves it. It’s really made a big difference to him. He just seems more confident you know. He still finds it all incredible how it all happened and tells me that he keeps saying, almost nervously that if he hadn’t met Charles and then if you hadn’t had your problems then he wouldn’t have had to see Charles again and the job might never have come up. I think he still secretly fears that it’s all a little to perfect and that one day he’ll walk in there and that someone will come up and tap him on the shoulder and say, ha-ha got you and that he will be back to where he was.’
‘He’ll get over that’, Selia said smiling, her hand resting lightly on her stomach involuntarily.
‘God you’ve really started to show in the last couple of weeks haven’t you. You look really beautiful.’
‘Really?’ Selia said almost embarrassed. It’s amazing isn’t it? I think I felt him move yesterday. It was really faint but I’m pretty sure that’s what it was.
‘Have you spoken to your parents again?’ Saffron had thought about avoiding asking but she wanted to know. It seemed so unfair that she should have to deal with the pregnancy without a father for the baby let alone without the support of her family.
Selia sighed sadly. ‘Dad still isn’t talking to me. He still thinks that I’ve bought shame to the family and he bully’s mum so she calls me sometimes but she’s too bloody weak to do anything about it. That’s the hardest thing about this Saff. I really don’t think I care about my dad. I’ve been living under his thumb forever and I just think that all this has made me realise that I can’t continue living for him. Expecting a baby has changed the way I think. It’s hard to explain but I sort of feel like in many way’s it’s the end of one family and the beginning of another. I just know that I can’t keep worrying about doing what he wants. I have to focus on my baby and what we can do.
‘I think I understand what you mean’, Saffron said lying. She didn’t. She thought of a baby as a continuation and not an end but she also knew it was a huge achievement of Selia’s the realisation that her father had been destroying her for all these years.
Gazing at Selia next with her had resting softly on her bell Saffron realised how brave Selia was being. How much she respected her. Many women in the same situation would have chosen a very different path. She tool Selia’s hand in hers and rubbed it softly.
Thursday, 21 February 2008
Chapter 32
Alex walked through the terminal, tears blurring her vision. People dragging helpless overstuffed bags behind along them like stubborn dogs looked at her before returning their collective attention to where they were supposed to be and at what time.
Four months. Is that all it had been, Alex thought as she joined the cue waiting for the Luton Express, an appropriately depressing end to a miserable day. She thought about James and the three years she had spent with him. Three years and not an ounce of the excitement and fun she and Andy had packed into just four months. (check the dates make sense) As the bus’ sides opened the cue behind which she was standing dispersed, forming a new cue to be the first to pile their bags on. She wondered if it occurred to anyone that the first bags on would more than likely be the last ones off.
Alex handed over her ticket and walked to the back of the bus to where there were still some empty seats. As the engine idled below her, she rested her face against the glass and gazed at the terminal. In the movies Andy would come running out and wave down the bus and climb on and tell her he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave without her. But this wasn’t the movies and she knew he had to go. He had even told her he would be happy not to go to Berlin but she knew she couldn’t or rather shouldn’t stop him.
In the reflection of the window Alex could see her own image gazing back at her, a tear rolling down her cheek. He’s just over there she thought. Somewhere amongst the crowds of people waiting to be pilled on to over cramped plane like battery chickens.
In less than three hours he would be in Berlin and that would be that. The crash of the baggage doors shutting startled Alex. A moment later, final few passengers still finding the last remaining seats next to those already seated passengers who were avoiding eye contact in the hope that they might get to ride alone for the duration of the journey, the bus began to move. Alex was not so lucky.
`Do you mind if I sit here’ said a voice next to Alex which had sat down before permission had been granted. ‘God I never thought I’d make this bus. My bags took for ever to come out.
Alex forced a smile to her face but decided not to say anything which might be construed as conversation. She had been caught in these conversations before. Luton was a long way away from London and given the tendency for these conversations to wind on and on she thought it was better not to start. Again Alex wasn’t so lucky.
‘You’ve been crying my dear. Let me get you a tissue. I’m Silvia. I’ve just come back from visiting my son in Dublin. Have you been to Dublin dear?’
Alex smiled and said that she hadn’t. She knew that if she could put enough quiet between the conversations there was a chance it would pitter out.
‘Oh it’s a lovely city. Such nice people. I always have such a good time when I visit. Ah here we are I was getting you a tissue wasn’t I. Now I hope everything is alright. I hope you don’t mind me saying so but you look terribly sad. Airports are horrid places arn´t they. I try to avoid going whenever I can. I always try to say goodbye at home. The airport always seems so unnatural don’t you think. All that artificial light and artificial conversation. I think it’s much better to have a hug at the front door at home and be done with it.
Alex gazed out the window as the passing fields which seemed so distant from the concrete of Luton and the rush of London. She felt her eyes trying to close. She had hardly slept at all lying next to Andy who unlike her. He had spent all day rushing round packing and organizing all the things a normal person would have done weeks in advance and by the time they went to bed he had passed out with exhaustion. By the time tiredness had finally won the battle the alarm beside the bed went off and they had had to get up, staggering around in the dark to give themselves time to get to the tube to get to the bus to get to the airport.
Once again her stream of though was interrupted by the enthusiasm sitting next to her. ‘So who have you been to see off? Family or friends?’
‘My boyfriend’, Alex said as calmly as she could manage. She would have loved to tell ‘Silvia’ to mind her own bloody business and leave her alone but she couldn’t. She had that passive aggressive ability to combine ostensible kindness with shameless intrusiveness.
‘Oh I see’, Silvia said with a maternal voice. ‘It’s always sad isn’t it. And when will he be back again?’
‘He won’t’ Alex snapped, surprised by her own force and feeling instantly guilty. This surge of emotion was too much for her and, lifting her hands to her face as if to hide the shame she began to weep uncontrollably, her whole body shaking. She had managed to hold on until now. She had managed to avoid crying in front of Andy even though she didn’t know why that had been so important.
It was probably because she didn’t want him to feel guilty for leaving. What had got him to where he was and what had won him the scholarship was the very thing she loved about him. The fact he was prepared to drop everything in an instant to follow the chance in Berlin even more so.
Andy had been so sweet, Alex thought as she took another tissue from Silvia who had obviously decided that perhaps she had asked enough questions for now. The night before he left they had gone to dinner alone and for a while they had avoided the conversation talking about anything other than Andy’s leaving. Over desert Alex had fallen apart. Andy had moved his chair over next to hers and held her hand. They had discussed what they would do, what they might be able to do to keep the relationship going. His master was only two years. He had told her he loved her and wanted to stay with her if she wanted to stay with him. He had even asked her to come with him but she knew she couldn’t do that. Not after Jimmy had gone out of his way to help her find a job that she was finally interested in. And so they had agreed, neither of them knowing whether they were being naïve or just saying it to avoid the terrible realisation that what they had had for four months might be over forever. They had booked the first flight for Alex to visit Berlin in six weeks. Beyond that they had nothing organized apart from four month of history and the promise that they would give it a go. What more could they promise each other.
The gentle rhythm of the bus began to force her Alex’ eyes shut forcing a tear down her cheek which ran over her lip and into her mouth.
Four months. Is that all it had been, Alex thought as she joined the cue waiting for the Luton Express, an appropriately depressing end to a miserable day. She thought about James and the three years she had spent with him. Three years and not an ounce of the excitement and fun she and Andy had packed into just four months. (check the dates make sense) As the bus’ sides opened the cue behind which she was standing dispersed, forming a new cue to be the first to pile their bags on. She wondered if it occurred to anyone that the first bags on would more than likely be the last ones off.
Alex handed over her ticket and walked to the back of the bus to where there were still some empty seats. As the engine idled below her, she rested her face against the glass and gazed at the terminal. In the movies Andy would come running out and wave down the bus and climb on and tell her he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave without her. But this wasn’t the movies and she knew he had to go. He had even told her he would be happy not to go to Berlin but she knew she couldn’t or rather shouldn’t stop him.
In the reflection of the window Alex could see her own image gazing back at her, a tear rolling down her cheek. He’s just over there she thought. Somewhere amongst the crowds of people waiting to be pilled on to over cramped plane like battery chickens.
In less than three hours he would be in Berlin and that would be that. The crash of the baggage doors shutting startled Alex. A moment later, final few passengers still finding the last remaining seats next to those already seated passengers who were avoiding eye contact in the hope that they might get to ride alone for the duration of the journey, the bus began to move. Alex was not so lucky.
`Do you mind if I sit here’ said a voice next to Alex which had sat down before permission had been granted. ‘God I never thought I’d make this bus. My bags took for ever to come out.
Alex forced a smile to her face but decided not to say anything which might be construed as conversation. She had been caught in these conversations before. Luton was a long way away from London and given the tendency for these conversations to wind on and on she thought it was better not to start. Again Alex wasn’t so lucky.
‘You’ve been crying my dear. Let me get you a tissue. I’m Silvia. I’ve just come back from visiting my son in Dublin. Have you been to Dublin dear?’
Alex smiled and said that she hadn’t. She knew that if she could put enough quiet between the conversations there was a chance it would pitter out.
‘Oh it’s a lovely city. Such nice people. I always have such a good time when I visit. Ah here we are I was getting you a tissue wasn’t I. Now I hope everything is alright. I hope you don’t mind me saying so but you look terribly sad. Airports are horrid places arn´t they. I try to avoid going whenever I can. I always try to say goodbye at home. The airport always seems so unnatural don’t you think. All that artificial light and artificial conversation. I think it’s much better to have a hug at the front door at home and be done with it.
Alex gazed out the window as the passing fields which seemed so distant from the concrete of Luton and the rush of London. She felt her eyes trying to close. She had hardly slept at all lying next to Andy who unlike her. He had spent all day rushing round packing and organizing all the things a normal person would have done weeks in advance and by the time they went to bed he had passed out with exhaustion. By the time tiredness had finally won the battle the alarm beside the bed went off and they had had to get up, staggering around in the dark to give themselves time to get to the tube to get to the bus to get to the airport.
Once again her stream of though was interrupted by the enthusiasm sitting next to her. ‘So who have you been to see off? Family or friends?’
‘My boyfriend’, Alex said as calmly as she could manage. She would have loved to tell ‘Silvia’ to mind her own bloody business and leave her alone but she couldn’t. She had that passive aggressive ability to combine ostensible kindness with shameless intrusiveness.
‘Oh I see’, Silvia said with a maternal voice. ‘It’s always sad isn’t it. And when will he be back again?’
‘He won’t’ Alex snapped, surprised by her own force and feeling instantly guilty. This surge of emotion was too much for her and, lifting her hands to her face as if to hide the shame she began to weep uncontrollably, her whole body shaking. She had managed to hold on until now. She had managed to avoid crying in front of Andy even though she didn’t know why that had been so important.
It was probably because she didn’t want him to feel guilty for leaving. What had got him to where he was and what had won him the scholarship was the very thing she loved about him. The fact he was prepared to drop everything in an instant to follow the chance in Berlin even more so.
Andy had been so sweet, Alex thought as she took another tissue from Silvia who had obviously decided that perhaps she had asked enough questions for now. The night before he left they had gone to dinner alone and for a while they had avoided the conversation talking about anything other than Andy’s leaving. Over desert Alex had fallen apart. Andy had moved his chair over next to hers and held her hand. They had discussed what they would do, what they might be able to do to keep the relationship going. His master was only two years. He had told her he loved her and wanted to stay with her if she wanted to stay with him. He had even asked her to come with him but she knew she couldn’t do that. Not after Jimmy had gone out of his way to help her find a job that she was finally interested in. And so they had agreed, neither of them knowing whether they were being naïve or just saying it to avoid the terrible realisation that what they had had for four months might be over forever. They had booked the first flight for Alex to visit Berlin in six weeks. Beyond that they had nothing organized apart from four month of history and the promise that they would give it a go. What more could they promise each other.
The gentle rhythm of the bus began to force her Alex’ eyes shut forcing a tear down her cheek which ran over her lip and into her mouth.
Chapter 31
‘Come on turn off the light’, Daniels said, staggering in front of Abi, trying to hold the glass of wine in his hand level. Abi had had to force control herself to not get drunk. She had changed the gin and tonic he had bought her in the bar to water while he had gone to the toilet and with a little encouragement it hadn’t take long before he had started getting drunk.
‘No I want to be able to see you.’ Abi beckoned him away from the light switch with a kiss and started dancing slowly to the music. She thought about Marco for a minute and how terrified he had looked when they had met in the bar with Matt. It was obvious then how hurt he must have been.
Pushing Daniel’s down into a chair Abi sat on the bed and reached under the base to retrieve her tobacco box.
‘What are you doing’ Daniels asked, his voice now noticeably slurring, before pushing himself upright in the chair to try to appear less intoxicated. Abi new she had to be careful. Too drunk and he was no use to anyone.
‘Here let me take that’ she said retrieving his glass and placing it on the bed side table. ‘Here come and sit over here with me. Abi patted the bed beside her and like an obedient spaniel, Daniels sprang to his feet. Forcing a smile to her face Abi tried to focus on Marco and his problems.
‘So you have hardly told me anything about what you do.’ Abi said, carefully placing a paper in one hand and picking a small pinch of tobacco from the pouch on the bed beside her. She opened the box and lifted out the small bag of marijuana. Daniels looked down at it and then up at Abi, but sitting there alone in her room she knew he wouldn’t say anything. Softly she ran the tip of her tough along the edge of the paper and rolled the joint closed between her fingers.’
‘I’ve already told you’ he said forcing his mind to stay on track with the conversation. He hadn’t eaten anything all night and the drinks were taking their toll. ‘I’m a detective.’
‘Wow, that’s amazing.’ Abi said placing the joint between her lips and striking a match and hoping she sounded sincere.
‘Yeah it is pretty interesting.’ Daniels said distracted, caught halfway between the conversation and the fact that Abi was now reclining on the bed, one leg crossed over the other.
‘Can you help me with my boots? Abi said raising her leg in the air and with instantaneous obedience Daniels was standing in front of her pulling them free.
‘Thanks, they’re so hard to take off. Here have some of this.’
Daniels looked at the spliff Abi was holding in front of him and hesitated.
‘Come on, don’t tell me you’ve never smoked weed’, Abi said encouraging him by kissing his neck and running a hand down his back. Daniels took the spliff from Abi and took a draw. Just this once he thought.
‘That’s better. Abi lifted herself up from the bed and turned the stereo on, at the same time pretending to take another large draw on the joint. She knew that she had to be the one in control. ‘Don’t you love music when you’re stoned? It’s like you can hear every single note.’
‘Yeah, hey give me some more of that will you.’ Abi smiled and turned back to face him. ‘You’re a bad boy aren’t you? Daniels smiled. Abi could see he was starting to relax for the first time. Straddling him on the bed as she had rehearsed in her mind Abi shut her eyes and breath deeply. Taking another small draw of the spliff Abi kissed Daniels’ neck.
‘Do you want to do something really sexy’ Abi whispered. Daniels, for all his vibrado looked almost nervous in the face of Abi’s control. He was obviously used to being in charge. I’ll need to blindfold you first.
Daniels smiled and gave no resistance as Abi tied a silk scarf around his head, covering his eyes. ‘Here you can drink some more of this while I getting ready Abi said. Daniels took the glass and sipped at it clumsily. ‘Here come and sit in this chair for a moment.’
Abi slipped out of her jeans and shirt and stepped into a pair of high heals she had left out for the occasion. Reaching into the top drawer of chest of drawers, Abi reached to the back and pulled out the box and, opening it, took the small bag from inside. ‘No peaking’ she said as calmly as she could. Her heart was now racing. She took another draw from the joint to steady her nerves and reached into her wallet for a note, rolling it smoothly between her finger and thumb.
‘What are you doing’ Daniels said with a grin on his face.
‘Just you wait and you’ll get a great surprise. Abi didn’t want him to look until everything was ready. She pushed the bank card down and the sliced through the small pile of coke in a quick chopping motion. Moving back towards the bed Abi slipped out of her jeans lay back and placed a small line on her belly, just above her panty line. Propping her head slightly against the head of the bed she reached over for her glass of wine and breathed deeply. ‘You can open your eyes now.’
Daniels removed his blindfold and Abi noted an instant look of satisfaction on his face. As he approached the bed Abi licked her finger and patted up the last few specs of coke from the small mirror which lay on the bedside table. ‘You like?’
‘You look amazing’ Daniels said walking over to the bed and sitting down beside Abi, running a hand slowly down her leg. Abi tried not to shiver. It was then that he noticed the small white line on Abi’s lower belly. He looked across at the mirror and the uncoiling note and then back at Abi. She looked divine in her black bra with her toned body and caramel skin. He breasts looked so firm in front of him and he traced her body down to the panties which were low cut at the front, he skin glistening smooth under the small white line. He knew what he should do. Weed was one thing. He had smoked when he was younger and that was no big deal. But coke was something completely different. He had seen enough scumbags through his job to never touch the stuff. But this was different. How could he walk away from this situation? He wanted to lick Abi’s body all over. He had never seen someone so sexy or act this way.
‘Here. Abi said, rolling the note tight and handing it to Daniels.’ You can try the inside of my thigh next.’ She could see that he wanted to and needed a little encouragement. ‘No come and kneel on this side of me so that I can watch you properly. It’s so sexy.
For a moment more Daniels hesitated and then, taking the note, he moved around onto the bed, and pausing for a moment to kiss Abi’s stomach, placed a finger to his nose as he had learned from TV and snorted the line slowly. Abi turned her face away for a moment.
Behind the curtain Matt zoomed in and pressed record. Playing the video back to himself, he turned out of the window and gave the thumbs up to Marco who was waiting in the bushes. The smash of glass from over the front door was enough to make Daniels leap to his feet and a look of terror came over his face.
‘Jesus Christ what the hell was that.’
‘I don’t know, Abi said pushing him away and forcing herself to look as concerned as she knew she should be in such as situation. ‘It sounds like someone’s trying to break in. Quick go and have a look.’
As Daniels hurriedly pulled on his jeans and ran out of the room Abi slipped off her high heals and pulled on her jeans and t-shirt which lay neatly in a pile at the foot of the bed. Walking calmly out into the hall she saw Daniels, looking extremely wired up and agitated by the front door, a pile of glass at his feet.
‘Can you check outside’ Abi said nervously. I think they might still be out there. Here you’ll need your shoes.
Daniels looked down at the glass and then back at Abi and, taking the remainder of his clothes from her staggered out in to the cold.
With a Smile Abi closed the door carefully behind him and turned the lock. In the background she could hear the sound of Matt’s car pulling quietly away.
‘No I want to be able to see you.’ Abi beckoned him away from the light switch with a kiss and started dancing slowly to the music. She thought about Marco for a minute and how terrified he had looked when they had met in the bar with Matt. It was obvious then how hurt he must have been.
Pushing Daniel’s down into a chair Abi sat on the bed and reached under the base to retrieve her tobacco box.
‘What are you doing’ Daniels asked, his voice now noticeably slurring, before pushing himself upright in the chair to try to appear less intoxicated. Abi new she had to be careful. Too drunk and he was no use to anyone.
‘Here let me take that’ she said retrieving his glass and placing it on the bed side table. ‘Here come and sit over here with me. Abi patted the bed beside her and like an obedient spaniel, Daniels sprang to his feet. Forcing a smile to her face Abi tried to focus on Marco and his problems.
‘So you have hardly told me anything about what you do.’ Abi said, carefully placing a paper in one hand and picking a small pinch of tobacco from the pouch on the bed beside her. She opened the box and lifted out the small bag of marijuana. Daniels looked down at it and then up at Abi, but sitting there alone in her room she knew he wouldn’t say anything. Softly she ran the tip of her tough along the edge of the paper and rolled the joint closed between her fingers.’
‘I’ve already told you’ he said forcing his mind to stay on track with the conversation. He hadn’t eaten anything all night and the drinks were taking their toll. ‘I’m a detective.’
‘Wow, that’s amazing.’ Abi said placing the joint between her lips and striking a match and hoping she sounded sincere.
‘Yeah it is pretty interesting.’ Daniels said distracted, caught halfway between the conversation and the fact that Abi was now reclining on the bed, one leg crossed over the other.
‘Can you help me with my boots? Abi said raising her leg in the air and with instantaneous obedience Daniels was standing in front of her pulling them free.
‘Thanks, they’re so hard to take off. Here have some of this.’
Daniels looked at the spliff Abi was holding in front of him and hesitated.
‘Come on, don’t tell me you’ve never smoked weed’, Abi said encouraging him by kissing his neck and running a hand down his back. Daniels took the spliff from Abi and took a draw. Just this once he thought.
‘That’s better. Abi lifted herself up from the bed and turned the stereo on, at the same time pretending to take another large draw on the joint. She knew that she had to be the one in control. ‘Don’t you love music when you’re stoned? It’s like you can hear every single note.’
‘Yeah, hey give me some more of that will you.’ Abi smiled and turned back to face him. ‘You’re a bad boy aren’t you? Daniels smiled. Abi could see he was starting to relax for the first time. Straddling him on the bed as she had rehearsed in her mind Abi shut her eyes and breath deeply. Taking another small draw of the spliff Abi kissed Daniels’ neck.
‘Do you want to do something really sexy’ Abi whispered. Daniels, for all his vibrado looked almost nervous in the face of Abi’s control. He was obviously used to being in charge. I’ll need to blindfold you first.
Daniels smiled and gave no resistance as Abi tied a silk scarf around his head, covering his eyes. ‘Here you can drink some more of this while I getting ready Abi said. Daniels took the glass and sipped at it clumsily. ‘Here come and sit in this chair for a moment.’
Abi slipped out of her jeans and shirt and stepped into a pair of high heals she had left out for the occasion. Reaching into the top drawer of chest of drawers, Abi reached to the back and pulled out the box and, opening it, took the small bag from inside. ‘No peaking’ she said as calmly as she could. Her heart was now racing. She took another draw from the joint to steady her nerves and reached into her wallet for a note, rolling it smoothly between her finger and thumb.
‘What are you doing’ Daniels said with a grin on his face.
‘Just you wait and you’ll get a great surprise. Abi didn’t want him to look until everything was ready. She pushed the bank card down and the sliced through the small pile of coke in a quick chopping motion. Moving back towards the bed Abi slipped out of her jeans lay back and placed a small line on her belly, just above her panty line. Propping her head slightly against the head of the bed she reached over for her glass of wine and breathed deeply. ‘You can open your eyes now.’
Daniels removed his blindfold and Abi noted an instant look of satisfaction on his face. As he approached the bed Abi licked her finger and patted up the last few specs of coke from the small mirror which lay on the bedside table. ‘You like?’
‘You look amazing’ Daniels said walking over to the bed and sitting down beside Abi, running a hand slowly down her leg. Abi tried not to shiver. It was then that he noticed the small white line on Abi’s lower belly. He looked across at the mirror and the uncoiling note and then back at Abi. She looked divine in her black bra with her toned body and caramel skin. He breasts looked so firm in front of him and he traced her body down to the panties which were low cut at the front, he skin glistening smooth under the small white line. He knew what he should do. Weed was one thing. He had smoked when he was younger and that was no big deal. But coke was something completely different. He had seen enough scumbags through his job to never touch the stuff. But this was different. How could he walk away from this situation? He wanted to lick Abi’s body all over. He had never seen someone so sexy or act this way.
‘Here. Abi said, rolling the note tight and handing it to Daniels.’ You can try the inside of my thigh next.’ She could see that he wanted to and needed a little encouragement. ‘No come and kneel on this side of me so that I can watch you properly. It’s so sexy.
For a moment more Daniels hesitated and then, taking the note, he moved around onto the bed, and pausing for a moment to kiss Abi’s stomach, placed a finger to his nose as he had learned from TV and snorted the line slowly. Abi turned her face away for a moment.
Behind the curtain Matt zoomed in and pressed record. Playing the video back to himself, he turned out of the window and gave the thumbs up to Marco who was waiting in the bushes. The smash of glass from over the front door was enough to make Daniels leap to his feet and a look of terror came over his face.
‘Jesus Christ what the hell was that.’
‘I don’t know, Abi said pushing him away and forcing herself to look as concerned as she knew she should be in such as situation. ‘It sounds like someone’s trying to break in. Quick go and have a look.’
As Daniels hurriedly pulled on his jeans and ran out of the room Abi slipped off her high heals and pulled on her jeans and t-shirt which lay neatly in a pile at the foot of the bed. Walking calmly out into the hall she saw Daniels, looking extremely wired up and agitated by the front door, a pile of glass at his feet.
‘Can you check outside’ Abi said nervously. I think they might still be out there. Here you’ll need your shoes.
Daniels looked down at the glass and then back at Abi and, taking the remainder of his clothes from her staggered out in to the cold.
With a Smile Abi closed the door carefully behind him and turned the lock. In the background she could hear the sound of Matt’s car pulling quietly away.
Monday, 27 August 2007
Chapter 30
Toby I’m sorry I’m late I was stuck on a bloody conference call and there was one of those people who can’t let the call end. Always one last bloody thing.
Charles thanks so much for coming. I feel so bad putting all this on you but the truth is I felt like we had noone else to ask.
Don’t worry about all that Toby. Now first things first and then we can get on to this horrible legal business. How would you like a job?
Toby looked as confused as he felt. ‘I’m not really doing the law anymore Charles, I mean that was the whole point of throwing away the paralegal career to make coffee if you remember.’
‘No no that’s not what I meant. Sorry, I´m rushing a little aren’t I. Where’s that damned waiter when you need him. No I was out with some friends on the weekend Toby and I hope you don’t mind but I got chatting about your and Selia’s situation. I didn’t name names of course and the person I was speaking with was a very dear friend so it won’t go anywhere I promise you.’
‘No that’s perfectly fine Charles.’
‘Anyway I was chatting to Richard, who is my friend about your situation. I still think it’s remarkable what you did Toby, chucking in the job and rushing off to become a writer.’
Toby breathed deeply and took a sip from his pint. ‘The thing is Charles, if you don’t mind me saying you’ve caught me in rather a bad patch about all that. The truth is I’ve been fairly low the past couple of weeks and I sometimes wonder if I´ve made some bloody huge mistake.’
‘How so?’
‘I just seem to have lost my momentum. I don’t want to waste your time complaining though Charles. I’m taking up enough of your time with this bloody situation of Selia’s.
‘Waste away Toby. I would like to think that we have become friends through all this haven’t we? I haven’t tried making any moves in recent weeks have I?’ Charles asked with a cheeky grin.
‘No you’ve been very well behaved thank you Charles. The problem is that when I decided to leave the job it was exciting and there was momentum which swept me along. I had just met Saffron and started working in the café and writing in the afternoons and that was exciting. I really believed that having no money and doing exactly what I wanted or should be doing was more important.’
‘Well isn’t it?’ Charles asked like a well trained listener.
‘I guess objectively it is but you know, I look at a guy like you and you have the security and the income and while what I’m doing probably seems romantic or idyllic it really is bloody hard. I seem to become really worried the last few weeks and I just can’t seem to shake it. In away this business with Selia has been as much for distraction as anything else but I’m just quite worried as to whether I have made the right decision. And I don’t want to dump this on Saffron who’s been great. Oh woe is me’ Toby said laughing.
‘Those are perfectly natural feelings Toby and I can’t pretend to know exactly how you feel regarding money and security because in a way I’ve always had that. I came straight into this job and have been pretty stable ever since. But on the other hand I look at someone like you and feel like a fool trapped in a system which is too cushy to give up and in which I know I will stay shamelessly until the day I retire.
‘Isn’t life fun’
‘Well it might just be a little more fun for you Toby if you would stop interrupting me with your miserable tale. Getting back to my friend Richard, what I didn’t mention to you when I saw you last time, mainly because I didn’t want to get your hopes up was that Richard is an editor. He’s a very successful editor actually and I was discussing your situation and telling him all about your throwing in the towel in the law and taking up coffee making.
‘Anyway Tobe he told me he receives hundreds of applications from exactly the same sort of people who have slipped off the end of the Oxbridge conveyer belt and he said if you would be interested he would like to meet you in person. He said he was hugely impressed by your ambition and courage in throwing away your career like that. Now I don’t know the details of the job or what you would do but, and I’m sure you won’t mind Toby, but I told him I knew you would be interested and so I have arranged for you to meet him for lunch next Thursday.
Toby sat paralysed and said nothing for a moment. He gave Charles a look of ‘are you serious’ before taking a sip from his pint to steady his nerves. He couldn’t believe it. He was too nervous to imagine that he might possibly get the job.
A blue folder slapped the bar in front of him which brought his attention back to the present.
‘Now Toby, while you let that mull over in that sweet little head of yours, I have had a good look through this file over the past couple of weeks and I’m afraid you’re friend Selia is absolutely right. This is a very serious fraud. All I can suggest at this stage is that she call in sick on Monday and come and see me at the office. I will see what we can arrange.
Toby felt stunned. He didn’t quite know what to say and his mind slipped between the file in front of him and the meeting on Thursday. Charles was grinning broadly. ‘I believe the next round is yours Toby.’
Charles thanks so much for coming. I feel so bad putting all this on you but the truth is I felt like we had noone else to ask.
Don’t worry about all that Toby. Now first things first and then we can get on to this horrible legal business. How would you like a job?
Toby looked as confused as he felt. ‘I’m not really doing the law anymore Charles, I mean that was the whole point of throwing away the paralegal career to make coffee if you remember.’
‘No no that’s not what I meant. Sorry, I´m rushing a little aren’t I. Where’s that damned waiter when you need him. No I was out with some friends on the weekend Toby and I hope you don’t mind but I got chatting about your and Selia’s situation. I didn’t name names of course and the person I was speaking with was a very dear friend so it won’t go anywhere I promise you.’
‘No that’s perfectly fine Charles.’
‘Anyway I was chatting to Richard, who is my friend about your situation. I still think it’s remarkable what you did Toby, chucking in the job and rushing off to become a writer.’
Toby breathed deeply and took a sip from his pint. ‘The thing is Charles, if you don’t mind me saying you’ve caught me in rather a bad patch about all that. The truth is I’ve been fairly low the past couple of weeks and I sometimes wonder if I´ve made some bloody huge mistake.’
‘How so?’
‘I just seem to have lost my momentum. I don’t want to waste your time complaining though Charles. I’m taking up enough of your time with this bloody situation of Selia’s.
‘Waste away Toby. I would like to think that we have become friends through all this haven’t we? I haven’t tried making any moves in recent weeks have I?’ Charles asked with a cheeky grin.
‘No you’ve been very well behaved thank you Charles. The problem is that when I decided to leave the job it was exciting and there was momentum which swept me along. I had just met Saffron and started working in the café and writing in the afternoons and that was exciting. I really believed that having no money and doing exactly what I wanted or should be doing was more important.’
‘Well isn’t it?’ Charles asked like a well trained listener.
‘I guess objectively it is but you know, I look at a guy like you and you have the security and the income and while what I’m doing probably seems romantic or idyllic it really is bloody hard. I seem to become really worried the last few weeks and I just can’t seem to shake it. In away this business with Selia has been as much for distraction as anything else but I’m just quite worried as to whether I have made the right decision. And I don’t want to dump this on Saffron who’s been great. Oh woe is me’ Toby said laughing.
‘Those are perfectly natural feelings Toby and I can’t pretend to know exactly how you feel regarding money and security because in a way I’ve always had that. I came straight into this job and have been pretty stable ever since. But on the other hand I look at someone like you and feel like a fool trapped in a system which is too cushy to give up and in which I know I will stay shamelessly until the day I retire.
‘Isn’t life fun’
‘Well it might just be a little more fun for you Toby if you would stop interrupting me with your miserable tale. Getting back to my friend Richard, what I didn’t mention to you when I saw you last time, mainly because I didn’t want to get your hopes up was that Richard is an editor. He’s a very successful editor actually and I was discussing your situation and telling him all about your throwing in the towel in the law and taking up coffee making.
‘Anyway Tobe he told me he receives hundreds of applications from exactly the same sort of people who have slipped off the end of the Oxbridge conveyer belt and he said if you would be interested he would like to meet you in person. He said he was hugely impressed by your ambition and courage in throwing away your career like that. Now I don’t know the details of the job or what you would do but, and I’m sure you won’t mind Toby, but I told him I knew you would be interested and so I have arranged for you to meet him for lunch next Thursday.
Toby sat paralysed and said nothing for a moment. He gave Charles a look of ‘are you serious’ before taking a sip from his pint to steady his nerves. He couldn’t believe it. He was too nervous to imagine that he might possibly get the job.
A blue folder slapped the bar in front of him which brought his attention back to the present.
‘Now Toby, while you let that mull over in that sweet little head of yours, I have had a good look through this file over the past couple of weeks and I’m afraid you’re friend Selia is absolutely right. This is a very serious fraud. All I can suggest at this stage is that she call in sick on Monday and come and see me at the office. I will see what we can arrange.
Toby felt stunned. He didn’t quite know what to say and his mind slipped between the file in front of him and the meeting on Thursday. Charles was grinning broadly. ‘I believe the next round is yours Toby.’
Chapter 29
‘Are you sure you’re still happy to do this Toby’ Selia said as they paused near the entrance office. Dressed in a suit with a file under his arm she hoped that it would be enough to get past the night security but a little smile from her was usually enough.
‘Of course. Come on lets do it.’ Toby smiled at Selia reassuringly. She was right in a way. He would never have contemplated helping her before but when Saffron had explained a little more about her past and the pressure she had lived under virtually since inception he had started to feel sorry for her.
Selia hesitated for a second and then they walked confidently into the lobby.
‘Late night shift eh’ Selia said leaning forward on the reception desk and beaming at the security guard who sat up from his newspaper. Toby couldn’t help noticing how low cut her shirt was, unbuttoned to the third button especially for the occasion. It seemed to be having the desired effect. Fortunately the security guard wasn’t one Toby remembered from his days in the office. ‘This is my boyfriend’ Selia said rapping an arm inside Toby’s. ‘I’ve left my house keys on my desk so I’m just going to pop up. You don’t mind if I show him my fancy office do you?’
Safely past Toby was impressed. For a girl whose life was hanging by such tender threads she was very natural at playing to her assets. ‘Well done.’ Toby said as the elevator door closed in front of them.
As the elevator doors opened Selia breathed deeply and swiping her card through the glass door which separated the sixth floor lobby from the offices directed Toby into the coffee room as they had planned. ‘I’ll be right back.’
Toby rested his back against the window which looked down on the dark street below and rested his eyes on the pot of crystallised instant coffee. He had spent so many hours two floors below taking refuge in the very same room. The design was the same throughout the building. At the time he had seen no way out. No way out and no way up. The paralysis of being a paralegal who made enough money to need to keep working but not enough to live properly. And then unexpectedly he had met Saffron..
It spooked him to think about it really. Within the space of less than six months his life had utterly changed. None of it he had planned. He had literally stumbled across the woman he loved, quit his job and now, thanks to a chance meeting with Charles and Andy’s loose bladder he was actually working in exactly the profession he wanted to be. Being back in the coffee room brought it all back to Toby. He shivered just thinking about what might have happened if he hadn’t accepted the drink with Dave. Dave the paralegal who was still Dave the paralegal.
A shadow appeared at the door which startled Toby who was still gazing at the coffee pot in front of him. ‘We’re alone’ Selia said calmly, holding her high heals in her hand. ‘Let’s get this over with.’
Selia closed the door softly behind them and Toby hovered nervously around the large, ostentatious desk which was the centre piece of the room. Behind the desk, a floor to ceiling window looked out over east London as the city crept ever further out.
‘He keeps his personal files in here’ Selia said sliding one of the tall aluminium doors back to reveal three rows of orange folders. ‘This may take a while. Sorry.’
‘Don’t worry take your time’, Toby said taking one from Selia and resting on the floor behind the desk and flicking on the small torch he had brought for the occasion. ‘Is there anything in particular I should be looking out for or shall I just flick through the pages’, Toby grinned.
‘Shit sorry, I’m just so bloody nervous’, Selia whispered, kneeling down on the floor beside Toby. ‘Anything which mentions The Heaton fund. Be a good boy and chronologise those for me too will you. Toby smiled at Selia but the light mood was suddenly broken by the noise of the glass doors sliding open on the other side of the hall near the elevators. Selia’s reaction was instantaneous as she leapt up, taking the file in Toby’s hand with her and slipped it back in the cabinet before slowly closing the cabinet and ducking back behind the desk with Toby.
There was just enough room for them both to crawl under which they did as they heard footsteps coming closer to the office. Selia bit her lip as she heard the door latch push down and recognised the unmistakeable baritone of Stevens voice. Selia covered her mouth with her hand though there was no risk that she would say anything.
Toby looked as scared as she was but their thoughts were distracted by the sound of a female voice as the lights flicked violently on.
‘Come here, Selia heard Steven saying in the same voice she had heard him use so many time when he wanted something.
‘No, come on lets get out of here’, a voice which Selia didn’t recognise responded. Toby looked across at Selia but she had her eyes shut. He knew how painful this must be.
Suddenly the desk moved slightly above them. Steven was sitting on the edge of the desk, a few centimetres away from where the pair was hiding.
‘Come on, come here and give me a kiss. No ones going to find out. Besides I’m a partner.
For a moment there were no more voices. Toby could recognise the sound of Steven and whoever was his latest kissing above them. He reached out under the desk and took Selia by the hand. Bastard he thought.
‘I want to fuck you on my desk’ Steven said and Toby saw Selia shaking. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. Toby wanted to stand up and do something or say something to end her pain but he knew he couldn’t. They just had to wait.
‘No not here, let’s go back to your place.’
‘I told you. I can’t tonight. I have to be at home. Clare made a fuss this morning and I promised.’
‘You told me that was over’, the voice replied.
Selia looked at Toby. The jealousy was beginning to fade. In a way she felt sorry for whoever it was who had fallen into Steven’s trap after her. It wasn’t her fault. In a way, hearing the conversation taking place like this reminded her that it wasn’t her fault either. The conversation above them became more heated and Toby was relieved that he and Selia wouldn’t have to sit through the consummation of Steven’s latest romance on the desk above them.
After another minute the light went out and the door closed shut behind them as the voices drifted down the hall.
‘Are you ok’, Toby asked, not sure what else to say.
‘I’m wonderful’, Selia grinned, wiping a tear away from her cheek and forcing a smile to her face. ‘Let’s find that file and get out of here ok.’
‘Of course. Come on lets do it.’ Toby smiled at Selia reassuringly. She was right in a way. He would never have contemplated helping her before but when Saffron had explained a little more about her past and the pressure she had lived under virtually since inception he had started to feel sorry for her.
Selia hesitated for a second and then they walked confidently into the lobby.
‘Late night shift eh’ Selia said leaning forward on the reception desk and beaming at the security guard who sat up from his newspaper. Toby couldn’t help noticing how low cut her shirt was, unbuttoned to the third button especially for the occasion. It seemed to be having the desired effect. Fortunately the security guard wasn’t one Toby remembered from his days in the office. ‘This is my boyfriend’ Selia said rapping an arm inside Toby’s. ‘I’ve left my house keys on my desk so I’m just going to pop up. You don’t mind if I show him my fancy office do you?’
Safely past Toby was impressed. For a girl whose life was hanging by such tender threads she was very natural at playing to her assets. ‘Well done.’ Toby said as the elevator door closed in front of them.
As the elevator doors opened Selia breathed deeply and swiping her card through the glass door which separated the sixth floor lobby from the offices directed Toby into the coffee room as they had planned. ‘I’ll be right back.’
Toby rested his back against the window which looked down on the dark street below and rested his eyes on the pot of crystallised instant coffee. He had spent so many hours two floors below taking refuge in the very same room. The design was the same throughout the building. At the time he had seen no way out. No way out and no way up. The paralysis of being a paralegal who made enough money to need to keep working but not enough to live properly. And then unexpectedly he had met Saffron..
It spooked him to think about it really. Within the space of less than six months his life had utterly changed. None of it he had planned. He had literally stumbled across the woman he loved, quit his job and now, thanks to a chance meeting with Charles and Andy’s loose bladder he was actually working in exactly the profession he wanted to be. Being back in the coffee room brought it all back to Toby. He shivered just thinking about what might have happened if he hadn’t accepted the drink with Dave. Dave the paralegal who was still Dave the paralegal.
A shadow appeared at the door which startled Toby who was still gazing at the coffee pot in front of him. ‘We’re alone’ Selia said calmly, holding her high heals in her hand. ‘Let’s get this over with.’
Selia closed the door softly behind them and Toby hovered nervously around the large, ostentatious desk which was the centre piece of the room. Behind the desk, a floor to ceiling window looked out over east London as the city crept ever further out.
‘He keeps his personal files in here’ Selia said sliding one of the tall aluminium doors back to reveal three rows of orange folders. ‘This may take a while. Sorry.’
‘Don’t worry take your time’, Toby said taking one from Selia and resting on the floor behind the desk and flicking on the small torch he had brought for the occasion. ‘Is there anything in particular I should be looking out for or shall I just flick through the pages’, Toby grinned.
‘Shit sorry, I’m just so bloody nervous’, Selia whispered, kneeling down on the floor beside Toby. ‘Anything which mentions The Heaton fund. Be a good boy and chronologise those for me too will you. Toby smiled at Selia but the light mood was suddenly broken by the noise of the glass doors sliding open on the other side of the hall near the elevators. Selia’s reaction was instantaneous as she leapt up, taking the file in Toby’s hand with her and slipped it back in the cabinet before slowly closing the cabinet and ducking back behind the desk with Toby.
There was just enough room for them both to crawl under which they did as they heard footsteps coming closer to the office. Selia bit her lip as she heard the door latch push down and recognised the unmistakeable baritone of Stevens voice. Selia covered her mouth with her hand though there was no risk that she would say anything.
Toby looked as scared as she was but their thoughts were distracted by the sound of a female voice as the lights flicked violently on.
‘Come here, Selia heard Steven saying in the same voice she had heard him use so many time when he wanted something.
‘No, come on lets get out of here’, a voice which Selia didn’t recognise responded. Toby looked across at Selia but she had her eyes shut. He knew how painful this must be.
Suddenly the desk moved slightly above them. Steven was sitting on the edge of the desk, a few centimetres away from where the pair was hiding.
‘Come on, come here and give me a kiss. No ones going to find out. Besides I’m a partner.
For a moment there were no more voices. Toby could recognise the sound of Steven and whoever was his latest kissing above them. He reached out under the desk and took Selia by the hand. Bastard he thought.
‘I want to fuck you on my desk’ Steven said and Toby saw Selia shaking. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. Toby wanted to stand up and do something or say something to end her pain but he knew he couldn’t. They just had to wait.
‘No not here, let’s go back to your place.’
‘I told you. I can’t tonight. I have to be at home. Clare made a fuss this morning and I promised.’
‘You told me that was over’, the voice replied.
Selia looked at Toby. The jealousy was beginning to fade. In a way she felt sorry for whoever it was who had fallen into Steven’s trap after her. It wasn’t her fault. In a way, hearing the conversation taking place like this reminded her that it wasn’t her fault either. The conversation above them became more heated and Toby was relieved that he and Selia wouldn’t have to sit through the consummation of Steven’s latest romance on the desk above them.
After another minute the light went out and the door closed shut behind them as the voices drifted down the hall.
‘Are you ok’, Toby asked, not sure what else to say.
‘I’m wonderful’, Selia grinned, wiping a tear away from her cheek and forcing a smile to her face. ‘Let’s find that file and get out of here ok.’
Chapter 28
Jimmy this is Alex, Alex Jimmy; he owns the bar and was kind enough to sponsor a struggling artist.
Hello my dear, don’t listen to this modest boy he’s a genius, how do you do.
Very well thank you, Alex said nervously.
Look you don’t have a drink, that wont do, there are dozens of extraordinarily dull people here my dear, let me get you some bubbles, you’ll need them.
That would be lovely thanks.
As Jimmy drifted across the bar Alex moved slightly closer to Andy, holding the back of his coat jacket like a nervous child and then, realising what she was doing, let go again. ‘God I feel so bloody nervous in these places, did you see that reply, that would be lovely thanks. God.’
‘Look you have nothing to be nervous about. These are just a bunch of struggling artists and industry wankers you know, it’s not a huge deal, just do what I generally do, have a quick couple of glasses of ‘bubbles’ and you’ll feel a hell of a lot better.’
Yeah I know Andy, and I’m not being miserable or anything, I work in a god damn café delivering coffees all day, I don’t even make them. It’s not exactly an inspiring conversation piece is it? Sorry, it’s not important.
Look, you look gorgeous; you’re cleaver your witty and you just happen to be in a transitional phase where you’re trying to figure out what the hell it is that you want to do. You know you’re probably in the perfect room. Most artists spend the majority of their time trying to embellish the fact that they are spending day and night creating works which no one appreciates. I’m sure you won’t have any problems here at all. And besides you’re shagging the artist.
Yes I suppose that does make it all worth while Alex said grinning, running her hand along Andy’s forearm.
‘Here we are then’, Jimmy said returning laden with three tall glasses. Jimmy didn’t look like an art buyer or a bar owner for that matter. He was short, or at least by the standards of most men Alex had met and had a whispy grey ginger beard which helped to compensate for his lack of hair on top. He was also dressed far more conservatively than Alex would have imagined. There was none of the pretentious trying to look like I just threw it on but in fact spent hours getting ready look about Jimmy. Instead he was wearing a simple pair of off white chords, a blue checked shirt over which lay a slightly ruffled brown jacket. His shoes couldn’t be described as anything other than ordinary. He was also an age which was difficult to pinpoint. He could have been in the last clutches of thirty or the onset of fifty. It was really very hard to tell.
Thanks Jimmy, Andy said relieving Jimmy of a couple of glasses and passing one to Saffron who gripped on to it for dear life. ‘So listen, who should I be speaking with? Presumably you want me to do the rounds.’
I know its tedious darling but see that rather tall chap standing over there in the corner with the woman with the ten foot tall hair. He is a private collector with loads of cash and is very keen to speak to you. I had a chat to him earlier and he’s very impressed so perhaps you should pop over and introduce yourself and try to explain your piece if indeed it’s not just a great big load of bollocks. Jimmy roared with laughter, winking at Alex and taking her by the elbow. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of this one, now off you go.’
‘So Alex you look nervous my dear, what’s wrong.’
‘Is it that obvious?’
‘Only to me, don’t worry, I’m very perceptive, but listen don’t be nervous, I can barely stand anyone in this room myself, Andy excepted of course, but you know, there is so much bullshit in this industry, so many people overanalysing even the smallest piece of dog shit when in the end that’s all it is, a small pile of steaming dog shit, nothing more, nothing less.’
Alex laughed abruptly and took another sip from her glass. ‘Yeah, Andy said the same thing. I don’t know Jimmy; I just can’t relax in these situations.
‘In gods name why ever not, you’re young, there’s free champagne, what else do you need?’
Can I be honest with you?’
‘I insist darling.’
‘Well at the moment I’m doing nothing I’m particularly proud of, apart from seeing Andy you know well obviously that but, shit how I put this. Up until about three months ago I was engaged to be married to this guy who didn’t let me do anything or go anywhere without him and he had no interest in going out so in the end we never did anything.’
‘God he sounds dreadful.’
‘I suppose he wasn’t completely dreadful, but he certainly wasn’t marriage material that’s for sure. Fortunately I met Andy and realised that there is actually a life out there and you know, now we’re together I’m really feeling much happier, but the truth is Jimmy I’m working in a café at the moment trying to figure out what the hell to do next and its just one of those conversations I can’t bear, the oh so what do you do.’
‘There’s no shame in not knowing what your want to do my dear. It sounds terribly clichéd but I suppose its clichéd because it’s true but we have all been there. You must look at this as an exciting phase. You have the chance to start fresh. You’ve ditched that dullard who was suffocating you and now the world is all before you. You need to look at this at the beginning and not as if you are wavering somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The real question you must ask yourself my dear is what do you want to do? And I’m not asking you what you think you should do, or what would be a sensible thing to do but what do you want to do. Here, give me that glass, I’ll go and fill these up and be back in a couple of seconds. You’d better have an answer for me by then.’ Jimmy gave Alex a cheeky smile and patted her on the arm before gliding away. Jimmy glided rather than walked. It could have been his height or stature or a combination of both but he gave the impression of moving forward almost car like, without the usual up and down bobbing associated with walking. Alex watched Jimmy standing at the bar, flirting with the barman who was half his age. He was so natural, so straight up and down. No bullshit. Alex felt utterly comfortable talking to Jimmy despite the fact she had known him for practically six seconds. She looked across the room at Andy who was standing patiently, his back to one of his projections discussing the concepts with the man with the money. A moment later Andy looked back across at Alex and raised his eyebrows curiously as if to ask ‘is everything ok’ to which Alex grinned in the affirmative, letting him drift back into his conversation.
‘Isn’t he gorgeous’ Jimmy said, waltzing silently up behind Alex, here you are my dear, absolutely gorgeous that one, possibly a little young wouldn’t you say, but then again, life is for the enjoying.’
‘Behave yourself Jimmy’, Alex said with new found confidence ‘we’re trying to sort my life out thank you very much.’
‘Indeed we are, besides, I never sleep with the staff, or only very rarely.’ Jimmy burst into laughter again. His laugh was sudden and explosive, almost sneeze like and tended to make less prepared bystanders jump.
‘So where were we, oh yes, your dreams and desires my dear. What have you come up with.’
‘This is trickier than you would think Jimmy’
‘Of course it is. It’s something that most people never ask themselves. Most people never let themselves simply asks themselves, devoid of all external factors, what is it that they would do if they had all the money they could ever need and could make a decision purely based on what they wanted to do. You certainly wouldn’t find many people raising their hand to lawyer or accountant now would you. ‘I’d love to work a sixty hour week and never see my wife’. It just doesn’t make sense.
‘You’re right really. I think the last time I really thought seriously about what I want to do and not what I need to do or should do was when I was about six years old.’
‘Precisely! So what you must do is pretend that you are six again and eliminate all of the pressures and expectations and needs and think to yourself, what I want to do. Really want to do. You know Alex this is a wonderful opportunity for you. New relationship, a job which is simply to pay the bills, no tiring bore of a boyfriend holding you back.
‘It’s funny really, it’s actually quite exciting when you think about it, but it’s very difficult to let your mind run. We are all so conditioned to check every impulse by asking ourselves, is it sensible, how much will I make, will I be able to afford a mortgage, you know all of the things which eventually end up diluting your passion or dream down to some sort of light orange cordial.’
‘Only I could have put it better!’ Jimmy roared with a huge grin. ‘So with out any further ado let me have it my dear.’
‘I love paintings Jimmy.’
‘That’s a wonderful start. But you’ll have to be more specific with me my dear.’
‘Well I think you are best to match your desires a little with your natural talents or skills or that kind of thing don’t you?’
‘To a point my dear. Certainly the tone deaf should temper their desire to sing but in many cases, people tend to have preconceived ideas about what they are and are not good at which are very rarely based upon anything other than a real lack of self belief. You know my dear like all those tiring bores who continually proclaim they are no good at languages because they failed a French exam when they were eleven years old.’
‘Yes I suppose you’re right but surely it’s also important to be aware of where you have some natural abilities don’t you think?’
‘Undoubtedly.’
‘Well I have quite a detailed and precise mind Jimmy, you know with names, dates all that kind of thing. It’s interesting, Andy is all over the place, you know I think he’s sort of scatter brain and has a billion things going on in his mind at once and he sort of gets things done in his own way.’
‘A very keen observation my dear, but it certainly works for him wouldn’t you say?’
‘Absolutely, and in fact I probably couldn’t bare being with someone who was as precise me, it’s so much nicer to have to different types of brains in a relationship. I think we all seek something a bit different from ourselves.’
‘Very important that, otherwise you wake up one day and think to yourself, hold a second now, I know all this, nothing here is new, I’m bored to hell, and you run off with a young chap from behind the bar!’
‘Behave yourself Jimmy’ Alex said laughing.
‘My apologies my dear, I am a weak old fool now do go on.’
‘Well I really enjoyed the Art History I studied at school, especially Renaissance painting but I don’t know what happened. I guess more sensible options came along and art fell by the way side.’
‘And that happens to almost everyone my dear.’
‘God, I feel embarrassed speaking about Art Jimmy. I have absolutely no pedigree and here I am standing in a room full of artists and…’
‘Stop right there. What you need to realise now is that this pedigree you are talking about is simply a block, another reason like something not being sensible, or you don’t have time or one of a million other excuses why you shouldn’t do something. I didn’t ask you to tell me what you want to do and what you are qualified to do. I asked you to tell me what you want to do.
‘Ok. I’d like to learn how to restore paintings Jimmy.’ Feeling exposed and embarrassed Alex dropped her gaze.’
‘Bravo my dear! Call me a wild old fool but that deserves another drink wouldn’t you say.’
‘Sure but please let me get this one, I feel very bad you paying for everything like this’
‘Nonsense! Besides it’s my party and you’re a delight keeping me company and away from all of these bores. Same again?’
‘Thanks that would be wonderful.’
‘I shall be right back, now don’t you go anywhere.’
Alex stood alone, relaxed by the wine, and looked around the bar, her eyes once again resting on Andy. Andy. All this had happened because of a decision to take a dead end job making coffees. Everything springing from that one decision to work in that one place. And now she had Andy, the unassuming star of the party, hand in pocket, tall, relaxed, completely at ease discussing his work, not pretentious or shy. He had the enviable attitude which said, if you like my work that’s great and I’d love to tell you about it but if not then no problem; nice to meet you regardless. James had been the opposite. Talented but all vibrado. He had been deeply insecure for some reason or other. His embarrassment about her not knowing what she was doing, or insistence that she dress like the girls at work with their tiring smart conservative lines had to be born out insecurity. Either that or he was just dull. Andy had the kind of attitude which said I love you, do what you want, I’m sure you’ll be great at what you do when you figure it out, now let’s go and have some fun.
‘You young lady are smitten are you not?’ Jimmy said producing another glass teaming with bubbles.
‘Is it really that obvious? Perhaps I should be a little more coy’ Alex grinned and then tried, rather unnecessarily to force it from her face.
‘Not for one minute. The world is full of unrequited bores who shackle their emotions like a team of pack hounds. I say out with it my dear out with it. And he’s an extremely talented and attractive boy, not my type of course but might I say that you two look marvellous together.’
Alex grinned coyly again, unsure of quite what to say but was cut off once again before she had to.
‘Now Alex as I was standing at the bar there I believe I may have stumbled upon a small contact who it may be worth our talking to. It occurred to me that about three months ago I was at some fiercely tedious charity event auction thingy all in the name of small underprivileged people of some description and while I was crouched in a corner trying to avoid the masses I ended up striking up conversation with a like minded fellow who was hovering about like a fly which refuses to settle. He was actually a lovely chap, and the reason I mention it my dear is that he works for a reasonably well known gallery on the south bank putting shows together. I have his card lurking around the office at home somewhere so if you like I could fish it out and give him a call and perhaps you and I could pay him a visit some time next week. I don’t know if he knows anything about restoration or conservation or what ever the correct term is but it’s certainly narrowing the field wouldn’t you say? At the very least it might give you a window into the industry. You can see if it really is something you might like to pursue.’
‘God Jimmy are you sure, I mean that would be absolutely wonderful, but are you sure you would have time?’
‘It would be my pleasure. When are you free, do you have an afternoon off next week some time perhaps?’
‘I don’t work Thursdays so you’re free then and it worked out with your friend that would be wonderful. The only thing is that I don’t know very much about the field, just that I want to do it.’
‘That’s more than enough in my books my dear. I’ll call him tomorrow and try to jack up a meeting and in the mean time you should start doing a little research around the area. Don’t get too worried, everyone has to begin somewhere and if you have an interest or passion for learning it’s a wonderful beginning.’
‘God I really don’t know what to say. Thank you. I’m really very grateful.’
‘Enough of all that nonsense, it will be a pleasure to spend an afternoon in the galleries in some civilised company. Now I think it’s probably time for you to rescue that boyfriend of yours. I’ve noticed his face is starting to swell from all that smiling.’
Hello my dear, don’t listen to this modest boy he’s a genius, how do you do.
Very well thank you, Alex said nervously.
Look you don’t have a drink, that wont do, there are dozens of extraordinarily dull people here my dear, let me get you some bubbles, you’ll need them.
That would be lovely thanks.
As Jimmy drifted across the bar Alex moved slightly closer to Andy, holding the back of his coat jacket like a nervous child and then, realising what she was doing, let go again. ‘God I feel so bloody nervous in these places, did you see that reply, that would be lovely thanks. God.’
‘Look you have nothing to be nervous about. These are just a bunch of struggling artists and industry wankers you know, it’s not a huge deal, just do what I generally do, have a quick couple of glasses of ‘bubbles’ and you’ll feel a hell of a lot better.’
Yeah I know Andy, and I’m not being miserable or anything, I work in a god damn café delivering coffees all day, I don’t even make them. It’s not exactly an inspiring conversation piece is it? Sorry, it’s not important.
Look, you look gorgeous; you’re cleaver your witty and you just happen to be in a transitional phase where you’re trying to figure out what the hell it is that you want to do. You know you’re probably in the perfect room. Most artists spend the majority of their time trying to embellish the fact that they are spending day and night creating works which no one appreciates. I’m sure you won’t have any problems here at all. And besides you’re shagging the artist.
Yes I suppose that does make it all worth while Alex said grinning, running her hand along Andy’s forearm.
‘Here we are then’, Jimmy said returning laden with three tall glasses. Jimmy didn’t look like an art buyer or a bar owner for that matter. He was short, or at least by the standards of most men Alex had met and had a whispy grey ginger beard which helped to compensate for his lack of hair on top. He was also dressed far more conservatively than Alex would have imagined. There was none of the pretentious trying to look like I just threw it on but in fact spent hours getting ready look about Jimmy. Instead he was wearing a simple pair of off white chords, a blue checked shirt over which lay a slightly ruffled brown jacket. His shoes couldn’t be described as anything other than ordinary. He was also an age which was difficult to pinpoint. He could have been in the last clutches of thirty or the onset of fifty. It was really very hard to tell.
Thanks Jimmy, Andy said relieving Jimmy of a couple of glasses and passing one to Saffron who gripped on to it for dear life. ‘So listen, who should I be speaking with? Presumably you want me to do the rounds.’
I know its tedious darling but see that rather tall chap standing over there in the corner with the woman with the ten foot tall hair. He is a private collector with loads of cash and is very keen to speak to you. I had a chat to him earlier and he’s very impressed so perhaps you should pop over and introduce yourself and try to explain your piece if indeed it’s not just a great big load of bollocks. Jimmy roared with laughter, winking at Alex and taking her by the elbow. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of this one, now off you go.’
‘So Alex you look nervous my dear, what’s wrong.’
‘Is it that obvious?’
‘Only to me, don’t worry, I’m very perceptive, but listen don’t be nervous, I can barely stand anyone in this room myself, Andy excepted of course, but you know, there is so much bullshit in this industry, so many people overanalysing even the smallest piece of dog shit when in the end that’s all it is, a small pile of steaming dog shit, nothing more, nothing less.’
Alex laughed abruptly and took another sip from her glass. ‘Yeah, Andy said the same thing. I don’t know Jimmy; I just can’t relax in these situations.
‘In gods name why ever not, you’re young, there’s free champagne, what else do you need?’
Can I be honest with you?’
‘I insist darling.’
‘Well at the moment I’m doing nothing I’m particularly proud of, apart from seeing Andy you know well obviously that but, shit how I put this. Up until about three months ago I was engaged to be married to this guy who didn’t let me do anything or go anywhere without him and he had no interest in going out so in the end we never did anything.’
‘God he sounds dreadful.’
‘I suppose he wasn’t completely dreadful, but he certainly wasn’t marriage material that’s for sure. Fortunately I met Andy and realised that there is actually a life out there and you know, now we’re together I’m really feeling much happier, but the truth is Jimmy I’m working in a café at the moment trying to figure out what the hell to do next and its just one of those conversations I can’t bear, the oh so what do you do.’
‘There’s no shame in not knowing what your want to do my dear. It sounds terribly clichéd but I suppose its clichéd because it’s true but we have all been there. You must look at this as an exciting phase. You have the chance to start fresh. You’ve ditched that dullard who was suffocating you and now the world is all before you. You need to look at this at the beginning and not as if you are wavering somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The real question you must ask yourself my dear is what do you want to do? And I’m not asking you what you think you should do, or what would be a sensible thing to do but what do you want to do. Here, give me that glass, I’ll go and fill these up and be back in a couple of seconds. You’d better have an answer for me by then.’ Jimmy gave Alex a cheeky smile and patted her on the arm before gliding away. Jimmy glided rather than walked. It could have been his height or stature or a combination of both but he gave the impression of moving forward almost car like, without the usual up and down bobbing associated with walking. Alex watched Jimmy standing at the bar, flirting with the barman who was half his age. He was so natural, so straight up and down. No bullshit. Alex felt utterly comfortable talking to Jimmy despite the fact she had known him for practically six seconds. She looked across the room at Andy who was standing patiently, his back to one of his projections discussing the concepts with the man with the money. A moment later Andy looked back across at Alex and raised his eyebrows curiously as if to ask ‘is everything ok’ to which Alex grinned in the affirmative, letting him drift back into his conversation.
‘Isn’t he gorgeous’ Jimmy said, waltzing silently up behind Alex, here you are my dear, absolutely gorgeous that one, possibly a little young wouldn’t you say, but then again, life is for the enjoying.’
‘Behave yourself Jimmy’, Alex said with new found confidence ‘we’re trying to sort my life out thank you very much.’
‘Indeed we are, besides, I never sleep with the staff, or only very rarely.’ Jimmy burst into laughter again. His laugh was sudden and explosive, almost sneeze like and tended to make less prepared bystanders jump.
‘So where were we, oh yes, your dreams and desires my dear. What have you come up with.’
‘This is trickier than you would think Jimmy’
‘Of course it is. It’s something that most people never ask themselves. Most people never let themselves simply asks themselves, devoid of all external factors, what is it that they would do if they had all the money they could ever need and could make a decision purely based on what they wanted to do. You certainly wouldn’t find many people raising their hand to lawyer or accountant now would you. ‘I’d love to work a sixty hour week and never see my wife’. It just doesn’t make sense.
‘You’re right really. I think the last time I really thought seriously about what I want to do and not what I need to do or should do was when I was about six years old.’
‘Precisely! So what you must do is pretend that you are six again and eliminate all of the pressures and expectations and needs and think to yourself, what I want to do. Really want to do. You know Alex this is a wonderful opportunity for you. New relationship, a job which is simply to pay the bills, no tiring bore of a boyfriend holding you back.
‘It’s funny really, it’s actually quite exciting when you think about it, but it’s very difficult to let your mind run. We are all so conditioned to check every impulse by asking ourselves, is it sensible, how much will I make, will I be able to afford a mortgage, you know all of the things which eventually end up diluting your passion or dream down to some sort of light orange cordial.’
‘Only I could have put it better!’ Jimmy roared with a huge grin. ‘So with out any further ado let me have it my dear.’
‘I love paintings Jimmy.’
‘That’s a wonderful start. But you’ll have to be more specific with me my dear.’
‘Well I think you are best to match your desires a little with your natural talents or skills or that kind of thing don’t you?’
‘To a point my dear. Certainly the tone deaf should temper their desire to sing but in many cases, people tend to have preconceived ideas about what they are and are not good at which are very rarely based upon anything other than a real lack of self belief. You know my dear like all those tiring bores who continually proclaim they are no good at languages because they failed a French exam when they were eleven years old.’
‘Yes I suppose you’re right but surely it’s also important to be aware of where you have some natural abilities don’t you think?’
‘Undoubtedly.’
‘Well I have quite a detailed and precise mind Jimmy, you know with names, dates all that kind of thing. It’s interesting, Andy is all over the place, you know I think he’s sort of scatter brain and has a billion things going on in his mind at once and he sort of gets things done in his own way.’
‘A very keen observation my dear, but it certainly works for him wouldn’t you say?’
‘Absolutely, and in fact I probably couldn’t bare being with someone who was as precise me, it’s so much nicer to have to different types of brains in a relationship. I think we all seek something a bit different from ourselves.’
‘Very important that, otherwise you wake up one day and think to yourself, hold a second now, I know all this, nothing here is new, I’m bored to hell, and you run off with a young chap from behind the bar!’
‘Behave yourself Jimmy’ Alex said laughing.
‘My apologies my dear, I am a weak old fool now do go on.’
‘Well I really enjoyed the Art History I studied at school, especially Renaissance painting but I don’t know what happened. I guess more sensible options came along and art fell by the way side.’
‘And that happens to almost everyone my dear.’
‘God, I feel embarrassed speaking about Art Jimmy. I have absolutely no pedigree and here I am standing in a room full of artists and…’
‘Stop right there. What you need to realise now is that this pedigree you are talking about is simply a block, another reason like something not being sensible, or you don’t have time or one of a million other excuses why you shouldn’t do something. I didn’t ask you to tell me what you want to do and what you are qualified to do. I asked you to tell me what you want to do.
‘Ok. I’d like to learn how to restore paintings Jimmy.’ Feeling exposed and embarrassed Alex dropped her gaze.’
‘Bravo my dear! Call me a wild old fool but that deserves another drink wouldn’t you say.’
‘Sure but please let me get this one, I feel very bad you paying for everything like this’
‘Nonsense! Besides it’s my party and you’re a delight keeping me company and away from all of these bores. Same again?’
‘Thanks that would be wonderful.’
‘I shall be right back, now don’t you go anywhere.’
Alex stood alone, relaxed by the wine, and looked around the bar, her eyes once again resting on Andy. Andy. All this had happened because of a decision to take a dead end job making coffees. Everything springing from that one decision to work in that one place. And now she had Andy, the unassuming star of the party, hand in pocket, tall, relaxed, completely at ease discussing his work, not pretentious or shy. He had the enviable attitude which said, if you like my work that’s great and I’d love to tell you about it but if not then no problem; nice to meet you regardless. James had been the opposite. Talented but all vibrado. He had been deeply insecure for some reason or other. His embarrassment about her not knowing what she was doing, or insistence that she dress like the girls at work with their tiring smart conservative lines had to be born out insecurity. Either that or he was just dull. Andy had the kind of attitude which said I love you, do what you want, I’m sure you’ll be great at what you do when you figure it out, now let’s go and have some fun.
‘You young lady are smitten are you not?’ Jimmy said producing another glass teaming with bubbles.
‘Is it really that obvious? Perhaps I should be a little more coy’ Alex grinned and then tried, rather unnecessarily to force it from her face.
‘Not for one minute. The world is full of unrequited bores who shackle their emotions like a team of pack hounds. I say out with it my dear out with it. And he’s an extremely talented and attractive boy, not my type of course but might I say that you two look marvellous together.’
Alex grinned coyly again, unsure of quite what to say but was cut off once again before she had to.
‘Now Alex as I was standing at the bar there I believe I may have stumbled upon a small contact who it may be worth our talking to. It occurred to me that about three months ago I was at some fiercely tedious charity event auction thingy all in the name of small underprivileged people of some description and while I was crouched in a corner trying to avoid the masses I ended up striking up conversation with a like minded fellow who was hovering about like a fly which refuses to settle. He was actually a lovely chap, and the reason I mention it my dear is that he works for a reasonably well known gallery on the south bank putting shows together. I have his card lurking around the office at home somewhere so if you like I could fish it out and give him a call and perhaps you and I could pay him a visit some time next week. I don’t know if he knows anything about restoration or conservation or what ever the correct term is but it’s certainly narrowing the field wouldn’t you say? At the very least it might give you a window into the industry. You can see if it really is something you might like to pursue.’
‘God Jimmy are you sure, I mean that would be absolutely wonderful, but are you sure you would have time?’
‘It would be my pleasure. When are you free, do you have an afternoon off next week some time perhaps?’
‘I don’t work Thursdays so you’re free then and it worked out with your friend that would be wonderful. The only thing is that I don’t know very much about the field, just that I want to do it.’
‘That’s more than enough in my books my dear. I’ll call him tomorrow and try to jack up a meeting and in the mean time you should start doing a little research around the area. Don’t get too worried, everyone has to begin somewhere and if you have an interest or passion for learning it’s a wonderful beginning.’
‘God I really don’t know what to say. Thank you. I’m really very grateful.’
‘Enough of all that nonsense, it will be a pleasure to spend an afternoon in the galleries in some civilised company. Now I think it’s probably time for you to rescue that boyfriend of yours. I’ve noticed his face is starting to swell from all that smiling.’
Chapter 27
Saffron put the phone down.
‘What was all that about’, Toby asked, aware from the expression on Saffron’s face that something wasn’t quite right.
‘I don't know entirely. It was Selia. She was really upset she said she really needs to talk to me. ‘What was she doing calling you?’
‘Thanks a lot smart arse’
‘No, you know what I mean. You haven't seen her since school and then all of a sudden she sees you once and you’re her one point of call in a moment of crisis.’
Saffron thought for a moment but she knew Toby was right. It didn’t really make much sense. ‘Maybe she doesn't have anyone else. I remember when we were at school I was literally her only friend.’
‘But surely she can't have got to this stage all alone, surely she must have someone else’, Toby continued before realising his tone sounded more heartless than he had intended. ‘Anyway it doesn't matter, what did she say?’
‘Not too much really, she didn’t want to go into it on the phone but she’s going to come over now so it’s probably best if you make yourself scarce, if that’s all right. It shouldn’t be for too long.’
Toby had been practically living at Saffron’s the past couple of months. Not that there had been anything formal about it. He had started off telling himself that he would only spend a few nights a week with her but that hadn’t eventuated. His usual urge to get away and be on his own just wasn’t there the way it had been with his other girlfriend. It was easy being with Saffron.
‘Why don't you head out for a beer or something, grab a paper’, Saffron continued. ‘She's going to come around in about half an hour so if you can give us a couple of hours that would be great.’
Saffron could tell that Selia had been crying the moment she opened the door. The look of confusion that she might have pressed the wrong buzzer on Selia’s face turned to sudden relief. ‘Hi Saff, I’m so sorry for all this.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, what else are friends for’, Saffron said as sincerely as possible as she led Saffron down the hall and into the living room. She still had no idea what all this was about.
‘Sorry about the mess. I’d like to blame Toby but I’m partly to blame too I’m afraid.’
Saffron sat down opposite Selia. Her face looked softer than it had when they had met in the bar. .Free of makeup and in a pair of jeans she looked more like the girl Saffron had shared five years at school with then the uptight city girl. She looked tired and her eyes were swollen from the tears which had presumably been flowing intermittently all morning.
‘Thanks for letting me come round Saff’ Selia started after a few moments silence. Saffron sighed to herself in relief. She hadn’t known where to begin.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, you’re welcome any time.’
‘No really. God I know it must have been a surprise having me suddenly call you up out of the blue like this.’
‘Don’t worry about all that. But it was a real surprise seeing you again at that wine bar the other night. God it just makes you think how quickly time passes doesn’t it?’ Saffron decided that it was best to keep things as light as possible at this stage.
‘We didn't really get a chance to talk properly did we? I’d love to hear all about what you’ve been up to over the last few years. Big city Lawyer eh. I knew you’d be a success Seals.’
Saffron didn’t say anything. She appeared to be focused on restraining the emotions which were threatening to overflow at any moment.. Saffron’s confusion as to why Selia was sitting in front turned to genuine.
‘Hey ignore all that Seals. Saffron said moving from the armchair she had settled in and sat next to Selia on the sofa. ‘What’s happened? You seem so upset.’
‘I’m sorry about the other night Saff’, she started with a wobble. ‘I shouldn’t have just left without saying goodbye. I was having a really terrible night and I saw you and Toby and it was all too much for me. I mean don’t get me wrong. I was so pleased to see you again after all these years. But it was also a real shock. I just felt like. No it’s stupid.
‘Don’t be silly Seal, it’s not stupid.’
‘Well it’s just that you’re from my past Saffron. Apart from you and you’re friendship is, I’ve spent such a long time trying to forget about my past. I suppose seeing you again stirred up a lot of old memories and emotions.’
Saffron now knew exactly what Selia was talking about. In all the time she had known her, Selia had never specifically talked to Saffron like this but she had been able to piece enough from the little bits Selia had told her to know that her childhood had been scarred by the overbearing and social climbing aspirations of her father who was determined to make Selia everything he wasn’t. And from Saffron’s experience, Selia’s father Fred Sinclair-Brown wasn’t much. She had despised Selia’s father from the day she had met him. He used to stare at her in a way that a fourteen year old friends father shouldn’t. And he had ruined Selia’s childhood. All the way through St Hilda’s and presumably from the moment she had left the womb he had battered Selia with constant pressure and reminders that her type was not good enough and that she had to change and get ahead. The past for Selia had been an endless road of praiseless and forced achievement. No wonder she had wanted to leave the past behind.
‘And then seeing you and Toby the other night made me look at my situation with Steven, whatever the hell that is, and I don't know.’ Selia had managed to keep her emotions under control up until now but the mention of Steven was too much for her. Saffron put and arm around her shoulders which made things better and worse and she began to weep freely.’ Poor thing Saffron thought realising that despite having not seen her in nearly ten years she was still Selia’s only friend.
‘I’m sorry.’ Selia said sitting up and taking a tissue from the box Saffron offered her. ‘God this is embarrassing.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous Selia’, Saffron said, this time far more sincerely. ‘You have nothing to apologise for ok. Just go on if you want to go on. There’s no pressure ok?’
‘Thanks.’ Selia smiled for the first time since arriving. ‘It's pathetic really Saff. I really don't know what I'm doing with him. Seeing you and Toby really bought that to the surface the other night and I'm sorry I rushed off but it was either that or start blubbering in the middle of the bar.’
‘We're a pretty normal couple really Selia’ Saffron said attempting to downplay things as best as she could.
‘God I’d do anything for normal. I've been fooling myself that I'm in a relationship with Steven but it's clear that I’m not. He's still got his wife and I’m just his young play thing. At least at the beginning he was affectionate, but now all he wants to do is drink a couple of bottles of wine quickly and then go back to his apartment and have sex.’
‘I suppose you've tried talking to him?’ Saffron said knowing that Selia was completely right about the hopelessness of her situation. Saffron had been worried about her the moment she had been left briefly alone with Steven in the bar. There had been something aggressive, almost predatory about the way he had spoken to her and looked at her and from what he had insinuated it was clear that he held no loyalties towards Selia.
‘Every time I do he gets irritated and aggressive and it ends up ruining what little time we have together. People actually warned me against him you know. Apparently I'm just one on a list of girls from work he's gone out with. It's such a bloody cliché with the wife and the young lover. At the beginning he told me he was planning to leave her and like some pathetic idiot I believed it.’
‘Look Selia, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, I really don't. It's a cliché because it can happen so easily. He's the one in the wrong here, not you. He’s the one in the position of power and you can't necessarily choose who you fall for.’
‘Yeah I know’ Selia said staring down at her wine, ‘I just feel like such an idiot for deceiving myself all this time. I'm sure half the firm has been laughing behind my back.’
‘Listen, ignore all that, the key is what are you going to do from here. You’re a great girl Seals, your gorgeous, intelligent and that there will be dozens of guys queuing up to go out with you. I think you should tell him where to go.’
‘That's just the problem, I don't think it’s' that simple’ Selia said looking up from her wine, tears forming in her eyes again and trickling down her cheek.
‘What is it Selia. You must have had you’re suspicions this might not work out?’ Saffron knew it was difficult but she also couldn’t quite understand how this had managed to throw Selia so powerfully. She was normally fairly hard to break. Or at least she had been when Saffron had known her ten years ago.
‘Saff I’m so sorry for this. And I know you probably think this is all a little bit dramatic over a stupid relationship which isn’t even a real relationship but there's more to it than that. I’m pregnant.
For a moment Saffron sat silently beside Selia, rubbing her hand and not saying anything as she wept. It was probably best to get it out Saffron thought. It also gave her a chance to think of what to say.
‘This shouldn’t have happened. I’m on the pill Saff. I’m on the bloody pill and at first I thought I was just late and then it was a week late and I’m usually like clockwork so last night I bought a test and that confirmed it. I didn’t get any sleep last night. I just don’t know what to do Saff. That’s why I called you. I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know who else I could call. I just feel so alone.’
Saffron held Selia’s hand as she sat beside her, eyes down cast, no longer crying, but emotionally drained. Saffron had lived with Selia for five years but had never seen her look like this or breaks down like this. It was probably the first time she had let herself fully unload her emotions in all that time. And knowing what she did about Selia’s parents she knew they would be of no use. They were as conservative as they were determined. The shame would be too much for them and Selia didn’t need to feel any more shame. Saffron looked at he trembling beside her and felt deep sympathy. She thought how unfair it was that someone like Selia, so beautiful, intelligent who had managed to get scholarships though school and graduate from one of the best universities in the would could be brutalised by her parents into feeling she was so worthless.
‘Listen Selia, we may not have seen each other for ages but that is irrelevant. You may feel alone and scared but you’re not ok. You have me ok. I’m going to help you with this and Toby will feel the same ok. Whatever you decide to do.
‘I don’t know why you’re being so kind to me Saff. This isn’t you’re problem. And Toby. God I feel so bad about the way I behaved when we were working together.
‘Yeah I know all that, but listen that’s not important now.’
‘No it really is important Saff. I hate myself for acting that way. I know it's no excuse but I get so caught up and worried about what everyone will think about me and my background.’
Saffron new exactly what Selia was saying but she thought it would be good for her to get it all out. Saffron had never seen Selia being so honest. When they had been living together at school she had always been so guarded about admitting how she felt.
‘I just feel so different from the people around me. And it’s so unfair. They all have it so easy. They all know exactly how to behave, not because they have forced it upon themselves like me but because that’s just the way they are. I always feel like I’m trying to keep up. It was the same at St Hilda’s, and Cambridge and now it's the same again. I thought working would be different but its not. It’s all a great big club.’
‘Look Selia, I know this is how you feel, and I suppose my reminding you of how much you've achieved is probably fairly pointless, but it really is true. It's far more admirable getting to where you are through hard work than falling into it because of money and the right school and popping out at the end on the great public school conveyer belt. I also think that you'll find that you're not completely right about everyone you're working with. There are probably lots of people from very normal backgrounds working with you. Sure everyone has an educated voice, and probably says the right things but this is just part of playing the game. It's the same in my profession. People are very rarely completely honest.’
‘Maybe you're right. But I feel really terrible about treating Toby the way I have. I don’t know why I act the way I do. I just thought that people would think badly of me for doing it. I know it's wrong but sometimes when I’m in that situation I just cant think properly. I get so insecure about what I should do, who I should talk to, what I should wear. And then all this time I've been shagging my boss and people have probably been laughing behind my back.’ Selia stopped and tried her hardest to stop herself from breaking down without success. Saffron put her arm around her and said nothing just letting Selia cry for a while. This was probably the first time she had actually admitted out loud to how she felt, Saffron thought.
‘Look don't worry about that’ Saffron said cutting her off. And don't worry about Toby. He's a very relaxed, guy, I’m sure he'll understand if I explain things to him. If you don't mind me talking to him that is.’
‘No of course not.’
‘Now Seals’, saffron said handing her the box of tissues with a kind smile. What are we going to do with you?
‘What was all that about’, Toby asked, aware from the expression on Saffron’s face that something wasn’t quite right.
‘I don't know entirely. It was Selia. She was really upset she said she really needs to talk to me. ‘What was she doing calling you?’
‘Thanks a lot smart arse’
‘No, you know what I mean. You haven't seen her since school and then all of a sudden she sees you once and you’re her one point of call in a moment of crisis.’
Saffron thought for a moment but she knew Toby was right. It didn’t really make much sense. ‘Maybe she doesn't have anyone else. I remember when we were at school I was literally her only friend.’
‘But surely she can't have got to this stage all alone, surely she must have someone else’, Toby continued before realising his tone sounded more heartless than he had intended. ‘Anyway it doesn't matter, what did she say?’
‘Not too much really, she didn’t want to go into it on the phone but she’s going to come over now so it’s probably best if you make yourself scarce, if that’s all right. It shouldn’t be for too long.’
Toby had been practically living at Saffron’s the past couple of months. Not that there had been anything formal about it. He had started off telling himself that he would only spend a few nights a week with her but that hadn’t eventuated. His usual urge to get away and be on his own just wasn’t there the way it had been with his other girlfriend. It was easy being with Saffron.
‘Why don't you head out for a beer or something, grab a paper’, Saffron continued. ‘She's going to come around in about half an hour so if you can give us a couple of hours that would be great.’
Saffron could tell that Selia had been crying the moment she opened the door. The look of confusion that she might have pressed the wrong buzzer on Selia’s face turned to sudden relief. ‘Hi Saff, I’m so sorry for all this.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, what else are friends for’, Saffron said as sincerely as possible as she led Saffron down the hall and into the living room. She still had no idea what all this was about.
‘Sorry about the mess. I’d like to blame Toby but I’m partly to blame too I’m afraid.’
Saffron sat down opposite Selia. Her face looked softer than it had when they had met in the bar. .Free of makeup and in a pair of jeans she looked more like the girl Saffron had shared five years at school with then the uptight city girl. She looked tired and her eyes were swollen from the tears which had presumably been flowing intermittently all morning.
‘Thanks for letting me come round Saff’ Selia started after a few moments silence. Saffron sighed to herself in relief. She hadn’t known where to begin.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, you’re welcome any time.’
‘No really. God I know it must have been a surprise having me suddenly call you up out of the blue like this.’
‘Don’t worry about all that. But it was a real surprise seeing you again at that wine bar the other night. God it just makes you think how quickly time passes doesn’t it?’ Saffron decided that it was best to keep things as light as possible at this stage.
‘We didn't really get a chance to talk properly did we? I’d love to hear all about what you’ve been up to over the last few years. Big city Lawyer eh. I knew you’d be a success Seals.’
Saffron didn’t say anything. She appeared to be focused on restraining the emotions which were threatening to overflow at any moment.. Saffron’s confusion as to why Selia was sitting in front turned to genuine.
‘Hey ignore all that Seals. Saffron said moving from the armchair she had settled in and sat next to Selia on the sofa. ‘What’s happened? You seem so upset.’
‘I’m sorry about the other night Saff’, she started with a wobble. ‘I shouldn’t have just left without saying goodbye. I was having a really terrible night and I saw you and Toby and it was all too much for me. I mean don’t get me wrong. I was so pleased to see you again after all these years. But it was also a real shock. I just felt like. No it’s stupid.
‘Don’t be silly Seal, it’s not stupid.’
‘Well it’s just that you’re from my past Saffron. Apart from you and you’re friendship is, I’ve spent such a long time trying to forget about my past. I suppose seeing you again stirred up a lot of old memories and emotions.’
Saffron now knew exactly what Selia was talking about. In all the time she had known her, Selia had never specifically talked to Saffron like this but she had been able to piece enough from the little bits Selia had told her to know that her childhood had been scarred by the overbearing and social climbing aspirations of her father who was determined to make Selia everything he wasn’t. And from Saffron’s experience, Selia’s father Fred Sinclair-Brown wasn’t much. She had despised Selia’s father from the day she had met him. He used to stare at her in a way that a fourteen year old friends father shouldn’t. And he had ruined Selia’s childhood. All the way through St Hilda’s and presumably from the moment she had left the womb he had battered Selia with constant pressure and reminders that her type was not good enough and that she had to change and get ahead. The past for Selia had been an endless road of praiseless and forced achievement. No wonder she had wanted to leave the past behind.
‘And then seeing you and Toby the other night made me look at my situation with Steven, whatever the hell that is, and I don't know.’ Selia had managed to keep her emotions under control up until now but the mention of Steven was too much for her. Saffron put and arm around her shoulders which made things better and worse and she began to weep freely.’ Poor thing Saffron thought realising that despite having not seen her in nearly ten years she was still Selia’s only friend.
‘I’m sorry.’ Selia said sitting up and taking a tissue from the box Saffron offered her. ‘God this is embarrassing.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous Selia’, Saffron said, this time far more sincerely. ‘You have nothing to apologise for ok. Just go on if you want to go on. There’s no pressure ok?’
‘Thanks.’ Selia smiled for the first time since arriving. ‘It's pathetic really Saff. I really don't know what I'm doing with him. Seeing you and Toby really bought that to the surface the other night and I'm sorry I rushed off but it was either that or start blubbering in the middle of the bar.’
‘We're a pretty normal couple really Selia’ Saffron said attempting to downplay things as best as she could.
‘God I’d do anything for normal. I've been fooling myself that I'm in a relationship with Steven but it's clear that I’m not. He's still got his wife and I’m just his young play thing. At least at the beginning he was affectionate, but now all he wants to do is drink a couple of bottles of wine quickly and then go back to his apartment and have sex.’
‘I suppose you've tried talking to him?’ Saffron said knowing that Selia was completely right about the hopelessness of her situation. Saffron had been worried about her the moment she had been left briefly alone with Steven in the bar. There had been something aggressive, almost predatory about the way he had spoken to her and looked at her and from what he had insinuated it was clear that he held no loyalties towards Selia.
‘Every time I do he gets irritated and aggressive and it ends up ruining what little time we have together. People actually warned me against him you know. Apparently I'm just one on a list of girls from work he's gone out with. It's such a bloody cliché with the wife and the young lover. At the beginning he told me he was planning to leave her and like some pathetic idiot I believed it.’
‘Look Selia, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, I really don't. It's a cliché because it can happen so easily. He's the one in the wrong here, not you. He’s the one in the position of power and you can't necessarily choose who you fall for.’
‘Yeah I know’ Selia said staring down at her wine, ‘I just feel like such an idiot for deceiving myself all this time. I'm sure half the firm has been laughing behind my back.’
‘Listen, ignore all that, the key is what are you going to do from here. You’re a great girl Seals, your gorgeous, intelligent and that there will be dozens of guys queuing up to go out with you. I think you should tell him where to go.’
‘That's just the problem, I don't think it’s' that simple’ Selia said looking up from her wine, tears forming in her eyes again and trickling down her cheek.
‘What is it Selia. You must have had you’re suspicions this might not work out?’ Saffron knew it was difficult but she also couldn’t quite understand how this had managed to throw Selia so powerfully. She was normally fairly hard to break. Or at least she had been when Saffron had known her ten years ago.
‘Saff I’m so sorry for this. And I know you probably think this is all a little bit dramatic over a stupid relationship which isn’t even a real relationship but there's more to it than that. I’m pregnant.
For a moment Saffron sat silently beside Selia, rubbing her hand and not saying anything as she wept. It was probably best to get it out Saffron thought. It also gave her a chance to think of what to say.
‘This shouldn’t have happened. I’m on the pill Saff. I’m on the bloody pill and at first I thought I was just late and then it was a week late and I’m usually like clockwork so last night I bought a test and that confirmed it. I didn’t get any sleep last night. I just don’t know what to do Saff. That’s why I called you. I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know who else I could call. I just feel so alone.’
Saffron held Selia’s hand as she sat beside her, eyes down cast, no longer crying, but emotionally drained. Saffron had lived with Selia for five years but had never seen her look like this or breaks down like this. It was probably the first time she had let herself fully unload her emotions in all that time. And knowing what she did about Selia’s parents she knew they would be of no use. They were as conservative as they were determined. The shame would be too much for them and Selia didn’t need to feel any more shame. Saffron looked at he trembling beside her and felt deep sympathy. She thought how unfair it was that someone like Selia, so beautiful, intelligent who had managed to get scholarships though school and graduate from one of the best universities in the would could be brutalised by her parents into feeling she was so worthless.
‘Listen Selia, we may not have seen each other for ages but that is irrelevant. You may feel alone and scared but you’re not ok. You have me ok. I’m going to help you with this and Toby will feel the same ok. Whatever you decide to do.
‘I don’t know why you’re being so kind to me Saff. This isn’t you’re problem. And Toby. God I feel so bad about the way I behaved when we were working together.
‘Yeah I know all that, but listen that’s not important now.’
‘No it really is important Saff. I hate myself for acting that way. I know it's no excuse but I get so caught up and worried about what everyone will think about me and my background.’
Saffron new exactly what Selia was saying but she thought it would be good for her to get it all out. Saffron had never seen Selia being so honest. When they had been living together at school she had always been so guarded about admitting how she felt.
‘I just feel so different from the people around me. And it’s so unfair. They all have it so easy. They all know exactly how to behave, not because they have forced it upon themselves like me but because that’s just the way they are. I always feel like I’m trying to keep up. It was the same at St Hilda’s, and Cambridge and now it's the same again. I thought working would be different but its not. It’s all a great big club.’
‘Look Selia, I know this is how you feel, and I suppose my reminding you of how much you've achieved is probably fairly pointless, but it really is true. It's far more admirable getting to where you are through hard work than falling into it because of money and the right school and popping out at the end on the great public school conveyer belt. I also think that you'll find that you're not completely right about everyone you're working with. There are probably lots of people from very normal backgrounds working with you. Sure everyone has an educated voice, and probably says the right things but this is just part of playing the game. It's the same in my profession. People are very rarely completely honest.’
‘Maybe you're right. But I feel really terrible about treating Toby the way I have. I don’t know why I act the way I do. I just thought that people would think badly of me for doing it. I know it's wrong but sometimes when I’m in that situation I just cant think properly. I get so insecure about what I should do, who I should talk to, what I should wear. And then all this time I've been shagging my boss and people have probably been laughing behind my back.’ Selia stopped and tried her hardest to stop herself from breaking down without success. Saffron put her arm around her and said nothing just letting Selia cry for a while. This was probably the first time she had actually admitted out loud to how she felt, Saffron thought.
‘Look don't worry about that’ Saffron said cutting her off. And don't worry about Toby. He's a very relaxed, guy, I’m sure he'll understand if I explain things to him. If you don't mind me talking to him that is.’
‘No of course not.’
‘Now Seals’, saffron said handing her the box of tissues with a kind smile. What are we going to do with you?
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